Blokeology

Corpus et sanguis Christi

2007-06-06T09:25:00.000Z

Ned played Jesus in a school assembly today, with the class thinking about the Body and Blood of Christ (as above in Latin), and how it came about from the Last Supper.

Ned was great - he spoke slowly and clearly, audible even when he had turned his back to the audience while he 'distributed' bread and wine, though he did fumble the glass at one point and nearly drop it - fortunately, it was empty! He also looked radiant in his gown and tea towel, borrowed from Dylan who had played Jesus on the previous two occasions and was seriously in danger of being type cast!!

I wonder how Ned's faith journey will turn out ? I hope he is more consistent than I am.

I am so proud of him - at the weekend we were in the North East of England (Yarm) for a 40th birthday party - a 500 mile round trip just to party! J&S are great friends and I love them. Ned and a couple of similar aged pals ran the bar in the garden: arranging glasses, distributing beers, opening wine, pouring drinks, checking stock in the paddling pool, clearing up. They loved it and did a fab job - it's great when kids are involved in a family do. Ned's dad was fetching him burgers, when not DJing, and it strikes me that we shared bread and wine together on Saturday night - a different sacrament perhaps, but not without its own meaning and significance.

Face to Faith

2007-06-05T15:53:00.000Z

A coming together of YMCA people who dare to talk about God, faith, religious practice & non religious lifestyles.

A session about understanding the journey of others through faith to non-faith, belief or unbelief, & different faiths…….

It will not be about pursuing any one religious faith – but grappling with some issues which are considered to be vital for our age, our society and our community, and maybe the biggest issue facing the world at the moment is their own journey.

Outcomes:
i. Opening the minds of all individuals present.
ii. Understanding and Empathy with others in relation to their past experiences.
iii. Refreshing our understanding rather than developing opinions.

I attended this short course this afternoon. Absolutely brilliant. Moving.

Stories of growing up in the Ukraine, Nigeria, India, the UK.

Many different and similar views and experiences of faith (often referred to as religion). Lots of surprises, even shocks.

For instance - an account of a female relative sent to Siberia, for 10 years hard labour, for practicing faith in a 1930's Communist regime; or another, a man having to convert from one faith to another in order to get an education; or the teenager forced to leave home because of a choice to practice his faith; others about the hardship of growing up in working class England; of all our daily successes and struggles to find meaning in life, and to practice our faith.

Thank God for the diversity of the rainbow.

Belonging...

2007-06-05T15:50:00.000Z

"... is what it means to be a family. If parents have encouraged initiative and growth to freedom, if children have been listened to and helped to make their own decisions, to accept and respect others, and to be open to them, if they have been taught to live the to-and-fro of life with others, these children will later on be able to live other forms of belonging and grow to maturity with greater ease. They will be more open to others because they will have lived trust and communion of hearts. "

Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

Pip has (of course!) found a quote that states my post below far more simply and in a lot less words!! Check out Pip's blog at: http://www.pipwilson.com/

Attachment, loss and separation

2007-05-31T12:06:00.000Z

Sorry for the break again - have had trouble signing in to my blog dashboard for some reason? Anyway, here now. Have started my new Counselling diploma with two days of teaching.

On the first day we looked at attachment theory and the ideas put forward by John Bowlby which, in essence, state how and why we form attachments (emotional bonds) to one other throughout our lives, and what happens if those attachments are inadequate or severed. These ideas fit within the psycho dynamic approach to counselling - i.e. our past affects our present.

By looking at attachments early in our (clients) lives Bowlby suggests that we can predict the way our relationships are formed later in life, the depth of the relationship, and how we behave in it. The key is to explore the ‘inner working model’ that has developed inside of us and evaluate the likely security, or lack of, in adult relationships (attachments).

Bowlby suggest that if we have a ‘secure base’ in childhood, provided by our mother (though other family members can do this too) then the chances of successful relationships / attachments are far greater. A secure base is defined as the provision of a secure and dependable base (home) for the child to explore the world.

We discussed the key concepts of loss and separation theory and completed an Adult Attachment Interview form to help us understand our attachment style and how this might impact our work with clients.

I was reminded of my insecurity around whether a partner loves me and an assumption (at worst) or fear (at best) that they will leave me.

John Bowlby states that the capacity for attachment is innate and shaped by experiences early in our lives. For instance, where a child’s mother is absent or does not form a secure and reliable bond then the child will grow up with a lack of trust, and a general inability to form stable, close relationships.

Thus my insecurity is routed in my birth mother giving me up at 8 weeks and being placed in two foster homes before being adopted at 8 months. Attachment theory does therefore make some sense of my two failed marriages and subsequent divorces.

I also remember some of the circumstances that led to my seeking therapy whereby I was in a dating relationship where I developed the following picture of myself. I saw myself with a piece of elastic tied around my waist and the other end tied to a stake which was firmly stuck in the ground. While I was stretching towards my partner the elastic would only extend so far before it would return to the stake – my default position of insecurity. Thus I had a tendency to “blow hot and cold” as my feelings bounced around on the elastic. I knew I had to cut the elastic to move forward and succeed in intimacy, or at least move the stake!

When I began therapy, about two and a half years ago, my narrative concerning my childhood tended to be highly accepting of the circumstances. I considered it normal as I didn’t know any other way. Most of us would feel the same, however, our 'normal' doesn't mean healthy.

One worry for me is wondering what harm has been done to my son, Ned, aged nine, given he has spent most of his life in a sole parent home, though he still sees his mother. I think Bowlby provides some reassurance for me when he suggests that where other family members (this seems to pre-date single dads!) provide the child with a secure base in childhood then close relationships will be possible.

I realized in completing the questionnaire that the sadness and disappointment concerning my lack of a secure base run deep still. However, my understanding of attachment theory (and others) and how I would tend to behave or react, gives my hope for future relationships.

Man in the Mirror

2007-05-09T08:32:00.000Z

Are you aware of the child in you? I have had some feedback concerning the little boy that appears in me sometimes.

Someone recently left a group that I belong to. Someone I had grown to care for. I was upset for them, for me. I wondered whether the little boy was crying out not to be left?

On the day they left I felt like I understood that the little boy might be present and that he might be feeling upset - this was very reassuring.

I have realised that I have high expectations of other men - perhaps because of my father not meeting my needs as a child, and perhaps the disappointment that remains with our relationship, or lack of it.

As the realisation came I was aware of a mirror held up before me. I could see how my inability to step up to the mark as a man, a husband and as a father in my marriage had contributed to the failure of the relationship.

That was a long time ago now. I am learning to understand myself and others and to communicate my thoughts and feelings clearly.

Perhaps I will be able to notice and listen to the little boy next time he shows up and find out what it is he needs?

Perhaps I will be less quick to judge men and impose my expectations upon them?

Next steps

2007-05-09T08:02:00.000Z

My Certificate course in Counselling and Communication has finished and I appear to have passed with flying colours. The Counselling Centre are encouraging me to continue study immediately.

Moreover, the Director has expressed a commitment to mentoring me through the Diploma course, not only because they have a desperate need for male Christian professionals in a climate where the issues arising are becoming 'worse', but because they feel that my background, ministry experience and ethics all warrant the time and effort. They want me to succeed. The feedback has been most encouraging, but also a bit daunting!

I will have to knuckle down and get stuck into further reading and commit a lot of my time to this, which I am willing to do. The fees are high to continue study and all in all, with at least a Saturday a month in tutoring, it's a lot to juggle. It's kinda scary too because I don't take to academic study easily and will have a little catching up to do on top of other commitments.

It's the right way ahead though.

I recall the time in the autumn of 2001 when I was totally washed up - no home, temporary job, broken marriage, single dad, no ministry etc etc. God said to me "I am working in the first half of your life to prepare you for what I will do in the second". And here we are, an apparently scrap-heap-human now with a sense of purpose and of significance.

The feeling is much more than phew! It's much deeper. I really feel, as crap as it's been at times, that I would not be on any other journey. As I write I am also reflecting that the YMCA are supporting me through this with some finance and time. The Centre are also investing in me. In me. In ME!

Next steps.... gulp!

Dream on

2007-04-02T14:13:00.000Z

Had a very strange experience Saturday night. I stirred about two o'clock and remained in a semi-conscious state for well over an hour, being aware of the clock every now and then.

In that time I tossed and turned in bed as my life ran through my mind like an edited movie / documentary. I realised that I was scanning - the search criteria was to find people with whom I could recall an intimate, loving, secure relationship. The answer: none found.

I was tempted to call it a nightmare however those always have a sense of unreality about them. This seemed factual - real and disturbing.

God help me

2007-03-05T10:36:00.000Z

Heard it said today, "God helps those who help themselves".

I don't agree.

So, my prayer for today is for:

Those kidnapped into the sex traffic industry.
Every villager whose home has been destroyed by war or natural disaster.
Women raped by occupying forces.
Prisoners tortured for political aims.
The silent voice of abused children.
Parents who cannot feed their sons and daughters.
Orphans of HIV.
Mothers-to-be who had a miscarriage this week.
Workers exploited by their employers.
Those enslaved by addiction.
Me to get off my backside and make a difference…somehow.
God help me to help those who can't help themselves.
Amen.

Glass-half-full guy today

2007-02-22T15:56:00.000Z

Hi y'all

Hope you're having a good week. Pleased to be back to regular blogging, if not frequent!

Still thinking about 'peripheral' - see blog 6/2/07.

I am wondering how far being on the periphery is a personal decision for an adult? For me? Is feeling peripheral a glass-half-empty-response on my part? One that fails to be proactive, take initiative, and find a place of acceptance, even if that is only with myself?

Maybe that has come about without my realising it. Perhaps the view from the boundary is all I've known and I therefore don't step onto the pitch. But, I'm getting bored watching the game. Want to be fully involved.

Anyway, I have choice, right? Choice to change. Affect change. Set the course of direction. Determine the pace. Select my outfit for the journey even!

Talking of which, I am going to the North East this evening, (via Oxford to drop Ned at his mum's!) for a conference Friday / Saturday in a large church , related to my Psychotherapy training. Looking forward to what God is going to do for the church, for me, and the benefit to my training.
Staying with good friends in Yarm for the weekend so will have a lot of fun, bar the driving, though will have some grooves and soulful melodies to accompany me! Long run in my new car too.

So, feeling like I'm a glass-half-full guy today. This week. Taking control. Making positive choices. Taking risks. Speaking up. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Feels good...if not a tad scary!

Stories: You don't know you are born

2007-02-15T17:20:00.000Z

My colleague was telling me today about the above ITV show today shown recently. Celebrities uncover their family's heritage and reveal the social history of the time as they explore the road they might have travelled themselves if their lives hadn't taken them into the world of show business.

Ray, who is nearing retirement after years of dedicated service to the YMCA, related the episode with Ken Stott (I think?) who pushed a plough around a field as his grandfather would have done day after day to earn a crust.

We related stories of our own grandparents and how the young people we serve in hostels have such different expectations of work today. I can't help thinking of the Monty Python sketch - "I got up this morning, before I went to bed... licked road clean...etc !!!

I do feel humbled that we do not really appreciate how generations before us have had to strive and struggle to exist, probably dying younger too.

My maternal grandparents, who have been dead 11 or more years, were entrepreneurs and grew from a corner shop to become the national mail order seed merchant Marshall's, eventually sold to a much larger firm. My auntie was pictured pushing a wheel barrow on the front cover of the seed packages.

Nan was a single parent for a few years when her husband, Moat, died suddenly. Their daughter was 12 or 13, but it didn't stop her adopting a baby girl as they had planned to do together. During the war she drove trains in Norfolk, to move essential goods around. She had plenty of tales of toil to meet deadlines and all the other problems of trying to run a small business. I used to listen to her for hours. She remembered the announcement of the first world war on the radio. I recall laughing how in Bungay, Suffolk, where she grew up, she would have to run errands to take messages for her mother because there weren't telephones (let alone mobiles!). So different to today.

Ethel was a great woman. Strong in heart and mind until the end, though her body lost to cancer, and her daughter had cut herself off from her for the remaining six years of her life, together with her other grandson. During that period she also nursed her husband with Alzeihmer's. Alone.

I miss my Nan and know she would have loved to see me now and to know her great-grandson.

I was the last to see her alive in hospital and it was a privilege to talk to her in her coma, say how I felt, pray over her, read her (trashy romantic) library book to her and share a joke about why on earth she was in to that stuff?!

I look forward to an answer when we next meet....

Stories of who we are

2007-02-15T17:16:00.000Z

Have snatched this from Pip (pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com) as I love it in the light of my blog below.

"Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories in all their particularity . . . that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally.”

Frederick Buechner (Telling Secrets, 1991)

Disappointments

2007-02-13T17:03:00.000Z

Been having some deep, deep feelings lately about disappointments in my life. Some of them recent, some from years ago, some (I think) from before I can actually remember. Unlocking them is painful.

Counselling is often (for me) about taking me to where I least want to go, because it can be so painful to take the lid off the can. But... no pain, no gain - so true.

I am trying not to stay on the periphery of my feelings but stay with them and understand them. I am grateful for those who help me in the process, and on the journey, although it can feel like, at best, I am squirming on the end of a hook or, at worst, being machine gunned!

I have been introduced to the thought that we should grieve for that which has disappointed us in life. Some of this is obvious, like the hurt and unfulfilled expectations of a broken relationship / marriage. Other areas are less obvious....

I don't think this means moping around feeling sorry for ourselves, or inventing disappointments when, as we well know, shit happens, but it is, I believe, helpful to acknowledge and understand feelings rather than let them fester and become 'cancerous' and eat away at us. To coin another phrase: better out than in!

I hope you have good friends. People you can really be honest with and share your deepest stuff. Friends that will listen and not try to answer lifes riddles for you, but just be with you and love you.

I have some and I feel so blessed not to be on the journey alone x

Peripheral

2007-02-06T12:48:00.000Z

Do you ever feel, like me, peripheral?

Meaning:

[1] relating to or situated on the periphery, i.e. the edge or boundary. [2] of secondary importance; marginal, of minor relevance. Concerned with the relatively minor, irrelevant, or superficial aspects of the subject in question.

The subject in question might be family, or relationships generally? May be common to those adopted? Or perhaps you feel peripheral in other ways?

Even if I feel that.... is it true? Am I of secondary importance? Of minor relevance or even irrelevant?

No. It's a lie.

It may be the way I have grown up thinking like this, even if in tiny, subtle ways.

Do like me - make a list and note down when it sometimes feels like it's true, and the other times when clearly it is not. Does the list balance? What can you discern? I found that sometimes I may feel like that, but it doesn't mean I am.

Sounds like the bleeding obvious eh? Not for everyone!!!

I'm back ....

2007-01-29T09:55:00.000Z

Oh, it's a mad mad mad mad world. Feeling invigorated today. Happy New Year!

Had a fab weekend partying at the joint 40th birthday do of my most excellent friends Ian & Amanda out in the wilds of Wiltshire. Caught up with guys I hadn't seen for years and met some lovely people too.

Picked up a new, second hand car on Friday and enjoyed driving it. It's got all the wing mirrors, no dents, doesn't appear to leak and all the doors open (and lock!) as they should. Welcome Freddie Focus to the family. Still Ned and I did rue the demise of Larry Laguna who has served us faithfully for 10 years and 80,000 miles. Ned particularly was genuinely grieving the change, being the only car we have had in his lifetime - many happy memories, and some throwing up on long journeys!

So... where have I been for 9 weeks? Well, most of December Ned and I were in New Zealand visiting friends and exploring the North Island - what a beautiful place. Flew into Auckland on 12th then off on a whirlwind adventure: Hahei, Coromandel Peninsular, Rotorua, Taupo, Turangi, back to Auckland for Christmas, then to Russell in the Bay of Islands.

We fished on Lake Rotorua and the Pacific, quad-biked on a mountain, rafted on the Tongariro River, walked to the Huka Falls, swam in thermal pools, built huge sandcastles on white sandy beaches, snorkeled and swam in the ocean, kayaked in the Bay of Plenty, enjoyed Maori experiences, basked in glorious sunshine but also were soaked by driving rain. All good! NZ does resemble all the good of Middle Earth in LOTR and even the worst of Mordor with the volcanic impact in certain spots - beautiful. I cannot recall when we were unable to see a mountain. We met some old friends from the UK and made some new ones. Thanks to Chris & Annie, Mike & Kirsti for their hospitality.

The same applied to our stop over on the way in Singapore - thanks to Jan & Caroline - who showed us around: dragon boat racing, cable cars, beaches, foot massage, local cuisine, downhill luge at Sentosa. Marvellous. We also attended the British Cubs' Football Section Christmas Party with traditional British fare - curry! - and, while waiting to eat, felt a tap on the shoulder and was greeted by old friends - fab surprise - lovely to see Andy & Jayne.

So, life feels good today. Not without it's ups and downs however, some of which I will share in the days ahead. Hope you are surviving and thriving. Thanks for reading x

Stepping up, stepping down

2006-11-16T09:33:00.000Z

Hi Guys

Been really busy. Work and play. Scored a cracking header last Friday night to win the game. Leapt, on the turn, twisted headed down, sending the keeper the wrong way to tuck the ball into the corner. Not bad as it was a 5-a-side goal!

Was running a team of guys providing refreshments for 285 women at a conference on Saturday - lots of fun. Great team so everything ran really smoothly. Long day though, 7.30 to about 5.30.

I was DJ at my friends wedding a few weeks back and they popped in on Tuesday with a present. I thought it would be a CD or something but they bought me a dress watch! I was quite oversome with their generosity. I did however change it yesterday to something more appropriate for everyday wear. So I now have a watch I rally like but couldn't have afforded myself. Haven't worn one for 7/8 years since the last one broke. Oh, it's 9.35 !!!

Dinner with friends on Saturday evening (great curry L) and a family on Sunday at a fav restaurant in Ealing: prawns, ribs, skins, nachos, wings, Peroni, hmmmmm...

Have resigned from a Trust with which I've been involved for four years. I feel drawn in another direction and convinced that I have been doing too many things and not being fully effective in any of them.

It has been both difficult and exciting for me over the years to help get something started (in various ways with different ventures) as I still find it hard to step away, however the work has usually benefited from my absence by going on to greater things! Strange that I should find this so hard with stuff I am involved in 'privately' when this is so much a part of my professional role?

However, the Board has asked me to continue to as a mentor to one of the key staff so I am delighted about that. They met last night - it was odd not to be there - felt like I was bunking off!!

Getting on really well with Ned right now. He asked to share something with me recently and the way he sat me down on the sofa was brilliant! Level 5 ensued and he ended by thanking me for my advice. I stated (for the record) that I might not always be able to give advice, as I might not know what to do, but would always be there to listen and support him. I loved the moment. I love being a dad.

He will be at Buckingham Palace tomorrow with his mum who is receiving a medal for services to our Government and country. I hope they have a great day.

So, a bunch of random thoughts. Gonna try 5 words now to describe how I am feeling:

Weary
Eager
Light headed
Apprehensive
Hopeful

Have an afternoons training today as I continue my Certificate in Communication and Counselling skills - looking forward to it but the course is always challenging and I think we may be looking at my journal which I submitted last time. Gulp! "What's mine is yours, still want to know me?"

"Oh thou who lovest me, set love in order in my life" Augustine. TTFN xx

Oh my word!

2006-11-16T09:31:00.000Z

Another football quote: Stuart Pearce, Manager of Man City FC:

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel!"

The genius of the TV commentator

2006-11-06T09:57:00.000Z

Thanks to my good friend Mohamad Al Bazzer for sending these which are mostly concern the noble Olympian sports of Snooker & Darts:

"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."

"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."

"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed"

"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"He is as slick as minestrone soup"

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"

"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"

"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."

"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookies and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."

"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

"I've got two words for you - former world champion."

"This is his last Tango in Paris... and now it's goodnight Vienna."

The Yacoubian Building

2006-10-30T14:28:00.000Z

I went to see this on Saturday with a couple of friends who both had worked in Egypt as tour leaders. The film is based on the controversial bestselling novel by Alaa El-Aswani that features a variety of Egyptian characters who are residents of a downtown Cairo apartment block - lawyer, porter, gay journalist and poorer families who literally live on the roof, etc. The lives of these seemingly disparate group of individuals hurtle towards each other with fateful consequences. Tackling everything from Islamic fundamentalism to homosexuality and corruption, the film was a cause célèbre on its release in Egypt where it proceeded to smash box office records and spark unprecedented debate.

One critic wrote: I do not lie when I say I am still drowning in thoughts about the most beautiful movie I have to date seen. My God. I was emotionally exhausted, beyond impressed, made to laugh, cry, ponder, miss, sympathize, resent, and love.. all within minutes of each other. A slap in the face than a tickle. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic but the impact it has on me is enormous. I am overwhelmed with feelings of appreciation, joy, and respect for such a work and admire the boldness and courage it took to pull all of it together. What an eye opener. The accuracy.. The contrast.. The shocks..

This is a great movie, described very ably above, and wonderfully translated through subtitles for those of us who speak neither Arabic nor Egyptian!

The film was shown as part of the BFI's London Film Festival at the Odeon Leicester Square - this was the debut in the UK with the Director (only 27 years old) and Producer present for an audience Q&A afterwards. See the film if you can.

Doing the right thing

2006-10-25T12:43:00.000Z

Was just checking my bank account on-line and a pop up screen asked "Do you like Tony Blair: yes or no? Enter and get a Free* laptop."

Did you notice the fundamental flaw in the last line?

Yes, indeed, it is the asterisk after free - don't believe it!!

I heard Jim Wallis over the Bank Holiday weekend talking at a seminar called "you say tomata, I say tomato" about the 'special relationship'. In fact he spoke more frankly than the answer he had given to a question I raised with him at the Institute of Contemporary Christianity in March. Jim felt that Britain's role in support of the US intentions for Iraq meant that the world perception of the UK is the we are seen as a little tomata - I have to agree.

I heard a speaker recently talking about terrorism for around 45 minutes. I heard him in August as well at two seminars totalling three hours: Major General Tim Cross. Check out his CV online - he is a most distinguished and humble man. His seminars, on the same topic, were the most articulate I have heard on any subject, anytime, anywhere. He was speaking just after the media storm over comments on the Iraq situation made by General Sir Richard Dannatt, the new Chief of the General Staff. Reading reaction to his statement on the military websites, our armed forces seem delighted to be appropriately represented at last, indeed positive comments were posted from around the world to the newspaper websites.

The media is turning its attention to the election of the next US President - we know it won't be Bush. Meanwhile I have a horrible feeling that Blair is not going to do anything significant over Iraq that would undermine his initial decision to support the invasion, but will leave that to his predecessor. We will see.

Hilary Benn was incredible on Radio Four this morning as John Humphries interviewed him from Iraq about the state of that nation. He quite reasonably and frankly gave an honest, real and believable picture of the grim situation, without the glib spin.

Shortly afterwards Canon Andrew White based in Baghdad described how he had just returned from the Pentagon where he was discussing how the key religious / sectarian leaders might be engaged in dialogue - he rightly and bluntly stated that it was years too late for the US to have woken up to that, despite his best efforts at the time.

I spotted this quote today - rings true I think:

Politics is a jungle: torn between doing the right thing and staying in office. John F. Kennedy

We should never have gone in to Iraq in my view. Tim Cross's analogy, incidentally quoted by Max Hastings in the Daily Mail, compares President Bush's recent demand for $50billion of new money for Iraq with 'the addicted Irish gambler who wrote home at the end of another long day at the race course, "Everything going well; send more money".'

How we get out and when, I don't know. With guys like Dannatt, Cross, White and Benn around I have hope that the future may be a bit brighter for all concerned, especially the people of Iraq.

We can only pray.

Freedom...

2006-10-25T12:37:00.000Z

Saw this quote from a movie (Ali*brandi) - don't know the context but liked it:

If I could be anything but what I am, I would be tomorrow.
If I could be what my father wants me to be, then maybe I could stay for that, too. If I could be what you want me to be, I'd want to stay. But I am what I am, and all I want is freedom.

Offensive prayer

2006-10-24T15:41:00.000Z

Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people.

When Rev Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.

We have abused power and called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbour's possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.

No pain, no gain?

2006-10-12T10:20:00.000Z

It's two years on (4/10/04) since I wrote this poem to myself:

"You don't know me
And I don't expect you to.
I hardly know myself
And what I see is little understood.

I realise the Mountain I have to climb
To lose my shackles,
And I'm scared.
Beating the retreat.

Wanting out of this trench,
A lift again out of the pit,
The mire,
Because I'm sinking.

I feel isolated and exposed.
Willing, yet unable to be vulnerable.
Lost in a fog of truth, truly,
As I perceive and deceive in turn.

To my shame
Pretense consoles only momentarily,
Before loathing ushers in.
Who am I kidding? Yeah, me.

Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?
Desperate and afraid,
I grope for freedom,
And the whole of the Moon.

Dare I unfold and to whom,
When I can barely cope as it is?
And who will journey with me?
No one, of course.

Mine is the distinction.
Mine is the depths from which to rise.
Mine is the seam of gold.
What’s mine is yours – still want to know me?"

It's good to look back - I did the same in September when I first began to blog - you can check that out in the archives - and know how far I have travelled :o)

The line about pain has come up in conversation often - "Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?"

Sometimes we feel pain acutely (whether it be physical, emotional or psychological) and other times we are anaesthetised to our own pain - we erect barriers or develop techniques to ignore it.

For instance, once in a while I feel terribly ill with headache /stomach ache and realise that I have been working and playing too hard without sufficient rest. I am forced to bed because I feel so awful.

But in recent times, as I travel back and forth through my history, I realise that issues have lain dormant within the foundations of my soul. Mining those brings new experiences of pain, but also of release and healing. No pain, no gain - you bet!

I believe that times of evaluation and questioning (such as mid-life crisis, significant birthdays / events etc) are when we consider our lives to date and know we want the next half, or 5 / 10 / 20 years to be different... better? I hope to encourage you and others to seize moments of revelation, when they trot by, to look at your 'stuff'.

The choice comes when we (you!) have to work out what to do next to effect change?

"And who will journey with me? No one, of course."

That's not to say that others won't be supportive, but there isn't another person that can travel my road (like we could hire someone to do it for us!) only I can. That journey is distinctly and uniquely mine. Only I can refine gold from the rockiness of my past and discover the 'me' that was meant to be.

Taboo Rage

2006-10-11T08:20:00.000Z

Been pondering this post for a couple of weeks. Haven't really got my thinking clear on it, but I figured I should type away and see what flows, so please forgive me for being hazy or inarticulate....

Anger. Rage. Spot the difference:

Rage (emotion), an extreme, energized usually explosive state of anger;

You won't know that there are times when I go from 0-60 on the rage scale for no apparent reason ... yet there must be a reason?

I have come to think of my mum's temper as volcanic - it wasn't if she would explode, but when. I realised recently that there are times when my outbursts are mirror images of her - how does that work?

I tried to check that out... it seems that maybe it is not that I replicate my mother, or have learnt that is the way to do anger (though there is something in that), but that the balance of parenting and interaction between them has influenced me. What does that mean?

Well, I think that a dominant maternal figure (wearing the trousers!) left me, the boy-child, confused about roles. I certainly felt without protection when I needed it - injustices with minor pecadillos causing a massive response from my mum, with inevitable punishment disproportionate to the apparent offence - this would include verbal and physical abuse, but also psychological torment too. The "wait 'til your father gets home" scenario hung over us, though actually offered hope because I think my sister and I both saw dad as the more reasonable and objective, however he tended to side with mum, probably to avoid bearing the brunt himself, though I guess (as I write) he may have felt that he was being a supportive husband? Nonetheless I wonder what I harbour towards my parents for being so overbearing, to put it mildly.

So, it occurred to me how much anger / rage around our children is such a taboo subject. They often tend to be around when we blow.

The problem is with us, the adult, and the unmet need that vents at times of stress, tiredness, loneliness. I have been in conversations about this lately. It has felt hugely risky to raise it, but it is reassuring that others have, or have had, similar struggles. My observation is the extent to which these issues literally remain behind closed doors.

The scary thing for me is that Ned is usually the one around when I blow. I have been working on some 'tools' that will help me to recognise the feelings as they rise and then to find an appropriate and healthy way to soothe them. And it is helpful for me to share this stuff - it helps me to acknowledge it and own the fact, and to determine to continue to work it out.

I asked him a week ago on Sunday night (when we were having one of our late night chats - we often do level 5 when one or both of us can't sleep): "Is there anything I do that upsets you, Ned?"

He thought for a few seconds and mentioned an evening a fortnight before that when we had a choice of things we could do and, in this particular moment, I hadn't appreciated his preference and been grumpy about it!!

I realised that 'grumpy' was rage on my inside, but I had at least kept a lid on it at the time, but he still noticed and remembered.

It was a cool moment as we talked and resolved that flashpoint and how we might do stuff together differently - we have had some fun times since deciding together what we do and when, which mostly means I play what he wants to, but the process of compromise is good for both of us I think! :o)

Do you experience rage?
Do you have a friend/someone you could share with?
Where can you find support to explore the underlying feelings?
Would it help to leave an anonymous post?
Can you give me any advice?!!

Thanks for listening xx

Nothing but ...

2006-09-22T08:29:00.000Z

I love a lot of Woody Allen's movies. Annie Hall is one of my favs and it was making me laugh at the weekend. One bit made me roar anew: he is dating a 17 year old (interesting as it later turned out in reality).

She says to him: Dont you have feelings for me?

Reply: I have nothing but feelings for you.

Grasping the nettle

2006-09-21T16:29:00.000Z

Was chatting to a mate on Sunday who chose to report a colleague for alcohol abuse.

The colleague had been part of the relief effort following the Tsunami. On his return he requested counselling from his employer who refused. He was increasingly struggling to come to terms with what he saw in Asia and turned to alcohol as an escape.

This went unnoticed for months as the man was drinking aftershave to cover the smell on his breath (Ed - I had never heard that before and am still slightly stunned)

My mate noticed and chose to jeopordise their relationship by informing a senior who took the matter on. He is now receiving the help he wanted, and is truly grateful that someone stuck their neck out for him to. A member of HR is being disciplined.

Grasping the nettle. Not easy. Risky. But worth it. Well done big man

To an adopted child

2006-09-21T16:10:00.000Z

RECEIVED THIS ON EMAIL THIS WEEK - love that someone took the time to write:

When I listened to your testimony on Father's Day, I was really sad that you felt the way you did because you were adopted. Being adopted myself, I had years of mixed emotions, ranging from absolute bitterness and rage, to the deepest love for my adopted mother and father. It probably helped that I met my birth mother, who turned out to be very shallow and only interested in herself. However, by meeting my birth mother, I realised that my adopted mother was my true mother as she loved me from the moment she set eyes on me.

This poem also helped me in my deepest times of despair, because it is about the deep love that an adopted mother feels for her baby. I hope it brings you the same comfort. Depending on how I am feeling when I read it, it still normally reduces me to tears.

'To an adopted child'

Dear, do not weep. By every act of mine
I am your mother...by my sleeples nights,
By every step in the long days's design
That I have taken, by the sweet delights
Of your blessed companionship, by the clear gaze,
By all my care in your begining days,
Your warm, soft body held against my breast
Warmed me and dried my disappointed tears,
You made a real home of our lonely nest.
Now we look forward to the fruitful years
With you beside us bearing in your hands
The love that every mother heart demands.
I am your mother, though you may not be
Flesh of my flesh. Our love goes deeper still.
You are my heart's adopted part of me.
I am your mother by the power of will.
Because I did not want to walk alone......
From the whole world, I chose you for my own.

Anne Campbell - author

My favourite line is 'you are my heart's adopted part of me'.

To me, that line is so powerful of the love the mother feels towards her baby. That strength of love, is the same love that I felt for my 2 girls when they were born. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Never gonna change

2006-09-21T15:46:00.000Z

I kinda like the fact that I get told off for not blogging!

I was informed yesterday that someone 'wastes' two seconds of every day clicking my way to see if I've blogged. And that someone they know, but I don't, checks things out and was wondering what I was up to! Phew - no pressure!!

As you can see from the blog beneath I've been non-stop. Sorry. Please don't give up on me.

Saw a good mate last night and we do level 5 together. He hasn't given up on someone who had said to him "we're never gonna change". My take on the context being - this is how it is - take it or leave it - don't expect anything different than how its been for years - you're not going to influence anything in our lives.

This struck me as incredibly hard. Hard to hear, but also hard to say.

I may disappear up my own arse on occasions (as mentioned by a mate some months back!) but its the journey I'm on. Moving. Forward. Learning. Stumbling. Backwards. Falling. Getting back up. Challenge. Change. Revision. Pain. Achievement. Satisfaction. Growth... I hope. I think. I believe.

What is there in my life that is never gonna change. I wonder?

I am experiencing new things right now. Some of that is about "grasping the risk" I think? I am learning about care and being cared about. Told I am loveable. Hearing I am love-able. Feels great. Hopeful. :o)

What is there in your life that is never gonna change. Do you wonder?

I love my job! :o)

2006-09-21T15:25:00.000Z

I have spent over a year working on a housing scheme for homeless people in West London. Not that I undertake any of the construction work myself, but I project manage the thing from concept to opening.

The scheme provides 10 additional self-contained studio flats in an annexe / extension to the existing building, and these are intended for young homeless people who are more independent than those living in the Phase I bedsits. The new wing gives the guys potential to move from Phase I into Phase II.

Additionally there is a residents lounge, IT suite, laundry, interview room, with the relocation of the office (with a small kitchen area) and staff to a new secure reception. Two flats and the communal areas will be designed to support clients with sensory impairment.

Last Monday we should have received the keys from the Building Contractor (following delays in June and August) and I had a timetable to prepare the flats and common areas for residence. This would include placing in the rooms: beds and bedding, all the furniture, curtains / blinds, office equipment, kitting out the kitchens with everything normally found in a kitchen, and so on. It's like moving flat 10 times in 6 days!

However, my week has 'gone pear-shaped' for a variety of reasons, but overall because not a single contractor has meet the agreed deadlines so far. Grrrrrrrr....

I have tried to manage my frustration, irritation and incredulity at the incompetence of some organisations to deliver on their commitments. I have had extremes of peace and calm, when I managed very well I think, and private despair!

Now looking at a final date of Friday next week.... maybe... if everyone does what they should. I love my job! :o)

Grasping the risk

2006-09-15T12:33:00.000Z

Today is 21/9 - I read the above recently and posted it as a draft ready to blog as I didn't have time to comment on 15th - can barely remember where I picked it up (probably Pip's blog... http://pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com/...) nor even what I was gonna say!!!

Maybe it's just for you...unadulterated by comment from me?

So often we build prisons for ourselves. We blame others for our confines, but it us who constrict ourselves all along. Most of the walls in our lives we build ourselves.

But sometimes, just once in a while, we get a glimpse of the infinity of the universe and know that God is at work. That's when we must choose to stay in the prison or grasp the risk

John Donaghue (from 'Anam Cara').

9/11 - Five years on

2006-09-04T14:01:00.000Z

I watched an amazing film documentary on Saturday night about a 3-man camera crew following a rookie fire-fighter as he graduated from the Training Academy to being posted to a Fire Station. The footage began in June 2001 and showed life behind the scenes and how he (Tony) fared in the early days. What was striking, as we saw footage from the summer months, was the camaraderie between the guys in the battalion, their commitment to training and professionalism, and how they felt they were contributing to society.

In the early morning of Tuesday 11th September a unit was called out to attend a gas leak. One of the film crew (one of two brothers [who were French]) was, as usual, present. The job was just about resolved when they heard an airplane, flying low, pass over them. The camera man panned left and upwards to focus on the jet, just before it hit the World Trade Centre.

The programme from there on was incredible, as the events unfolded, and very moving.

That anyone should have been filming as the first plan hit the WTC was unbelievable, but the camera man followed the crew into the lobby and continued to shoot as the attempted 'rescue' mission unfolded. We witnessed the fire-fighters at the command post try to grapple with the situation and respond appropriately. We met briefly the first recorded casualty - the Chaplain, pacing the lobby, praying.

We heard crashes from outside, loud enough to be picked up by the camera mic inside the building, that were, it transpired, people jumping from the upper floors as the fire raged where the airplanes fuel had ignited - you will remember the terrible smoke pouring from the tower.

The action switched between the lobby (of tower 1) and the other brother who was trying to get to the scene and was, also, still filming. So we had two views of the second plan hitting the other tower.

Later, as the second tower collapsed into a mound of rubble we, as all in the lobby did, heard and 'felt' the rumble as the foundations shattered and concrete descended. Everyone ran.

In the street they ran too. The camera continued to record even as the cameraman was tackled by a fireman from behind to save him from the tidal wave of debris - we saw clouds of dust and grime breaking across the pavement, papers from the former offices sticking and blowing away from the lens... It must have lasted a couple of minutes.

It is miraculous that such a record exists. Perhaps more so that none of the Battalion from that Station lost a life. Though the Chief's brother lost his.

Often the horror and the drama of an event is portrayed in theatrical mode - not so here. This was live footage, later mixed with interviews. Stunning. One officer, who retired six months later, shared that he thinks about 9/11 everyday.

I wrote a poem on 17/09/01 with the comment: Moved by, and a reflection on, recent global events. I haven't thought about this poem for years - I print it here for you now, though I am pondering whether it was a valid comment for then, or for now? What do you think?

-------------------------------------
Tears weigh heavy on my heart
-------------------------------------

When I think of all the life wasted,
Not here by famine or flood.
By some who took it so easy jet.
And look at your hands - is that blood?

Why do we cry now so freely?
With tears, for injustice; in pain.
I sense the moment surreally,
My senses doused andinflamedd just the same.

I wonder quite how we arrived here?
For we the High way was long.
Our carriage decidedly comfy?
We were much too alright to see wrong.

Afar the thousands pass through,
This world, in a moment alone.
Not wished for by us, that's true.
But if we could change it - wouldn't you?

So where do we queue and whom do we call?
To amend the worldly constitution.
There is nowhere perhaps, except the "I will",
To pass a new resolution.

Come the next chance to alter the course,
Of the path that we walk everyday.
Don't add or subtract, duck or detour,
When the traffic is coming your way.

For we had no idea,
Of suffering that's clear.
When ours is minutely...theirs secondly.
The multiple for many more dear.

Shall we still, wash our hands,
Or our neighbours feet,
Consider each soul as a grain of sand?
Thus, in time, who knows where next we'll meet?

Wait! "Someone must pay!"
What again; not again. Evermore?
Why can't we dismount this cycle?
Forgiveness would even the score.

History notes: one man resolved with His breath.
Settled the wages of war, and of death.
Be not liable for investment in stealth. Instead,
Share the dividend. Lives saved. Oh wealth!

So today may our voices be yelled,
Against global revenge and spillage.
Or the hope that tomorrow held,
May never shake, as yesterdays city nee Village.

Am I....

2006-08-31T12:07:00.000Z

... loveable?

It seems to me that this is one of the defining questions of our lives.
How we answer will shape much of our behaviour, whether we perceive it or not. The answer will shape what we do and how we act, intentionally or subconsciously. Moreover, that will determine the answer to this question: "Am I love-able?"

Ask yourself (you may want to reflect on your initial response):

Am I loveable?

Am I love-able?

Redemption Songs - Greenbelt 06

2006-08-30T15:59:00.000Z

This Poem/Prayer was written by Martin Wroe for the moment Greenbelt opened on Friday. I only got to read it later when Pip showed it to me as he was blogging (see http://pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com/) and think it's amazing - love the way Marley and Micah are woven together. Met Martin briefly on Monday but it was just before Pete Rollins so no time to say thanks.

Redemption Song for Greenbelt 06

We are not on our own this weekend
We are together
We are not singing solo
We are a massed choir
We are not singing songs for ourselves
We are singing songs for each other
Songs of freedom
Because none of us is free
Until all of us are free
Songs of hope
About a movement of Jah people
Away from a land of war and greed
Away from a world policed by soldiers
From the heart of America
We are going to Exodus land
Where the song of redemption
Is not just for ourselves
But for our sisters and brothers in every country

Redemption songs
From South Africa to the Lebanon
From the Middle East to middle England
From the West Wing to the West Bank
From the House of Commons to the House of Big Brother
Songs of freedom, anthems of liberation
At Greenbelt 06
The sweet melody of emancipation
To hear how the hand of the Almighty
Can free this world from mental slavery
From physical slavery,
From emotional, political and economic slavery
From the slavery of the self
Into the freedom of Love
The freedom of Truth
Who will set us free
Give us your help good Lord
To sing these songs of freedom
We want to be
One Love, One Heart
We want to
Get together and feel alright
Cus way down inside us
And way out beyond us
All we ever knew was redemption songs
Songs of freedom Redemption songs
Redemption to what we were made for
Dreamed for
Loved into being for
Redemption from slavery and drudgery
From envy and vanity
Redemption from materialism and consumerism
From sectarianism, pessimism and
Loony fundamentalism

Redemption Songs
Where all of us are free
Where we can
Get up, Stand up,
Stand up for the rights
Of the people that Jesus Christ remembers
Even if everyone else forgets them
A song of Redemption in the poor world
From slavery to the rich world
A song of redemption in the rich world
From slavery to false dreams
We want to hear how the hand of the Almighty
Can free this world from mental slavery
We want to
Get up, Stand up
And not give up the fight
A song about a world where
No woman, no man, no child
Does no crying no more
A song of redemption where all people choose to
Do justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly and
Live generously
On the good earth
You have
Loaned us
A song of freedom from addiction
To substances which are choking our planet to death
A song of redemption where
Every little thing’s gonna be alright
A song saying thanks and praise to the Lord
And we will feel alright
Saying let’s get together and feel alright
Cus our hands will be made strong
by the hand of the Almighty
All we ever had

Redemption Songs
Won’t you help to sing these songs of freedom
All we ever had
Redemption songs
One love, one heart
Let’s get together and feel alright
Give thanks and praise to the lord
And it will be alright
Give thanks and praise to the lord
Cus all we ever had was songs of freedoms
Redemption songs

5 more words, 2 more songs, and a hymn of thanks

2006-08-29T18:02:00.000Z

Let's do this....

1. tired
2. unsettled
3. restless
4. thoughtful (but process murky!)
5. lonely

Two more slow grooves to curdle your soul and your tonsils:

The Thrill is Gone - B.B. King
Ball and Chain - Big Mama Thornton

Popped into see Ned on the way home from Greenbelt, Cheltenham, last night. Hadn't seen him for 10 days. His mom called him from the 3rd floor bedroom. He came pounding down the stairs, ran down the hall and threw himself at me.

Reminds me of a question Claudia asked me Saturday night - what was the most important lesson I had learnt as a dad the last five years. I admit it took me a few minutes to answer and rather tentatively I offerred the power of love - particularly that I find in, and for, and from my son.

And,
as I dwell on that now,
unconditional love.
Charges at you after a time of separation.
Kisses your forehead as you awake to a new day.
Buys you a present on holiday.
Insists on spending entire pocket money, on Father's Day,
to buy England memorabilia for the World Cup.
That wants to just sit,
play a game,
or read a book,
simply to be together.

6. Dan - you lucky, lucky bastard

"Frankie says, no more"

2006-08-29T17:30:00.000Z

Finally I have got around to blogging again. Probably to an audience of one now (me!) as you've given up checking.

Funny how things ground to a halt over the World Cup! Have been mega busy since - will try to fill in the gaps later - was at the Greenbelt Arts Festival over the weekend so gonna start there.

Was managing a seminar and talk venue (Sovereign). I really enjoy doing this venue - the programme changed from last year so I got to stay put, but see some different stuff:

FRIDAY
Bill Drummond (ex KLF art-ironist) - session ran 2.5 hours until midnight [called "The 17"] open to only the first 34 people! Closed, no spectators. Bill explained his thought processes and why he thinks music needs to start again. Fascinating concept - what if there were no music? We could recall that there used to be, and that it was important to us, but that was all. What would we do? Bill had an option....

SATURDAY
Claudia May - What Christians can learn from the blues. A really interesting woman who delivered a thought-provoking talk with some fab CD clips from Big Mama Thornton. Caught up with Claudia in the Contributors lounge late in the evening and we slipped into level 4.5 real quick. Loved chatting over a mug of tea and noodles!

Harold Hoyle
Religious education painful? Not anymore. Was busy / distracted for much of the session, but liked this guy who works with kids or on the edges of society, excluded, or in prison.

Born Again - with Glen Patterson, the author/reason behind the film/documentary, introduced by Gareth Higgins. Most of the session was a Q&A between Gareth and Glen as the latter forgot to bring the film on DVD! Nonetheless it was an absorbing discussion about the term "Born Again" and what it means to different people. Glen professes no Christian faith now - would have liked to see the DVD as the anecdotes ranged from hilarious to big-time cringe. Glen had some disturbing insights about religion / faith / sectarianism and people who confess conversion experiences.

Life Art - featuring a naked man and 27 artists keen to sketch him! Saw lots of the drawings afterwards and they were very good. Wish I had that gift.

[Glad to have been introduced to Ian Long (artist behind the 'Blobs') by Pip Wilson earlier in the day and strike a conversation as squeezing this session into the schedule was problematic. I don't think any of the punters were any the wiser and I was able to thank Ian for the Dads + Lads blob drawing so that's cool !!]

SUNDAY
Michael Symmons Roberts - Bodies, loved and wounded, dead and risen. Michael is a poet and he read his work for about 45 minutes - it was excellent and I thoroughly enjoyed hearing it. Meant to get to the bookshop to buy his book but bumped into an old friend and settled for a brew instead.

Ibrahim Hewitt - From mission hall to mosque: a journey of faith. A Geordie, this man converted to Islam and told his story to a packed, respectful audience. I was impressed with his narrative and reflections on being a British Muslim. May God / Allah bless him (may His name be praised).

Jean-Claude Bragard and Anna Cox - these guys are the producers of the series shown on BBC1 in July "Miracles of Jesus". I saw some on TV, but not much, so was glad to see 4 clips from it which brought informed debate and feedback. This session was typical of one that I would not chose to go to but was glad I was there to hear the issues around broadcasting religious programmes. This department is responsible for Songs of Praise, the Heaven and Earth show, Son of God on BBC1 and Noah's Ark on BBC2 and more. Similarly on:

MONDAY
Christina Morgan and Trevor Barnes - Religion on radio. These guys have been involved with BBC Radio for decades between them, and involved with (as I recall) Thought for the Day and Beyond Belief on Radio 4 amongst many other programmes etc. The delicacies of trying to position debate and draw articulate contributions from all faith communitiess was well conveyed when the 'facts' (truth?) are so highly emotive and open to broad interpretation and application.

I just looked at the BBC's website on religion where they have a comments section for different faiths. Gob smacked how often listeners are posting on this site, but then at some point Trevor quoted someone as saying "religion is the new history". http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbreligion/

Pete Rollins - The fidelity of betrayal: what would Judas do? Another session with people turned away. A few shenanigans (!!!) as we tried to switch venue at the last moment to try to accommodate everyone, however a downpour put paid to that. Pete was quite a guy - about 30 (?), from Northern Ireland, involved with Icon (sounded like an alternative worship thing [won't say emerging though, Pete, in case you ever read this!!!] exploring faith and worship through questions rather than providing answers - my interpretation of what I heard!).

Pete talked at a million miles an hour (much to the chagrin of the deaf signers!) and had an impressive grasp of theology and philosophy that he conveyed thoughtfully and provocatively in relation to his subject, which I just about kept up with, maybe, I couldn't tell you much more of what he said! He drew the youngest, coolest support of the weekend and told a couple of the best jokes I've heard in ages!

Vic Thiessen - I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Taking his title from Apocalypse Now, Vic spoke on Redemptive Violence in Cinema - good stuff, good DVD clips. He did well juggling the technology!

So there, that was my 'day job' at the weekend. Loved it :o)

Football quotes

2006-06-22T13:19:00.000Z

Have seen or received these via a couple or sources today. Enjoy:

''My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry

5 more words + 2 more songs

2006-06-22T10:51:00.000Z

Realised that I am having some backlash from speaking Sunday (and perhaps my blog here on Friday?) - have spent lots of time on the PS2 over last two nights - last being 3am

Escaping
Weary (there's a surprise!)
Numb
Unfocussed
Uneasy

Don't feel entirely downcast as I think about this. Guess it's a short term coping mechanism which has slightly crept up on me, but feels ok to have spotted it. What else might I have done? PS2 is a filthy habit, but there are worse!! It is, or can be, addictive however.

Ned left his current game at his mum's place at the weekend and has decided not to play this week - so far so good - and it's great to see him tuning out of it - he's a better man than me at times!!!

Helpful to blog as the feelings were felt. TTFN x

Oh, and two more beautiful songs:

Mabe tomorrow - Stereophonics
I want you back for good - Take That

Belly up

2006-06-22T10:20:00.000Z

Saw this today on http://www.youthblog.org/ which I read occasionally - this first one made me belly laugh!

DAV1NC1 C0DE
A Theologian was asked by Radio 4 to comment on the book and his reply was rather dismissive, consisting merely of, "Did you ask a marine Biologist to comment on Finding Nemo?"

Second, Tom Hanks when asked if he and his wife had any qualms about the story. His reply, "No, absolutely not. My heritage, and that of my wife, suggests that our sins have been taken away, not our brains."

High Hopes

2006-06-21T16:46:00.000Z

Indeed it was a cracking weekend - work, rest and play!

Enjoying the World Cup - job done by England last night to win the group undefeated. Plenty of folks bemoaning that, which I don't understand. I think we have played ok - the standard of the lesser teams is certainly improving, and they seem to have less fear than in past tournaments. The aim of many teams, ours too, used to be secure a draw, then another, and hope to snatch a victory to qualify. Therefore the football in Germany has been much more open I think.

Pleased to share some of my story twice in church on Sunday - haven't had a backlash personally or felt insecure about doing it. People seemed receptive to the service with a couple in tears over my bit - seemed to touch a nerve and I will try to follow up with them. I did get a few hugs too, one from a bear of a man who is 6' 6" - felt in danger for my life! Nonetheless a touching and surprising moment in public.

I do feel called to use my past experiences to be real like that and hopefully to open a window for others to receive God's love and healing - goodness knows I need it!

P.S. wanna check out the England v Paraguay event we ran @ St Paul's? See http://www.christiansinsport.org.uk/

Zippin' up my boots...

2006-06-16T16:28:00.000Z

... going back to my roots (Odyssey - circa 1979?) in case you wondered why I am quoting a pyschologist below and talking about discovering who I am! See my last two posts.

My first year was thus: given up for adoption at 8 weeks. In a foster home. In another foster home. Adopted at 8 months.

My son said to me at the weekend "so Dad, you were an orphan." I never called myself that before. We talked and I was able to tell him that I now know who my birth mum is and that he has met her.

"Oh" he said!

Thanks J for bringing me into the world - I am truly thankful :o)

My life isn't big news in the global village in which we live, but it's important to me! And to my God. I will saying a little about my story this Sunday in church for Father's Day. Putting together some car chase DVD action for the big screens and base-busting tunes to back that up. There'll be a couple of motorbikes on stage too! No stereotyping here!!!!!!

So, bring on the weekend... football, breakfast with a friend, beers with a mate, landscape gardening, Hanwell carnival and some sun-baked chillin' too I hope. Love ya.

Stage 1

2006-06-16T16:07:00.000Z

ER1KS0N'S 8 stages of life - his theory states that the needs of the psyche (mind) must be met or imbalance will occur. The basic pycychological needs during the 8 stages are:

Acceptance and Accomplishment

The first stage is the first year of life and the need is for acceptance.

In early infancy we learn trust or mistrust. We either gain a balance between trust and the risk of being let down, or are suspicious, mustrustful and unable to relate fully to others.

Babies have one way of communicating - they cry - for food (hunger), attention (love / security / bonding) or in pain (relief / comfort).

The important event in the birth to one year old stage is feeding.
According to Erikson, an infant will develop a sense of trust only if the parent or care-giver is responsive and consistent with the basic needs being met. The need for care and food must be met with comforting regularity. The infant must first form a trusting relationship with the parent or caregiver, otherwise a sense of mistrust will develop.
Elements for a positive outcome:
The infant's need for care, familiarity, comfort and nourishment are met.
Parental consistency and responsiveness is essential for trust to develop.
Elements for a negative outcome:
Babies who are not securely attached to their mothers are less cooperative and more aggressive in their interactions with their mothers.
As they grow older, they become less competent and sympathetic with peers. They also explore their environment with less enthusiasm and persistence.
Examples: Babies will begin to understand that objects and people exist even when they cannot see them. This is where trust becomes important.

Up, up and away

2006-06-15T15:27:00.000Z

Well, I am pleased to say that the depression experienced last week was temporary and lifted over the weekend. I feel fine again now. Strange that an anniversary that has barely registered with me over so many years affected me so?

I guess it is related to the counselling work I am undertaking and not only thinking but feeling much more about how I am with 'stuff' and how it affects me.

I am developing a greated perception not only of who I was (how my behaviour was defined by mistrust, suspicion, an inability to receive love and an uncanny knack of rejecting love), but also who I AM.

Some don't understand at all that I was ignorant of my emotions. It has left me open to accusations which haven't been pleasant.

Not out of the woods yet - still a long way to travel on this journey - but I'm sure that I would rather be on this path than any other. Complete healing may be far away, but that's where I'm headed :o)

Heart of kindness

2006-06-14T08:38:00.000Z

Was out of the office yesterday at a Dads + Lads conference. In the afternoon I had been asked to present two workshops highlighting my program and how it runs.

I introduced myself, part of which was to state my aim as a parent - to reach my sons heart.

Can you imagine my pride and pleasure when last week Ned came home with a school certificate for outstanding achievement, awarded for "the kindness he always shows to others" :o)

Closing remarks...

2006-06-09T15:23:00.000Z

... as the week ends... Been a difficult one emotionally - been in a pit for reasons explored beneath, (Out of sorts? + Jury still out), but still not fully discerned.

Feeling on the up now, especially going into the weekend: football and 3 Peaks reunion tonight (see below).

England's World Cup starts tomorrow. Come on England!

Sunday - receiving my graduation certificate and then to the pub for lunch with my course mates and their families.

Ned home too and looking forward to referee-ing his friends 8th birthday football party. Hopefully with now sending offs this time!!

Moreover, I have had many encouraging comments this week from you guys.

For you, and others, those who prayed for me - thanks. I really appreciate it.

Hope it wasn't too excruciating to read of my struggles. If you don't experience that yourself - thank God! If you do, and could relate, hope you were reminded you're not alone. Love ya. xox

3 Peaks - first anniversary

2006-06-09T14:40:00.000Z

A year ago this weekend a group of 9 mates and I undertook the Three Peaks Challenge - to climb Ben Nevis, Scarfell Pike & Snowdon in 24 hours or under - supported by 2 guys who drove / cooked for us.

The reason? In 2004 we shared a journey through cancer with a very special lad. Ed, aged 19, died on 22nd January 2005.

We wanted to do something for teenagers who suffer in this way. We aimed to raise £10,000 for the Teenage Cancer Trust - we raised £15,000 - completing the task on 23 hours, 17 minutes.

Tonight we will be celebrating the pleasure, the pain and the comraderie of the Challenge with a curry, and raising a glass of beer in fond memory of our friend, Ed - missed but not forgotten.

You can check out the highs and lows of our 3 peaks by clicking here:

Video: http://s117403556.websitehome.co.uk/Lists/Announcements/DispForm.aspx?ID=12

Photos: http://s117403556.websitehome.co.uk/3%20Peaks%20Challenge/Forms/AllItems.aspx

You can spot me sporting shades, a fetching stubble, and (usually) a wide-brimmed hat, or a woolly one with my IQ on it !! :o)

England v Brasil :o)

2006-06-09T14:31:00.000Z

It is just before the England v Brasil match.

Ronaldinho goes into the Brasilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be bothered.

"Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down the bierkeller."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself, and the rest of the Brasilian team go off for a few steins.

After a couple they wonder how the game is going, so they ask mine host to check teletext. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brasil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few lagers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put teletext back on."Result from the Stadium 'Brasil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 mins) - England 1 (Lampard 89 mins)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands weeping inconsolably. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be loco, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 72 minutes."

Jury still out

2006-06-06T16:22:00.000Z

Feeling crap again today and still haven't put a finger on why. My 10 year anniversary would have been on Thursday and, while I don't think that's the main thing, it may be contributing?

Have been apart (and now divorced) longer than we were together, but who knows how these things work? I know I don't have any yearning at all to go back into that relationship, which didn't benefit me a great deal (!!!) but, having mentioned loneliness yesterday, guess that I am feeling bereft of a soul mate - on my own now 5 years. :o(

However, having a confusing time thinking about a lady with whom I was friends a couple of years ago - a truly wonderful woman. She was really keen on me but I couldn't reciprocate, for all sorts of simple and complicated reasons. She is now in another relationship and likely to move country to be with and marry her beloved. Genuinely delighted for her, but can't help feeling regret that a cracking gal may have passed me over because I was too emotionally f*#ked up to recognise her worth and pursue her.

Have told people today that have asked how I am that "I am out of sorts" which, bless them, is followed up by a question concerning my health and, when I say that isn't it that, the conversation flounders somewhat! Interesting.

Honesty? Trying to be honest but wonder if I have now said more here than I should? Other days I don't care so much, but vulnerable today. Bugger.

Out of sorts?

2006-06-05T16:35:00.000Z

The weekend lived up to its billing and I had a good time with Ned. Did everything except cycle, though we did walk to the canal to feed the ducks instead, and got caught in a shower!

However, I find myself today quite out of sorts, and I'm not sure why?

Saw various friends yesterday - one struggling with acute loneliness which, apart from the pain of empathy, reminded me of my own situation somewhat. Two other wonderful friends who have had 20 years of struggle - can't say more here - but lovely to have lunch with them and hang out for the afternoon. If I had 3 'wishes' I think they would get one of them.

Church was a struggle - felt hard-hearted, unreceptive, remote from God.

Wondering whether I am still recovering from Thursdays session and the dip into my childhood? I don't know....

If you are inclined to pray please say one for me. Thanks.

Coming up this weekend...

2006-06-02T15:37:00.000Z

... is very little, except free time PLANNED, to be with my son.

Chilled time in the mornings. Getting up s l o w l y !!

To the park: to kick a ball, to cycle, run, laugh, celebrate goals scored and saves made. New distances travelled in the bike. Seeing friends. Reading. Homework. Birthdays. Church.

I love being a dad. Trying to let Ned make more decisions for himself. Learning ... gradually... both of us. Sometimes he doesn't want to think, just let me choose... what to wear... to eat... etc.

If Ned can get used to making choices now in the little things, making mistakes and working through them, then he should be better equipped for the bigger stuff that comes with adolescence.

Praying for him cos I find it scary. Ned, I think, is cool !!

Have a great weekend, whatever you do.

Love is a drug - be a dealer then an addict :o)

"Underneath the arches...

2006-06-01T15:24:00.000Z

...I dream my dreams away"

Summons up memories for me - particularly of John Le Carre's "A Perfect Spy". Bud Flanagan tugging at the heart strings, leading us to remember days gone by?

Pip took us on an amazing journey this morning. We heard and told each others stories from around the time we were 7 years old.

Such a privilege to hear tales from Chile to Nigeria, Southall to Harrow. All so different. All so unique and special. Many memories shared. It was an emotional time.

I realise now that I have, in a way, read a chapter of autobiographies that will never be written - yet could be bestsellers... for they are... memories... real, not fiction. Today was, in a small way, life-changing.

Highbury Match Report

2006-06-01T15:15:00.000Z

Received today from the sponsors - I was in the white team:

Barc1ays Highbury experience

Introduced by Bob Wilson as “two of the most terrifying team managers” Sammy Nelson (blue) & Charlie George (white) led their teams into one of the last ever football battles to be played at Highbury.

With the Highbury pitch calling, the teams ran out to begin their warm ups. While the whites began their well organised drills (by luck of the draw) a more youthful looking blue side passed the ball around the park.

This youthful strength showed in the fourth minute with the blue’s centre forward pouncing on a defensive error by the whites to chalk up the first goal of the game.

The lead was extended shortly after as Danny Houghton rounded the keeper and slotted the ball into the back of the net.

The whites struck back with some intricate passing across the middle of the park but couldn’t make it count in the final third.

The blues pressed hard, using the wings well, Shaun el-Alwal going down the right and putting in a cross for Gary Edwards to nod home, only for the effort to be ruled offside.

The whites fought on and some nice passing put the centre forward (Me!) through one on one with the keeper. ‘Almunia’ in goal had a ‘Lehman esc’ rush of blood to the head, raced out and brought the striker down outside the box.

The ref showed a football sense that some UEFA officials could learn from and didn’t send the keeper from the pitch. John Fisher stepped up to take the subsequent free kick and a great effort was only denied by the cross bar.

A third goal from the blues came soon after as el-Alwal broke once again beating his man and delivering a ball to the far post for Houghton to score his second.

The second half picked up where the first ended, with the blues once again pressing and several chances went begging.

Daniel Haigh showed some fine individual skill for the whites beating a number of players on several occasions but the team couldn’t convert any of their chances.

Searching for a goal left the team in white short at the back and a fine back, heel from Sutton, put King in space to thunder in a forth for the Blues.

Some determined defending, confident keeping and the woodwork kept the score line to 4-0 at full time

Match two report omitted - blues won on penalties.

POST MATCH interviews

Commenting on his blue team’s two match win Sammy Nelson said “I only had them for five minutes imagine what I could have done if I’d had ten!”

“Played two, lost two, that’s why I never went into management” was Charlie George’s response to the performance of his side.

5 words, 2 songs, honesty and a carrot

2006-05-31T14:28:00.000Z

One of my heroes is a man called Pip Wilson. Watched him strut his stuff in the Greenbelt venue 'Rolling Magazine' 20-25 years ago and now feel privileged to call him a friend.

We will be working together again tomorrow with a small group of people and I am looking forward to it. Have an idea to ask each person there to hold out their hands to receive two gifts. One will be a carrot which will be placed in their right palm. The other will not be given, nor even be there with us, nor will it ever be given. Can you guess what it is? Answers on a postcard, or just post a comment.....

Pip has a question he likes to ask - name five words to describe your life at the moment?

A couple of weeks ago we were having a beer and I selected these:

pressing
determined
needy
honest?
still

Unfortunately, when Pip blogged them (http://www.pipwilson.com/) he omitted the question mark - unintentional I'm sure.

It changes the meaning considerably doesn't it. I was wondering if, when and how often I am really honest with myself. Still pondering that one...will get back to you.

Today:

Honest?
Tired
Secure
Unchallenged
Uneasy

Meanwhile, Pip's friend Julie Benson has posed this one: (Hope I am not breaking any copyright here, Pip?) "What are two of the most beautiful songs you know?"

I think I will opt for: [1] Walk On - U2 [2] Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae (because it's current)

So, take your pick:

five words
two beautiful songs
honest?
what's the withheld present?

"Up the Arse"

2006-05-30T14:40:00.000Z

I'm gonna get in trouble for that one, but it is used advisedly as I played at Arsenal (yes, Highbury, home of the Champions League Finalists) last week. This was due to an invite to a corporate event by Barclays who sponsor the Premiership.

There were two squads of 30 players who were split into smaller teams to each play a game of 40 minutes. The opposition manager was Irish international Sammy Nelson and mine the legendary Charlie George. Not that he looks like a footballer now, more like the hen-pecked husband from George and Mildred!

Anyway, the luck of the draw was that we had a team of total duffers and were stuffed 4-0 by a good side.

I didn't mind losing but it was disappointing that, with a minute to go, the Ref gave offside when I was 'sprinting' onto a through ball with only the keeper to beat and a consolation goal. The said goalie had fouled me in the same position in the first half but stayed on the pitch (ironic eh Arsenal fans!) - the subsequent freekick struck the crossbar which would have levelled the scores - ah, funny old game ...

The evening was hosted by Bob (near-post) Wilson and it was great to be there, great fun and a shame that there were only a smattering of supporters not 38,000 to witness it !!

Convergence (starts with blood, sweat and tears?)

2006-05-30T13:09:00.000Z

Hi Blog-fans

Sorry I have been away sooooooo long - about a month - I'm bad, I know. Hope to get back into the groove. Want to share this though…..

Sometimes need time away on my own though. Sometimes thoughts too random too blog. Sometimes stuff too confused in my mind to articulate. Sometimes nothing to say. Sometimes my stuff seems too intimate to share - even with you! Would leave me too vulnerable.

Travelled 500 miles this weekend. Saturday in Sheffield for a youth house party planning day. Wakefield overnight - dinner with my birth-mum and lovely walks at Cannon Hall and around a lake Sunday morning. Drove through a village called Haigh! Good to see her and catch up; to coach her in the delicacies of Thai food and also to meet again my half-brother and his wife. Don't feel entirely connected to 'mum' but our friendship is growing and heading in the right direction I think - making memories is right! ;o)

From there to Nottingham to see friends of 25 years and their grown up (nearly) children. Wonderful to see how the kids are 'turning' out with plans, dreams, gap-year intentions, exam concerns, Uni places, long hair, grunting, smells and smiles. I hope I am as special to them as they are to me, but probably not!! I can live with that. Time when they sat with me and we read a story are long gone - if they chose to sit on me now I could do little about it!!

Alistair and Julie themselves still set the world alight in their own understated way (apart from being fab parents).

Viewed Julie's art and loved it. Daring. Personal. Layered. Revealing. Challenging. Just beginning….

It reminded me that there is a stage in life called Convergence when our talents, gifts, passions, efforts all come together and we find ourselves starting to do what we were always meant to do. This is not to deny the earlier periods of learning and output, but felt a privilege to see Julie at this stage, assuming I am right, but no doubt the best is to come…

I am looking forward to that day for myself, though wonder whether we ever stop stretching?

Similarly, Alistair is taking a PHD in Leadership, which I find inspiring, especially to hear that a man as bright and experienced in his field as he is still reviewing his thinking and application in order to grow.

A lowlight was watching one of the worst (but therefore funniest) sci-fi films ever - A0N FLUX - rented by the 'kids'! The film starts with the premise that in 400 years time the man running the planet is called Trevor - belief was suspended from there on and I never quite recovered !!

From Nottingham drove to Oxford to collect Ned - lovely to see him after a long weekend and home late last night. Good news on the door step - passed my diploma in Leadership and Theology - two and a half years of blood, sweat and tears and doing just enough to get through !!! Haven't passed much in my life - I prefer to 'do' - so delighted.

If ok with you, I will do is post some news retrospectively to fill you in and give me some time to remember what I've been doing !!

Thanks for reading. Love ya, Dan x

World Cup - The 'Rules' and advice

2006-04-28T14:56:00.000Z

Just received this from Man of the World, Steve; this post is sub-titled (by me) Misogynists of the World Cup Unite!!

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year...

LIST OF 'RULES'
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games.
In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO N OT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Men of the World

Abseiling

2006-04-28T14:44:00.000Z

Going down ... to upload... an image to my profile!!

How green is my valley....

2006-04-28T13:15:00.000Z

How busy is my week! Another week of my life gone and my absence from Blog world has been noted.

Busy you say? Indeed, went to Manchester on Saturday afternoon after a very strange Friday night. Played footie and actually scored a couple of crackers (first for a while!) and came home to chill out in front of Have I got news for you, Mel & Griff and then Eric Morecombe - laughed lots.

Bath and bed by midnight, but feeling really ill - nothing particularly. Slept 3 lovely hours then woke for no reason and dozed for an hour and a half. So got up at 4.30 and started making music compilations for the journey North!

Just as well, leaving at midday, I forgot that the FA Cup semi-final was at Old Trafford and spent ages on the M6 with Chelsea motorists. Ignored the very long queue for the direct route on the M56, kept going North, eventually looped back South on the clear ring road - bizarre.

Anyway, Saturday's party - joint birthday do for Helen and Melissa - only knew one person there before 5pm that day but had a lot of fun meeting friends and family - almost all in fancy dress! Have never seen so many superheroes in one venue! The Incredibles and Buzz Lightyear won the prizes. Duff Man stole the show, closely followed be He-Man and She-La !!!!

Sunday lunch spent in glorious sunshine outside the Slug and Lettuce in Didsbury laughing at the toilet escapades of Harry P0tter's wand - you had to be there !!!

Spinning lots of plates at work - had meetings yesterday at the GLA building on the South Bank and at Brentford FC concerning the Olympics and, funnily enough, football - the latter with the Chaplain from Manchester United FC - check out http://www.kicklondon.org.uk/

Last night I was DJ at a YMCA Cultural Evening featuring sets as follows: Polish dance ‘Krakowiak’; South Indian Classical Dance ‘Bharatanatyam’; American Hip-hop; Spanish Salsa workshop; Punjabi Bhangra Mix; plus traditional food from various countries, an African clothes fashion show and an International Auction.

Have to admit this is not usually my bag (unless I'm in the country at the time then I will actively explore the culture) but the evening was fab. Organised by our International Volunteer from the Ukraine. Proceeds will sponsor children from one of our projects to visit Kiev.

Broken news - still feeling on the up after last week. Conversations since all positive. Looks like the study won't happen until the autumn though?

May Day - Gonna be busy again this Bank Holiday weekend with a wedding, seeing friends; more daredevil cycling from Ned (I hope!), and some time to chill too.

Can I leave you with a thought? Questions first.....

What do you hope for?
Are you suffering in any way?
Do you need to keep going with something?

"Rejoice in hope
be patient in suffering
persevere in prayer! ... Romans 12:12 from the New Testament

I have a hope; personal experience that prayer works, and my life is relatively free of suffering (though requiring patience!). Hope that's not a gloat, but I must say...

How green is my valley.

Breaking news...

2006-04-20T16:23:00.000Z

Making enquiries at the moment about registering for a Certificate in Communication and Counselling skills, the course being an introduction to counselling and psychotherapy.

This is primarily about attaining skills with sufficient theory (to underpin) to give an understanding of the three broad streams of psychotherapy: humanistic, cognitive-behavioural and psychodynamic. Will tell you what that all means when I find out !!!!

This feels like the right direction for me following on from my Leadership and Theology course, the personal therapy work I have been doing, the pastoral work I already undertake and, above all, God's calling on my life to use my soap-opera past (!) for the benefit of others. This seems to be affirmed by those I respect too.

This isn't a career change, yet. Though it is possible that this could lead to formal training and a qualification, I am not sure whether it is probable. One step at a time, eh!

The long weekend was great - lots of work, rest and play (as predicted). Ned learning to ride his bike without stablisers was great fun and we had a great time over 6 days seeing lots of friends, finishing the garden pergola, chilling out, and quality time to remember and celebrate Easter.

Only downside is that having stopped work I seem to have come down with a cold or something so not 100%. However, seeing my old mucker Bazzer tonight for a yarn. Will be talking until the proverbial cows come home!! Level 5 all the way, no doubt.

By his stripes

2006-04-11T16:28:00.000Z

Well - what a gap since I lost blogged - 12 days - sorry blog fans.

Things have been just as hectic despite the fact that my course has finished, Dads + Lads too, and the talk I was going to give at a church is done and dusted. That went well - even had a round of applause - most embarrassing!!

Anyway it is a relief not to have those 3 locos coming down the tracks at me!

It was my birthday last Thursday - I was 30/11 :o)
Was out to dinner with Ned - had a rack of ribs - fab!

Ned (with some prompting from me) got his mum to fund a birthday present (for once), so I was expecting a picture frame or candle!

To my surprise the wrapped parcel was the C4 box set of the Ashes series last year. Yeeeee haaaaaa.

Ned was with mum at the weekend so I spent an a.m. delighting in:

Simon Jones's reverse swing
Freddie - the Aussie nightmare (what a player)
Trescothick's class
Vaughan's captaincy
Pietersen's power with the bat (slippery fingers though)
the Straus diving flying slip catch - unbelievable
and the sheer joy of seeing sport played in such a good spirit (all bar Ponting's run out - keep running Ricky !!!).

Given I have been running Dads + Lads the last six Saturday mornings I figured I was owed a chill?

Saturday night I was out clubbing with friends - it was a good evening ... mostly ... a cool band playing live, called 'Bosh' or something like that.

Saw a girl in there - thought "Wow she's lovely". Had a fab smile.

However, I was too shy to go and say hello. Chicken. :o(

Kinda still thinking about her. I was disappointed with myself, but guess I was afraid (as ever) of rejection - for not being handsome nor witty enough, not smart enough, too old (!), too clumsy... inarticulate, lacking confidence.....

On the other hand, it was partly that everyone was dancing and she had a girl friend stuck to her like glue, so the opportunity was hard to spot - was also near the end of the evening but even then I would have had to shout at her to be heard !!! Tried to work out an opportunity but never happened and I couldn't quite see how to ... bugger.

'Ads' chatted to her for her a while (ignorant of my interest) but later remembered nothing about her except her leather strides - DOH!

Sunday night spent with T & T - roast chicken (hmmmm) and some gorgeous NZ wine. Boy, did we laugh at ... pretty much everything under the sun. The ground we covered in a 3 hours - phew!

Looking forward to Easter - special time. Got a couple of days off - Ned not away this holiday for once - so nice mix of work, rest and play.

Gonna watch the Passion of the Christ again with friends on Friday night - blows my mind. I hadn't really understood "by his stripes we are healed" until I watched the flogging scene. Harrowing is an understatement.

Praying for healing for myself - of the fear, doubt etc. described above.

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see

Like Neo (meaning new) I am "starting to believe" despite the evidence of Saturday night.

That one event does not define who I am.

I am more than that 'failure' and growing such that I do feel more confident in myself. Setbacks are ok, ne? We learn. We move forward. We stretch and, in doing, so we are stretched.

Some victories are greater even than the Ashes.

Some resurrections more amazing even than the England team.

Gotta run baby, run

2006-03-30T16:35:00.000Z

Hey Guys,

Sorry I've been absent - sooooooo busy.

Saturday was the 5th of six Dads + Lads sessions. Great discussion, mostly with the boys, about boundaries and how they are a sign of a parents love - they knew it already - made me wonder why there are ever arguements! Thought about 'time outs' to cool off before coming back to talk through issues. A good principle I think, because especially as kids get older they need to feel that their point of view is heard and respected, even if the decision goes the 'against' them.

From there we took a trip to the RAF Museum at Hendon to admire aeroplanes from the early Hawkers to the Euro Fighter. We had a tour of the bombers by 86 year old Jumbo who had seen action with the Pathfinder Squadron. He spoke with a quiet command, humour and humility. How I respect his generation and the sacrifice made for our freedom.

So, not home until 3.30 pm for a short break, and then out to prepare for Mammas. This is an evening that this year sold out with 120 mums chauffered to our church turned restaurant for a three course Mexican meal prepared, cooked and served by men. A lot of wives came but single moms had tickets bought for them by the guys - cool.

I was Maitre D' to about 20 'staff' - mainly my mates - but what an effort to keep some of them in line!!! . A very successful evening, but I was exhausted by the time we got out of church at 1pm!

Had the final two exams of my course on Monday night then a celebratory curry afterwards. It has been a great trip with my friends over 2.5 years. We have all learnt and grown loads. Hard to quantify but definitely life changing stuff.

Preparing to speak at a church this Sunday morning - the subject is PASSION !!

Meanwhile, work busy but fun. Submitted a new idea today to buy a house boat for our homeless residents to use as move on accomodation - i.e. the final stage of support in helping young people onto independant living.

The YMCA owns a tower block and the Grand Union Canal runs adjacent to it. Gonna work with British Waterways and the lcal MP on this one. Fun eh!

Ok, gotta run - collect Ned and cook dinner... luv ya x

Grapple Fans & Bush Kangaroos

2006-03-23T16:48:00.000Z

"And welcome Grapple Fans..." was the introduction (as far as I remember) to the wrestling on ITV's World of Sport, Saturday afternoons. My dad used to love it: Giant Haystacks, Big Daddy (real name Shirley something?), Rocco, Mick McManus and co including a hooded character I can't quite place?

Don't know why I thought of that, but these days we have WWF - I hate it. It is violent, false, demeaning and has nothing good about it. Grrrrrr.

Feeling positive right now (despite the rant above!!). Feel I am understanding myself a little bit more and I feel more confident for it. More aware. More in control. Relaxed.

Still working on my smiling... can even scold Ned and smile now. Or pretend to smile when I don't feel like it, which actually makes us both laugh because of the bizarre contortions of my face!

Try this: when you are out walking with someone - doesn't have to be a child - see if one of you can skip 15 yards to the other...WITHOUT smiling. Then switch. It's almost impossible to do. You can't help but smile. Ned, myself and others have had fun with that for years. Doh!

Now I'm thinking of Skippy... Skippy... Skippy, the bush kangaroo....

Not going there, besides I doubt they would allow the term 'bush kangaroo' these days !!!! (Ooh you are awful !!!!). Captain Pugwash and his crew were bad enough... NO COMMENTS PLEASE !!!!!

You can't bottle that

2006-03-17T17:24:00.000Z

I was at the a funeral yesterday of Edie Dunning, a wonderful lady, who has left us aged 87 to join her heavenly father and husband George. Her surviving son, Ron, paid tribute to her and the Vicar related the tale of how Edie and George met by chance in Walpole Park, Ealing, in 1944. They courted for a year before marrying and were together for 51 years.

A sad day but wonderful to celebrate Edie's life - one of selfless service to her husband, son and a faithful friend - Edie had met every Thursday afternoon with Joyce for the last 15 years.

My friend, Ron, has been a wonderful support for his Mum, giving up his job in the autumn to care for her while she was poorly. Edie died in peace having, I understand, said all she wanted to Ron and vice versa.

Death is draining - seeing Ron's pain and that of Edie's nephew and friends. I returned home at 4pm and, still suited, with coat and gloves on, lay on the sofa and slept for an hour.

Yet, I am grateful for the Christian hope, indeed certainty, of reconciliation in the 'afterlife'.

Ron spoke of his inner peace countless times yesterday. You can't bottle that. You can't buy it. All you need is a mustard seed.

Syriana

2006-03-14T12:54:00.000Z

Saw this film Saturday night. Not a moment of it was I not thinking. Thinking. Thinking. What's going on? What's happening? What does that mean? How do those relate to one another? Lawyers, politicians, terrorists, FBI, young Muslims, families, foreign policy, Princes, poverty, fat cats, oil men, my car, suicide bombers.

Some of the critics have said, and I agree:

"Syriana is the starting point for an intense and lengthy conversation."

"it'll make you angry, it'll make you think and it'll scare the hell out of you."

"Seldom have form, content and cultural sensibility been so excitably aligned as in this fascinating, exasperating film about the unholy marriage of power politics and global business."

"The thematic temperature of "Syriana" runs hot and doesn't waste a single second of film time."

"a profound reflection of our own scary reality."

"Adept at delivering macro and micro perspectives without moralism or conviction."

For me, this is a thriller that did not thrill so much as leave a bitter taste in the mouth. It again frames some of the reasons for global military and political posturing, while leaving the viewer to draw their own conclusions and perhaps, judgements. And, finally I concluded, as this writer did, that the film shows:

"a little of how the world really works -- and that the world's dark machinations are every bit as sordid and pitiless as your worst suspicions." There are times when I loath America :o(

Overwhelmed?

2006-03-13T17:12:00.000Z

Was thinking today about what being overwhelmed means?

The dictionary says:
[1] overpower, esp. emotionally.
[2] Defeat by force

Re [1] - I imagined being overwhelmed to be moments of extreme pressure and, because too much was happening at once, to be unable to cope, function, or think straight.

I haven't changed my mind on that except for the context of my definition, or is it an interpretation? Either way, I have typically assumed the pressure to be from external circumstances - the stuff I talked about in September:

The treadmill - the pressure I feel at the lowest point of my day - when I'm tired from work and haven't yet eaten - the interruptions that can cause me to explode - "can I have a drink? I'm hungry what's for dinner. Look at this! Dad...come here a minute please".

I have been reminded today that to be overwhelmed can be due to internal pressures too, particularly in times of real trauma - bereavement, diagnosis of terminal illness, major health issues, being made redundant, marriage breakdown etc. Sounds obvious, ne?

But what of the feelings that can overwhelm us daily.

If you stopped to think and analyse it, how often in a day do we experience (in no particular order and to name only a few) fear, panic, prevarication, isolation, desperation. I have realised that for me a combination of feelings, or even a single emotion, can leave me frozen inside with simply no sense of feeling anything. Isn't that another form of being overwhelmed?

Perhaps the second definition Defeat by force is applicable here. Because that state of being frozen means, in effect, that I am not able to function. I am defeated - "at a loss" in everyday language, even if only momentarily.

Have any of the following ever happened to you? Hearing bad news and grinning - it's like a nervous reaction. Being near someone who is crying and wanting to run away. Being in a train carriage with a few noisy youths and feeling panicky ... threatened. Being in a lift feeling trapped. Having to talk to someone you don't know and wanting to run and hide.

Being overwhelmed for me can take various forms and be caused be any number of things. Even compliments can be very confusing!!

The good news for today is that, having concluded that I have a heart of stone, because I often seem to feel nothing in some situations, perhaps, after all, I am feeling so much... it is... too much? Overwhelming.

All I need to do now ... is figure out what to do about it !!!!

If this sounds familiar please leave a message. Anon is fine. Dan x

That was the week that was

2006-03-10T17:32:00.000Z

What a week. Busy every night. Ups and down. Finishing it feeling strong. In summary:

Monday - Vision night - thinking about the year ahead for our church. Brilliant that we gave away £110,000 this last year. Excited about the plans ahead. "better to fail trying than to fail to try".

Heard about another male suicide at lunchtime. 4th in six/eight months - what is going on guys? See my post on 2nd November "Uno, dos, tres.... "

Tuesday - parenting support group - thinking about how Ned perceives my love and what I need to do to adjust my behaviour to meet his needs. For instance, for Lent I haven't given anything up, but last week I decided I must smile more. Ned agreed !! I think when I am listening to Ned and he is describing his day I am too intent (listening for issues like bullying, performance or whatever) and probably look rather stern! I need to lighten up and respond in more overtly positive ways. SMILE!

Later - friend came over. Tragic news in her family. One of the toughest things I have ever heard. Can't say more - confidential.

Wednesday - line management meeting with Tom, football coach. Good planning time. He's a *

Felt I was hard on a friend this afternoon and perhaps hurt him. It hurt me to think so because he has been so gracious - I cannot always understand why such a great man would spend time with me - there it is again..."am I lovable" Bob Marley: "could ya be, could ya be, could ya be loved?

Thursday - a very dear friend lost his mum today. He is devasted, having no close family now.
He has asked me to support him at the funeral next Thursday and I am honoured. He has been an amazing support to me over 20 years.

M, know you are struggling too. Feio. You're on my mind and in my prayers. Likewise Jean.

Friday - intensive study weekend on team building. Hosting at my house tonight. Missing tomorrow morning because although I got the dates right I wrote them down in February - Doh! So, will be at Dads and Lads tomorrow. Great session last week so hoping for the same again.

Crucial six nations matches this weekend - looking forward to those.
Going home now.
Grace abounds.
Thanks for reading.

"Ooh, you are awful...

2006-03-02T17:10:00.000Z

...but I like you!" Goes one of Dick Emery's larger than life 'female' characters, as she jovially shoves over another unsuspecting male!

Am I lovable? Are you lovable?

The answer to that question is an indication to much of our worldview today. If we have received positive messages of love, appreciation, encouragement and care, both explicitly and implicitly, throughout our lives (particularly in our formative years) then we probably believe that we are worth something; are of value; if only to someone else.

What if, say (as I heard told by someone) you are the youngest in a family; you weren't 'planned' and, as you grow, your mum introduces you to friends and associates as "our little mistake"?

What if your are the daughter that came instead of a son?
What if your are a son and not a daughter?

What if you were given away - adopted? Taken away and fostered?

What if your parents split up and their behaviour lead you to think (as a child) that it was your fault - that if only you had been better behaved or...something... they would have stayed together and not torn your world in half?

What if you had a domineering or abusive or violent or absent Dad?
What if you had a controlling mother who would not let you grow up?

What if you learnt to get attention from your parents by getting good grades in school, or shoplifting? What's your "if"....?

Are you lovable? You are. Yes, you are.
Am I lovable? I am. Yes, I am.

What if we believed it? What might we achieve? What healing might come? Which relationship might we start, sustain, or thrive in?

"Ooh, you are lovable..." :o)

High hopes

2006-03-01T11:13:00.000Z

Derived from the Indo-European root kam / kem, which means, "to cover, to veil, to hide and to wound" comes the word shame.

We may experience shame following an experience of exposure, particularly when what is sensitive, intimate and vulnerable for us, is revealed or laid bare. The exposure may not only be to others, but perhaps a revelation to ourselves, e.g. how we behave when we are drunk, can be so out of "character". We all have a tendency not to admit to certain personal qualities!

What is common in all experiences of shame is feeling we have failed to meet our personal expectations and standards. Thoughts and feelings of self-dislike, self-condemnation and self-denigration will be present and perhaps be almost overwhelming.

The psychological impact of shame can be amazingly subtle, yet can cripple our journey towards wholeness.

Shame means we believe ourselves to be bad, defective and wanting. A deficit of love, a need for comfort and reassurance are familiar to me.

"Shame is associated with helplessness, weakness and loss of control; it is an experience involving intense feelings of painful embarrassment, humiliated anger and a sense of devastation. There are feelings of shrinkage and diminution, which is quite the opposite of feeling a rooted sense of competence and self worth." © Terry Bi rchmore. 1997.

Shame

2006-03-01T11:05:00.000Z

Shame - [Collins dict.] a painful emotion caused by awareness of having done something dishonourable or foolish. Capacity to feel shame; cause of shame; cause for regret; disgrace.

Good night...and good luck

2006-02-27T09:26:00.000Z

How are you today my friend. I'm feeling strangely bright and breezy for a Monday morning!

Interesting weekend. Stood up on Friday night! ha ha!
A friend in crisis prevented my date keeping our appointment.

Stood up Sunday night aswell by two of my best friends. Their different excuses came on text within a minute of one another!

Dads + Lads was good - everyone came and (I think) had a good time.
The discussion was around "what does fatherhood mean to you?"
The opening question I posed for the guys was "what's good about being a dad?" Silence. A stumbling attempt at an answer. A dictate about what 'you' should do as a dad.

Maybe there was reticence to speak up in the first session?
But felt discouraged that the question was such a struggle for the dads. Hope, however, that it will provoke thought this week.

Decided to go to the cafe my church has recently bought in the high street to wind down. Had I gone straight home I know the session would have been a complete disaster after 30 minutes reflection and pondering!! Patience, Dan. I have to remember that each course resets to the beginning - I am carrying on from the last one, in a way, but the dads aren't. AND, isn't this why I am running the course in the first place - to celebrate fatherhood and 'big up' our children.

Good to chill out at the cafe with a couple of guys who I haven't seen for a while. Phil and I used to be in an accountability group, so fab to switch back to level 5 so quickly.

Went to the late night show Saturday (after the enthralling repeat of The Apprentice) to see "Good night...and good luck" the first of two George Clooney films out now. Interesting stuff, won't go into the politics of it now, but I will always remember this film as the first in which I had the theatre completely to myself!!

Gonna end with a moan - the Calcutta Cup Saturday - groan. How did Ben Cohen not score in the corner? We were poor. Scotland deserved their victory.

And so it came to pass....

2006-02-24T16:46:00.000Z

that I was indeed crunching a carrot during preparations for dinner! Had a fab time with Ian & Amanda, friends of 12 years. Actually, I think Cirencester is in Gloucestershire but, either way, I wish they lived closer. Level 5 conversations with both, one of which moved me to tears due to the love, care and concern expressed for Ned and I. It was beautiful and painful simultaneously. The downside was the fact that we were sitting outside about 10.30 in freezing temperatures; in a brief snow flurry; sustained by Johnny Walker and a cigar ...ahhh... that's why we were outside - now I remember!

Similarly, on Wednesday night I had dinner with a couple who have known me longer than anyone outside my adopted family (who now barely know me at all). Chris and Lucy - my youth group leaders sufferred me when I was a spotty, pain in the arse, teenager - so they tell me!! At least I have lost the spots!! Again, it was wonderful to talk about the deeper magic and, sadly, the absence of it for each of us at times, and those around us. I'm not sure we made any more sense of life's journey by 11.30 but I feel an incredible bond with them both, who have seen me go through my difficult times, and are heroes to me.

Ned and I had a great time at the weekend dismantling his 2 metre high fort in the garden which, I am hoping, will partly remain (yes...recycling man!) as a pergola. Wonderful time showing him how to saw, mark the wood beforehand, use a hammer, chisel, screws and screwdriver etc etc.

The Dads + Lads program I run starts tomorrow. I retired early to bed last night with a stinking headache, only to rise at 3.45 a.m. to spend an hour and a half preparing for it. Guess it was stressing me! http://www.westlondonymca.org/news/dadsandlads.htm

Looking forward to the weekend then. Meeting good, good mates Sunday night for some accountability and sharing. Little Mary Alice's baptism is on Sunday morning. Football tonight followed by a second 'date' with the lady I met a fortnight ago. Ooh er! Not finding that easy. Been on my own for a while now and know that trust is something I find very difficult. Still, I hope we will have fun conversation as before. She challanged me about my beliefs, which was a tad like facing a firing squad, but a great debate about Christianity nonetheless, and how it relates to real life! Lovin' it, lovin' it.

Talking with the men's group yesterday how I feel at pains that words can be very cheap with regards opinions, attitudes, beliefs and that our visible, tangible integrity speaks volumes. I'm trying to live up to that. The stakes are high. Gotta stand before a group of Dads tomorrow and be vulnerable enough not to appear arrogant that I am somehow a model Dad, yet for them to have confidence that together the course will enrich their lives and relationships. The stakes are high.

And so it came to pass... another week has passed. Another blog. Another thought / wish / prayer... that you... the reader... would know how wide and high and long and deep is the love of God, who loves us so much that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. The price is paid.

Crunching carrots

2006-02-15T17:33:00.000Z

I have a couple of days off now - going away with Ned to see my friends, his godparents, and one of my godsons, in Wiltshire.

Sorry didn't really download my many, many thoughts into a blog this week - been really busy.

Catch u later. :o)

Just like that!

2006-02-15T14:22:00.000Z

From the master.... Tommy Cooper:

Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, '! I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

A guy goes into the doctor's.'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Now don't you start!'

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round. 'The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'

Police arrested two youths yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night.

A secret...

2006-02-10T17:25:00.000Z

Checkin' out for the weekend. Tired. Ned has had a heavy cold all week. He climbs in bed in the small hours and coughs and splutters all over me! Poor lad - we've been waking up pretty much every hour the last few nights. Sunday I actually sent him back to his bed because I had two exams Monday night. He was great about it.

So, looking forward to playing football later - nearly always rejuvenates me. Otherwise a chilled weekend awaits as Ned will be with his mum.

"A secret is something you tell one other person" - gotta 'blind date' tomorrow..... Hope it's a fun evening. Think Lebanese is on the menu. Expanding my networks. Meeting new people. Cool.

P.S. Hope this font size is better for some of my more mature blogites!

Like the sunshine

2006-02-07T16:50:00.000Z

At the weekend my friend Mark conjured up a cool visual aid using a newsletter. He was describing how broken relationships leave us scarred. Torn. He ripped a strip from the edge of the paper.
Broken promises. Tear.
Broken marriages. Tear.
Broken dreams. Tear.

The simplicity of it was upsetting and it felt like my life was sitting in the palm of his hand... in shreds.

Like my last post, I am the guy who knew he was overdrawn, but didn't realise by how much....the bank statement just came in. Oh. Bugger.

On the upside, part of my Course has been considering the importance of evaluation.

You have to know where you are and where you are not in order to plot a course to your chosen destination.

Mark's message was of grace - God's Grace. I was lost - now I am found.
Not healed completely. But completely loved.

As I write I'm reminded of the Corgi's song "Everybody's gotta learn sometime"

"Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your lovin', like the sunshine
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime"

The drum keeps on turning

2006-02-03T16:39:00.000Z

Re my post on 24th Jan. "When it all comes out in the wash". Had a follow up to that this week when I was able to feedback to the people concerned on most of my list of 12 frustrations!

Kinda scary to deliver 'news' like that. Not only because it's a group but also because of the individuals who make it up. I realised later that I was trembling inside. Lasted probably an hour. Gut churning.

I had ascertained in the autumn that I was going to set aside what people might think of me when I related back thoughts and feelings, so that I was being totally honest, and not minimising the affect of this stuff for me or others. Nor spinning information to big me up. A constant battle!

But there was I... Trembling inside... Meaning... What?

I think I underestimate just how much others opinion of me really matters to me. I think perhaps I am realising why that is?

It's the desire to be liked. To be taken seriously. To be important. Noticed. Included. Respected. Loved. So I guess I'm in deficit in some area of my life?

This lead me to consider what my life would look like if I didn't have activities or shared interests in common with my friends. Would I still have those friends. Would they like me for who I am? How much does my position and role dictate that?
Aim: to pursue a path on which the influence of others lessens, and the real me can stroll on in integrity. Here's hoping!

Bricking it

2006-02-03T15:16:00.000Z

A young and successful executive was driving along a suburban street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked vehicle shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you for stopping - may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

With thanks to Robin

Oddities of the last 48 hours

2006-02-02T10:23:00.000Z

[1] Architect, building contractor, surveyor, council officers from Planning and Conservation depts.

I have never so clearly failed to connect with an individual in a business meeting as I did yesterday with the last on this list. In my defence, understanding the issues and the statutory requirements, was like nailing jelly to a wall. But this person was cold, unhelpful, specific, vague and contradictory all at the same time. Arghh. Frustration.

I doubt when Jesus said "love your neighbour as yourself" that he had tried to get a extension approved on his bungalow!

[2] Have you ever.....

...walked along a road when everyone coming the other way is staring at you?

What goes through your mind?

Hair - check. Flies - check. Nose - check. Dribble - check. Right?

Happened to me this week..... weird feeling.

P.S. Check out the show STOMP in the West End. Saw it Tuesday night. FAB!

The offside rule...

2006-02-02T10:11:00.000Z

...EXPLAINED FOR GIRLS [blogfans remember this is purely for your consideration, without any personal liability for its contents, its tone or regarding any broader interpretation or inference! Got a problem see Steve W - now of no fixed abode!!]

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

There you go poppet!!

10 things God won't ask

2006-01-31T16:37:00.000Z

1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove.
He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house.
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet.
He'll ask how many you helped to clothe

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was.
He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it

5. God won't ask what your job title was.
He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability

6. God won't ask how many friends you had.
He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7. God won't ask in what neighbourhood you lived.
He'll ask how you treated your neighbours

8. God won't ask about the colour of your skin.
He'll ask about the content of your character

9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Him and get to know Him.
He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not the gates of Hell.

10. God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to.
He already knows your decision

I received this from Peter (thanks) who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've shared it with you. The idea is that you send it to the people who are 'keeper's' in your life. "Good friend are like stars...you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!"

Hey, and no goalie jokes please! Next blog is a contribution from Steve - the offside rule explained for women!

Some days you live a little, die a little.

2006-01-27T13:14:00.000Z

I'm berated, on occasions, for not posting everyday! Phew, the pressure of being what Billy Connelly described as "windswept and interesting", which was a funny until he sold out totally to advertise the National Lottery - grrrrrrr!

Quote from the Bridges of Madison County: Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort.

Change. Piece of cake, right?

Yesterday was an amazing day. Waking up....again! Seeing Ned's play at school.

Coffee with a wonderful colleague - really stimulated me to think....
"Sometimes a cigar's just a cigar." Freud.

Men's group at lunchtime.

A business meeting in the afternoon - invested 2 hours + travel time, with no visible sign of return / benefit to my organisation until the guy made a throw away comment in the closing exchanges - turned the meeting into something very positive!

Late afternoon - tricky conversation with my sons teacher went really well - bought her a token of appreciation (a Chrysanthemum) and got a kiss this morning! Oh Matron! Errr, yeah, she's a MRS....so back off guys.

Spent some time with a new team member, and later my CEO. My organisation broke some difficult news yesterday. We are closing our Health Club. Some staff will be made redundant. The world has moved on and whereas once we were a successful sole-player in that market place, the club itself is now redundant commercially.

We can't subsidise losses for ever when we have so many young people to cater and care for. Sounds as though we are caring for those who will be disappointed by the news. Have to say there is a sense of relief that a decision has been taken, and a course set - in that sense the above quote applies. Praying for all those affected.

During a conversation in the evening a friend (who had been studying at home most of the day) said "wow, you met lots of people today!" I did. But hadn't appreciated the richness of the day until then. Cool! Was tired though...

Some days you live a little, die a little.

Look and learn! [1]

2006-01-27T12:45:00.000Z

"Trust your feelings, Luke." Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." Lord Vader .... can't remember!
"Do or do not. There is no try." Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

When it all comes out in the wash

2006-01-24T11:16:00.000Z

"Your thoughts are your thoughts ....Give me your opinions and observations. "

If anything in life is worth watching, reading, or listening to, it's often because it stirs our souls and our passions. There is a connection. To him. To her. To the music. To the script. To the images. To a group or a team.

I was in a meeting yesterday that left me highly frustrated. I got back to the office and wrote down 12 reasons why that was.

Observation: have you noticed how when men are asked "how do you feel about that?" they will almost certainly reply along the lines of "I think that..." or "My view is..."

Opinion: I think that guys are less in touch with how they feel about stuff. Especially me.

I don't think that to say I am frustrated about 12 different things is anywhere near a true reflection of what I actually feel. I am trying to learn the process of breaking that stuff down so I can understand it. Frustration, in other words, may be resentment, disappointment, anger, fear, inaction, inappropriateness, desperation, jealousy, dread, confusion and so on, not only in units but a mixture of them?

The process of writing down my list helped my to get to grips with what I was thinking and feeling. I wrote it all in an email about 2 o'clock and decided not to send it. I felt calmer and more in control of my emotions.

A friend today pointed out that an email I sent later about 4.45 pm could have been softer, and so it could. It was another instance of frustration, entirely separate to the above, some of my earlier feelings went into the latter email. Feio!

Can observations connect? Can thoughts? Maybe. But if this blog is worth writing, if it is worth reading, it will be because it means something - to me at least. It is written by a human, not a machine, who cannot easily assign observations, thoughts, opinions and feelings to disconnected compartments.

I guess I could just have presented the above observation and opinion and then said "Discuss". But that seems pretty bland to me. So if, guys, you want my opinions and observations ONLY, it just ain't gonna happen - do you see? Anyway, if YOU have found a way to separate out then, please, tell me your secret! Chow baby. ;o)

Go in peace, or stay and play!

2006-01-19T17:32:00.000Z

Hi Guys…. Happy New Year.

Haven’t blogged for a while, sorry. Christmas threw my routine completely. I’ve just about got my sleeping patterns together after time off over the holidays. No work, so didn’t get tired, so still still reading at 3 am, so couldn’t get up in the morning!! First day back at school my son woke us up at 8.20 – we slept through the alarm – fastest we have ever got ready and left the house!!

I think I also needed a while to reflect on the comments left for me recently. I think I see where the brothers are coming from, but if you want to take the post below as a thinking or opinions post then… I probably won’t bother. By the way, funny as some of the post is, it doesn’t reflect my views of relationships and, though I observe the reality of some of it, all it really tells us is what we already know - that we are different from women. The interesting bit for me is how to work that out in relationship in a loving win / win situation.

So, am I gonna stick to just opinons? I don’t think so. I offer the process for your benefit. Knowing that it's hard for us guys to talk about lots of this stuff. The purpose is to firstly explore level 5 for myself and secondly to see if my stuff chimes with you.
If it doesn’t it could be you are not wired for a single spark of emotion, but then you may be in denial of that, or have no idea of how to see / feel / share the deeper magic? Whatever, if my stuff doesn’t do it for you – that’s fine. Doesn’t negate who I am, or who you are – so go in peace.

Otherwise, I hope that my level 5 is bearable and that seeing it tried by someone else helps you to reflect who you are and where you are. I was listening to a leader of an national organisation at the weekend talk about his love of orienteering. You're stuck in the middle of somewhere, given a map, and told to get to a particular point. The trouble is, unless you know where you start from, you have no chance of plotting a route. Dig?

Isn't it true that we often realise what we think or feel about something when we have to articulate it to someone else. It's true for me. Hope you'll stay and journey with me. Welcome back. x

Try these on the wife!

2006-01-16T17:15:00.000Z

At last it's written down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. Here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules!

Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never goingto think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints! do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem! See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and! void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, the offside rule, torque or nano technology.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Try these on the wife! Ok, so you'll sleep on the sofa but, hey, it's like camping out ,right? And do we care!?!

How strange

2005-12-14T17:25:00.000Z

Remembered this from M. Scott Peck (who died last week) after writing my blog below - he writes rather more articulately than I !!

"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."

View from the hole!

2005-12-14T17:00:00.000Z

Er hmmm!

Considering R's comments on Monday. Am I stuck up my own arsehole?

I feel that analysis is a part of who I am. Thinking and feeling my way ahead is what comes most naturally to me, and I am not going to deny that side of my character. Can it be unhealthy? Of course, if done to the extreme and without a broader outlook/perspective.

I have been working this year on making the unconscious conscious, realising things I never knew about myself before. Knowledge can bring understanding.

But I want to be a man who is deep as well as wide. This refelctive process is, I think, moving me in that direction. There are no short cuts to maturity. Therefore to chew stuff over and work it through is, for me, healthy. It feels as though it is for a purpose too when people ask me a question and then listen to what I have to say. I haven't sought that in itself, but it is a beautiful bi-product when what I've learnt from my slimy pit (rhyming) experiences can help someone else when they are in theirs. So, this is (literally) the view from the hole!

Am I stuck there? When I have decided to be there alongside a friend. - yes.

Will I get stuck there unintentionally? Well, the journey I am on is to try to prevent that...

Surely life is meant to be about carrying one another? I've needed people to do that for me - Richard you've been one of those in the past.

So perhaps a question for all of us is: "Whose arsehole are you stuck in?
Whose shit are you in just so they don't have to be there on their own?"

Still want to know me? (see "You don't know me" 19/09/05)

Don't Give Up

2005-12-12T14:47:00.000Z

Though it is one of the most haunting and beautiful in the history of music, I had forgotten about this song. The lyrics are very real right now, and also remind me of Garry (see Uno, dos, tres.... 2/11/05).

Stayed with wonderful friends over the weekend and Chris was reliving how he helped a suicidal woman leave her position on a bridge over the M25, and climb back over the barrier to safety, to life. Remarkable. Life is precious. Life hurts. Shit happens - yep, fair enough. The way it happens sometimes though...

Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one
Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy
Don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong.
Pip writes: "Alicia Keys and Bono have recorded Peter Gabriel’s ‘Don’t Give Up’ to benefit families in Africa living with AIDS. It’s exclusively available as a download from iTunes with proceeds going to the charity Keep A Child Alive." Thanks Pip for blogging about this and helping me see this song again.

"You are getting too stuck...

2005-12-12T14:08:00.000Z

...up your own arsehole. " Is a comment made by my old mate Richard to my blog below!

Level 5? Absolutely! I really appreciate what Richard has said and want to think about it and respond in due course. Please add your own comments. Love ya Rich.

Bad to worse

2005-12-12T10:28:00.000Z

Have blogged less the worse I've been feeling, and since 29/11 (below) things have been really up and down.

I seem to be more prone than ever to feeling pain for those close to me. A friend and colleague has just had a roller coaster time - it's not my place to say why at the moment - and it rocked my world last week. Another friend and colleague had similar, grim news on the very same day, and yet another friend has fallen foul of temptation and his marriage is hanging together by a thread. See him this week to talk over...

I started the morning with prayer, reflecting that the very fact of being alive today means that whatever purpose I am here for remains incomplete. There is something I am meant to do today that will make a difference. I hope it will be to bring light into someone's darkness.

I feel I have become isolated of late. I have been so busy with parenting, work, Trusts, meetings, study and exams as to have neglected to be out with and meeting new people. Gonna change that. Had a 'blind' coffee with a friend of a friend on Saturday, who herself has had a tough time. Bit scary but good to get on and do it and it was fun. The Greenbelt thing last weekend would have been great but didn't feel up to it. Still fighting off this cold - damn tickly cough that has me choking and wretching sometimes.

On the up side, recently I got to spend time with a dear friend who (again) has been struggling with various issues. We prayed together and the feedback is of healing - physical and emotional/pyschological. God is good.

Not what I wanted for the weekend

2005-12-02T17:38:00.000Z

To feel ill and miss football, but not looking good for tonight.

Some good stuff on Sunday hopefully - seeing my sister and two nephews and later one of my god sons to whom I'm known as Uncle Vito - he's called Little Dan - after me! How cool is that !!!!! Feeling better just thinking about it.

Hope to get to a Greenbelt planning session tomorrow too.... Enjoy every breath you take bro'

"Are you feeling ..... punk?"

2005-11-29T16:51:00.000Z

Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on. Tragedy.

Have you ever met a survivor? Of a war? Of genocide? Sexual abuse? BIG STUFF?

Of physical or verbal abuse? Of a broken home? Of a broken heart? Of tragedy?

Have you ever heard a story that left you unmoved? Or maybe only temporarily affected before you're thinking... "yeah, whatever. Get over it." ??

I am wondering about how in touch with my feelings and emotions I really am. For myself and for others? You can either try to guess why, or mind your own business! If the latter, ask yourself this question:

" Are you FEELING ..... punk? " Get it?

Morpheus

2005-11-25T17:58:00.000Z

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path"
Morpheus - The Matrix

Have watched the series again, having finally been able to afford the trilogy box set. Fab films.

I have calmed down some since the last post, though Wednesday was a day of misunderstandings, with half a dozen or so people involved. It's amazing the havoc that can be wrought and the angst created when you are operating without all the facts or the whole story. Thankfully the issues were resolved at a subesequent meeting on Wednesday night.

How do you behave in those moments of pressure and stress? Later, do you consider what you might have done differently?

I tend to be analytical and chew things over, imagining the differnet scenarios and outcomes; hypothosising, modelling, picturing; to try to make sense of things.

Trying to walk a wise path through difficult situations without jumping to conclusions, judging someone or something unfairly, being aware of my emotions but striving for objectivity - know what I could do and so trying to do it. What path are you on?

My lad turns 8 tomorrow, but will be with his mum until Sunday, when he comes back for a football party - probably in a blizzard! Have a good weekend guys.

Flip...

2005-11-21T17:26:00.000Z

I've missed a whole week. Sorry Guys. Did you miss me? lol

Spinning from work, parenting, Trusteeship, youth group, mens group, counselling, mentoring, studying. Being.... Phew! :o(

Haven't touched the PS2 for 10 days so feeling pleased - I enjoy it now and again, in the privacy of my own home. I'm not hurting anyone. I can give up anytime....

Woke up to the morning service on Radio 4 yesterday and Ken Dodd (for those of you who remember him). He seems to have a Christian faith - he spoke - twice - about the God of joy and laughter, and said this:

"do you want to make God laugh?"

"then tell him your plans!"

I've been angry for a week about whether empathy and sympathy and being nice actually helps people? Not as a general rule, just sometimes. Is it ok to soothe someone to the point where the forget that what they really wanted to do was to shout their mouths off and get rid off some of their f#*!king anger? Grrrrrr

Why Blokeology?

2005-11-10T10:18:00.000Z

Feeling a bit rough this morning despite an early (11.00) night. This is due to a busy working week but, I have to admit, mainly due to a 4am finish on Monday or Tuesday trying to complete a level on PS2 Rogue Agent. My the time flies when you're licensed to press buttons frenetically!

Been at this blogging lark for a couple of months now and, as I met a couple of guys this morning at a school assembly and mentioned the site, thought I better state why it's here at all. Here's what I said on day 1:

I have been reading a mate's blog for a while now (AliC) and occasionally posting some tongue in cheek comments when it occurred that it was unfair to be taking a pop at him when he was prepared to be vulnerable on-line and I wasn't. I'm trying to use this canvas to paint my thoughts on being a bloke.

I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways, but then haven't we all?

I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.

I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?
That's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan

Greet one another...

2005-11-08T15:30:00.000Z

...with a brotherly kiss. Says Paul a writer in the New Testament bible. I have just been berated for including a kiss at the end of the last post! Apparently it "looks gay". Why is that so?

When I was in Vietnam in 2001 I was surprised to see guys walking down the street with their arms around one another's shoulders. When I checked this with Han, a local I had got to know, he said that was a simply a sign of friendship. I hear that in parts of the world male friends, similarly, may hold hands.

Walking to the office this morning (by strange coincidence) I followed two male Somalian college students walking so closely together, that I noticed it - there was nothing sexual about it - from the way they engaged in conversation before me, they simply seemed to be sharing, and enjoying, life....

Indeed, I kissed two male friends on the cheek on Saturday night when I met them, as I did their wives. I don't have a problem with this, and neither do the French. It's just fun to challenge the 'norms'!

Is the issue merely a cultural issue, or our preservation of boundaries, or even homophobic... I wonder?

Am I buggin' you? Don't mean to bug ya...

Stood up at the alter

2005-11-08T14:50:00.000Z

Back in the office 30 mins now, having dashed between meetings all day to make a course at 2pm , convening in a local church. It's a follow up to 'The Road less Travelled' called 'Further Down the Road'.

Turned out to be the 'The Course more Cancelled' as HR (for a reason I'm hoping to discover) omitted to tell me. If I sound bitter/mad/fed up... I guess it's because I was looking forward to hanging out with some "beautiful humans" and being stretched and challenged by Pip. Doh!

I am disappointed so getting it off my chest. Rather I tell you broad shouldered fellas than I:
[a] kick the cat (I don't have a cat)
[b] go on an alcohol and drinks bender (I'm too old for an ASBO surely!)
[c] In rage drive my car like it's an Exocet (it's a Renault Laguna - some hope!!!!)

Please don't adust your blog - normal service will be resumed shortly! xx

Wanna fight?

2005-11-04T12:55:00.000Z

I have a load of thoughts whizzing around my head. I feel an ache for the lonely, disenfranchised, hurting, depressed. These words struck me while I was watching some of a DVD with my son last night:

"Look, I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. They take one look at me and go,"Ahh look a big, stupid, ugly ogre." They judge me before they even know me and that's why I'm better off alone." Shrek

This somehow connects me to "you don't know me"? See my blog on 19/9/05.

I heard a suggested definition of social capital last year: "how many people know your name?"

Now turn it around - what's your postman called? The newsagent from who you buy a paper? The office cleaner? Your neighbour?

It also chimes with the life of Rosa Parks and her refusal in 1955 to give her bus seat to a white man. What an impact she made on the course of civil rights history. She wasn't known that day, except for her colour.

We draw near to Remembrance Day. We honour the Unknown soldier and the sacrifice made.

Thoughts whizzing... thinking still about Garry... taking his own life.

Talking to a friend yesterday about depression affects women, she said: you would be amazed to know how many women go through depression due to childhood traumas … subsequently struggling with acceptance, affection, approval, self-worth, self-esteem...resulting in self-mutilation, eating disorders. Even suicide.

Discussing with the guys that I meet midweek what is important to us in friendship. How we may be reticent to ask for help. How we may be equally slow to offer it?

I wonder then, following, the film quote beneath…

What am I fighting for?
Who am I fighting for?
How am I doing in that?

Questions, questions. Not too many answers presently... which leaves me feeling... bereft of human warmth. Like... I need contact. So, if you are reading and thinking, maybe leave a comment? Talk to me goose...

Return to innocence

2005-11-04T00:30:00.000Z

Frodo: "I can't do this, Sam." [Sam gets up and Gollum joins them.]

Sam: "I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are."
[Sam watches the Nazgûl fly away.]

Sam: "It's like in the great stories, Mister Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened."

[The Uruks flee Helm's Deep. The men shout in victory. Aragorn and Èowyn embrace.]

Sam: "But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."

[Isengard is flooded.Saruman retreats from his balcony.]

Sam: "Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mister Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. Because they were holding on to something."

[Frodo is sitting behind Sam, leaning on a wall, with tears in his eyes.]

Frodo: "What are we holding on to, Sam?" [Sam walks to Frodo and lifts him up.]

Sam: "That there's some good in this world, Mister Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

From The Two Towers - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Adapted from JRR Tolkien

For Garry

2005-11-03T09:51:00.000Z

Mahler - Symphony no 2 - 'Resurrection' - Urlicht and Finale
Contralto:
Oh red rose!
Mankind lies in greatest need!
Mankind lies in greatest pain!
Much rather would I be in Heaven!

Then I came upon a broad path;
Then an angel came and wanted to dismiss me.
Ah no! I would not be dismissed!
I am from God and would go back to God!
Dear God will give me a light,
Will light me to blissful everlasting life!

Chorus and Soprano:
Rise again, yes rise again you will,
my dust, after brief repose!
Immortal life,
Will He who called you grant you.

To bloom again you are sown!
The Lord of the Harvest goes
And gathers the sheaves, even us who died!

Contralto:
O believe, my heart, o believe,
nothing of you will be lost!
What you longed for is yours,
yours what you loved,
what you championed!

Soprano:
O believe, you were not born in vain!
Have not vainly lived and suffered!

Chorus:
What was created, that must pass away!
What passed away, must rise!
Cease to tremble!
Prepare yourself to live!

Soprano and Alto, Chorus
O suffering! You that pierce all things,
From you I am wrested away!
O death! you that overcome all things,
now you are overcome!

With wings that I wrested for myself
in the fervent struggle of love
I shall fly away to the light wither no eye pierced

Chorus:
Die I shall, so as to live!
Tutti:
Rise again you will,
My heart, in a trice!
Your pulsation will carry you to God.

Uno, dos, tres....

2005-11-02T17:22:00.000Z

Hi Guys, hope you are good. Back at work after half term and three of my busiest days ever! Had a great break. Hanging out in the North East with my friends ,Jon, Sandra and the kids. Good time, great to catch up - love them lots.

From there to my parents where we stayed Monday night. We went to Norwich Castle for the day on Tuesday and had a great time - my son and I that is. Mum and Dad stayed home - they don't like the city. We peaked at about level 2 - same facts and cliches - no dramas whatsoever, but then not much of a connection either. Once again I wasn't asked a single question about my personal circumstances, life, loves, interests etc. However, I did hear about the new cooker, the NHS, the weather and... I can't remember what else. Nothing of importance. So, I've no idea where that leaves me. Us. Them. I wonder what next? Ahhh for a crystal ball. I was given a Chrismas present for my lad, so won't be receiving an invite back this year I guess !!!!

Hampton Court closed so visited Polesden Lacey - a beautiful Manor house in Surrey where we had a lovely day. Thursday we chilled out at home and went to the park to play football, rugby and cricket, hooking up with some friends and other kids - Wonderful - before driving to Ned's mums to drop him off for the weekend. Miss him when he's away.

Saw a mate, Richard (see ROI below), on Saturday night for a superb meal, wine and BIG level 5 stuff. He's had a really tough time lately due to the suicide of a very close friend. We talked and talked, struggling to make sense of why anyone would totally lose hope and do such a drastic thing, leaving a wife and three kids? It's fair to say we also reflected on the positives in our own lives, despite their ups and downs. I was glad to be there for Rich and glad that he trusts me with his thoughts and feelings. I'm gonne post some lyrics in memory of Garry tomorrow I hope.

If you are reading this and are feeling totally crap - please, don't give up on yourself and everyone else. I believe, and have found it to be true, that even if no-one else (it seems) is there for you, God is.

If you are in dire straits, the Samaritans are a wonderful organisation who will listen if you need to talk through some stuff - in the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

Otherwise, post a comment here with your details and I will get in touch with you if you would like that.

Guys - if you feel you are doing ok - count your blessings and please don't take those around you for granted.

Measles, you blessed me today because of the surprise of your contact and our subsequent dialogue. Thanks.

TTFN...

2005-10-21T17:25:00.000Z

Have a week off for half term. Looking forward to spending the time with my son. Seeing good friends in the North East, who I haven't seen this year yet, so excited about that. We will be listening to a 70's radio adaptation of the Hobbit on our journey and probably working our way through a bunch of Trivial Pursuit question cards, as well as some funky tunes, chatting and laughing. Love it!

Seeing my (adoptive) parents later in the week, who I haven't seen for four years - not so sure about that! Mixed feelings - may well go down the line of enquiring whether they are at all interested in maintaining a relationship? If not, then I am wondering about proposing that we call it a day. At least to have closure. Or would it be? I hadn't spoken to them since December 2003 until last week, when Ned asked whether they were still alive, so we rang!

If that goes pear-shaped then will be at Hampton Court for the day with one of Ned's best mates, and mum, who is a lovely lady, married to a good man. In a sea of insecurity I find there is something secure in having friendships with nuclear family units!

So, take care blokes.

'He who never hurt ridicules the scars of others' William Shakespeare