TTFN...

Have a week off for half term. Looking forward to spending the time with my son. Seeing good friends in the North East, who I haven't seen this year yet, so excited about that. We will be listening to a 70's radio adaptation of the Hobbit on our journey and probably working our way through a bunch of Trivial Pursuit question cards, as well as some funky tunes, chatting and laughing. Love it!

Seeing my (adoptive) parents later in the week, who I haven't seen for four years - not so sure about that! Mixed feelings - may well go down the line of enquiring whether they are at all interested in maintaining a relationship? If not, then I am wondering about proposing that we call it a day. At least to have closure. Or would it be? I hadn't spoken to them since December 2003 until last week, when Ned asked whether they were still alive, so we rang!

If that goes pear-shaped then will be at Hampton Court for the day with one of Ned's best mates, and mum, who is a lovely lady, married to a good man. In a sea of insecurity I find there is something secure in having friendships with nuclear family units!

So, take care blokes.

'He who never hurt ridicules the scars of others' William Shakespeare

I would rather go blind...

... than to look at another woman and consider her solely in terms of her physical attractiveness to me...

This thought crossed my mind at the weekend. Have spent a lot of the last 72 hours lowering my gaze to something / somewhere / anything more appropriate.

Men stumble...

... and may fall... though it's not how you go down... but how you come up that counts.

The thought above was triggerred by the quote below, sent to me by a man who used to be one of my youth leaders - I love and admire him greatly, more than I've ever told him probably. He is a husband, a dad, a friend and a leadership coach.

When I see him and his wondeful wife we soon hit level 5 stuff - or at least I do - they've always been very gracious to me and listened and listened and listened. I wish I saw them more but that's the way of things sometimes isn't it? This is part of a document in which Alistair reflects on what it is to be a great leader, something I am thinking about as I consider whether to apply for a position that's come up at work, though I often feel inadequate to do this job justice as it:

“It is not the critic that counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood: who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, know the greatest enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt.

I suppose you think that's funny!!!

What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis?

The clown knows he’s wearing ridiculous clothes!

Midlife Crisis

Picking up from yesterday and my blog below "A game of two halves"…. I never thought of myself as having a 'Midlife Crisis' but I wonder as I write whether I have had one!! See ""You don't know me" beneath....

Apparently 'Midlife Crisis' is something that happens to many of us at some point during our lives (usually, at about 40, give or take 20 years). Midlife Crisis is a natural process (first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung) and it is a normal part of 'maturing'. However, Midlife Crisis can sometimes feel very uncomfortable, and cause people to seek psychotherapy or counselling, and/or to make a radical lifestyle changes that can be damaging and later regretted .

It can help to view Midlife Crisis from the perspective of differing personality types, as this will give you a greater understanding of what is happening.

Those going through midlife crisis, can experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

• Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years.
• Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life.
• Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different.
• Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before.
• Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or they can be brought on by external factors.

One external factor can be debt. The availability of credit has become easier in recent years, through credit cards and telephone/internet loans. This has made it easier to accumulate debt, and many people turn to debt consolidation or debt management services in order to find their way out of difficulty.

Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.

However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.

If you do understand the process of midlife transition, it can make it easier (though still not easy) to navigate your way through it.

If you are finding midlife difficult to deal with, it is worth considering psychotherapy or counselling, as these services can help you steer your way through difficult midlife circumstances without going off the rails.

Hmmm, the thinking man's struggle indeed - come and join me - struggle leads to strength.

Acceptance v accomplishment

On Tuesday I was discussing with a small group of friends the stages of our life when either acceptance or accomplishment is more important to us. So, for instance, the first year of life we need acceptance - that our needs be met: food, physical care and love. In the toddler years the instinct to investigate and explore is amazing! The teenage years when puberty hits and we need to know we are loved despite acne, greasy hair and the lack social skills!

And what of later life - we figured the need for acceptance never goes away, but there are periods when we are focused more on what we can accomplish in life. What drives that focus is another matter and could be healthy or otherwise.

We wondered what we might look back on and regret if and when we reach the retirement years?

I named a number of regrets in my Boys2men post below. You?

Ask and it shall be given....

Do you remember John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" I read it when married. Indeed my wife liked it so much that the follow up seemed a dead cert for a Christmas present: "How to get what you want and want what you get". Sadly times were more rocky by then. I bought it for her and she didn't want it! Humble pie for me in Waterstones....

I also love the line from U2 - " I gave her everything she wanted, it wasn't what she wanted"

Did you see the film "What women want"? Mel Gibson plays an overbearing, arrogant a*#%hole who appears to be Mr Perfect, but actually - by some bizarre twist in the plot (I use the term loosely) - can read womens minds?

Which leads me to neatly (!!!!!!) on to:

A thought about prayer from an American confederate soldier:

I asked for strength, that I might achieve

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy

I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for – but everything I had hoped for.

• What do you ask for?
• What do you hope for?
• What do you want?
• What do you need?

Boys2men

I was asked to respond to the following question early this year for a gathering of young males:

"What do you know now that you wish you had known when you were 18?"

Here are my thoughts, as passed on for their benefit:

Conversationally: sounds like a good session

Financially: the weekly lottery numbers!

Theoretically: that I would change the world (even my little bit)

Cerebrally: everything I didn't know

Circumstantially: that I was going to blog with you - I would have been so excited and so looking forward to it!

Romantically: what to say to the girl I really liked then

Lustfully: I haven't lost my eye sight but have had a bit of RSI (in the past obviously!)

Theologically: homoousius

Physiologically: to eat less pies

Helpfully: to tell Big Jon to do the same

Belatedly: In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ. [Colossians 2:11] Ouch! (not really!)

Psychologically: how insecure I was following my early years and adoption

Statistically: that I was birthed not aborted, and to value every day, as I now do since I realised that

Historically: who my parents were - don't take for granted what a blessing that is - for those who don't know.

Categorically: that I would marry a Christian girl who would later decide marriage wasn't for her and walk away

Consequentially: even more insecure

Eternally: still thinking about it

Intrinsically: the tension between being being 'alive' and 'dead' simultaneously (read the book!)

Repeatedly: how Romans 7 rings so true - all things I want to do...all the things I don't want to do.....

Sadly: the profound truths of the parable of the sower and those that are no longer walking in Christ - perhaps I could have done more?

Spiritually: amazing grace

Certainly: that Jesus really is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Athletically: to win the prize.

Influentially: that God really would use me to affect Kingdom change in a church, community, Town Centre, Borough, City

Developmentally: that God has been preparing me in the first half of my life what he will do in the second half.

Actually... I knew next to nothing, compared to the nearly next to nothing that I now know that I don't know, you know?

Briefly: this is all I've go time for.

Lovingly: I hope this helps my younger brothers.

"Wipe that smile off your face"

Do you know Billy Connelly's routine (I think it's the Billy and Albert show) where he jokes about similar sayings. Here's one I hear often - "what are you looking at me like that for?" It is one of those conundrums that is impossible to answer. Would you have any idea of the expression you were displaying at the moment this question was asked?!

On Friday I found myself in trouble. Accused of demeaning others (and myself) over emails I had written, quote: "hectoring .. a colleague with three e-mails within a couple of minutes on the same subject" and chastised for the perception in one exchange of the "petulant tone it strikes" and (allegedly) considering myself "more important than their work load or feelings"

I had originally thought of ignoring a suggestion that "if you have any other request can you please list on one email". I'll just say "No", was the second option, but decided that my colleague deserved the courtesy of an explanation, and I illustrated how at three Blue Chips where I have worked this was best practice. So, I laid out my reasons, and preference, for separate emails on individual issues (they weren't all the same subject):

• I would end up with 100's of emails all called "such and such project"
• It is therefore very difficult to monitor progress
• Finding items now, and especially later, is very time consuming
• Thus filing is tricky (electronic folders mainly)
• Where others are involved (professional consultants / contractors etc) we may inadvertently send information to them that is inappropriate or indeed confidential

Now, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with my methods, I felt devastated that anyone had received bad vibes in an email from me, because that was the last thing intended. I was upset all day.

I have reflected on this for a few days before blogging and I still cannot get around the fact that the 'voice' that speaks in the mind of an email recipient can use any tone, inflection or emphasis and never come anywhere close to the sentiments of the writer.

I feel I am on a hiding to nothing if assumptions are made of me and something I write in an email that just do not exist. Thoughts - can someboby help me out?

[Note for music anoraks - "Someboby help me out" Beggar and Co, circa 1980]

Cup of coffee?

On the first day of class, a university professor stood in front of his philosophy class with an empty jar.

Without saying a word to his students, he removed the lid of the jar and filled it with golf balls. When no more golf bars fit he closed the jar with its lid. He then asked his class, “Would you say that the jar is now full?” His students observed the jar and concluded that the jar was indeed full.

The professor then proceeded to open the jar up and started inserting marbles into the jar. The marbles started to fill the gaps between the golf balls. After sealing the jar, he asked his class once again if they thought the jar was now full. The class concluded that the jar was indeed now full.

The professor opened the jar a third time and started pouring in sand. Obviously, the sand started filling the gaps between the golf balls and the marbles. He then sealed the jar and asked his class a third time if the jar was full. His class chuckled and replied in unison, “Yes, it is now full!”

The professor opened the jar and emptied to small cups of coffee in the jar. The liquid had completely filled the gap between the golf balls, the marbles, and the grains of sand. He then began his lecture.

“I hope you realise that life is very much like this jar. The golf balls represent the important things in life, like God, family, loved ones, health, things that you care intimately about. If we lost everything else in life, our lives would still be ‘full’. The marbles are the other things in our lives that are important, but our happiness shouldn’t depend on them. Things like our work, our house, our car, etc. Finally, the sand represents everything else; the small stuff.

“If we were to have filled our jar up with sand first, there we wouldn’t have had enough room for the marbles or the golf balls. If we use all our life and energy on the small stuff, we won’t have any room for the important things.”

After a brief moment of silence one of the students asked, “Professor, what does the coffee represent?”

“Ah, I’m glad you asked,” replied the professor. “It means that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.”

Thanks Marcelo - looking forward to our coffee this afternoon....