Taboo Rage

Been pondering this post for a couple of weeks. Haven't really got my thinking clear on it, but I figured I should type away and see what flows, so please forgive me for being hazy or inarticulate....

Anger. Rage. Spot the difference:

Rage (emotion), an extreme, energized usually explosive state of anger;

You won't know that there are times when I go from 0-60 on the rage scale for no apparent reason ... yet there must be a reason?

I have come to think of my mum's temper as volcanic - it wasn't if she would explode, but when. I realised recently that there are times when my outbursts are mirror images of her - how does that work?

I tried to check that out... it seems that maybe it is not that I replicate my mother, or have learnt that is the way to do anger (though there is something in that), but that the balance of parenting and interaction between them has influenced me. What does that mean?

Well, I think that a dominant maternal figure (wearing the trousers!) left me, the boy-child, confused about roles. I certainly felt without protection when I needed it - injustices with minor pecadillos causing a massive response from my mum, with inevitable punishment disproportionate to the apparent offence - this would include verbal and physical abuse, but also psychological torment too. The "wait 'til your father gets home" scenario hung over us, though actually offered hope because I think my sister and I both saw dad as the more reasonable and objective, however he tended to side with mum, probably to avoid bearing the brunt himself, though I guess (as I write) he may have felt that he was being a supportive husband? Nonetheless I wonder what I harbour towards my parents for being so overbearing, to put it mildly.

So, it occurred to me how much anger / rage around our children is such a taboo subject. They often tend to be around when we blow.

The problem is with us, the adult, and the unmet need that vents at times of stress, tiredness, loneliness. I have been in conversations about this lately. It has felt hugely risky to raise it, but it is reassuring that others have, or have had, similar struggles. My observation is the extent to which these issues literally remain behind closed doors.

The scary thing for me is that Ned is usually the one around when I blow. I have been working on some 'tools' that will help me to recognise the feelings as they rise and then to find an appropriate and healthy way to soothe them. And it is helpful for me to share this stuff - it helps me to acknowledge it and own the fact, and to determine to continue to work it out.

I asked him a week ago on Sunday night (when we were having one of our late night chats - we often do level 5 when one or both of us can't sleep): "Is there anything I do that upsets you, Ned?"

He thought for a few seconds and mentioned an evening a fortnight before that when we had a choice of things we could do and, in this particular moment, I hadn't appreciated his preference and been grumpy about it!!

I realised that 'grumpy' was rage on my inside, but I had at least kept a lid on it at the time, but he still noticed and remembered.

It was a cool moment as we talked and resolved that flashpoint and how we might do stuff together differently - we have had some fun times since deciding together what we do and when, which mostly means I play what he wants to, but the process of compromise is good for both of us I think! :o)

Do you experience rage?
Do you have a friend/someone you could share with?
Where can you find support to explore the underlying feelings?
Would it help to leave an anonymous post?
Can you give me any advice?!!

Thanks for listening xx