Had a very strange experience Saturday night. I stirred about two o'clock and remained in a semi-conscious state for well over an hour, being aware of the clock every now and then.
In that time I tossed and turned in bed as my life ran through my mind like an edited movie / documentary. I realised that I was scanning - the search criteria was to find people with whom I could recall an intimate, loving, secure relationship. The answer: none found.
I was tempted to call it a nightmare however those always have a sense of unreality about them. This seemed factual - real and disturbing.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
God help me
Heard it said today, "God helps those who help themselves".
I don't agree.
So, my prayer for today is for:
I don't agree.
So, my prayer for today is for:
Those kidnapped into the sex traffic industry.
Every villager whose home has been destroyed by war or natural disaster.
Women raped by occupying forces.
Prisoners tortured for political aims.
The silent voice of abused children.
Parents who cannot feed their sons and daughters.
Orphans of HIV.
Mothers-to-be who had a miscarriage this week.
Workers exploited by their employers.
Those enslaved by addiction.
Me to get off my backside and make a difference…somehow.
God help me to help those who can't help themselves.
Amen.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Glass-half-full guy today
Hi y'all
Hope you're having a good week. Pleased to be back to regular blogging, if not frequent!
Still thinking about 'peripheral' - see blog 6/2/07.
I am wondering how far being on the periphery is a personal decision for an adult? For me? Is feeling peripheral a glass-half-empty-response on my part? One that fails to be proactive, take initiative, and find a place of acceptance, even if that is only with myself?
Maybe that has come about without my realising it. Perhaps the view from the boundary is all I've known and I therefore don't step onto the pitch. But, I'm getting bored watching the game. Want to be fully involved.
Anyway, I have choice, right? Choice to change. Affect change. Set the course of direction. Determine the pace. Select my outfit for the journey even!
Talking of which, I am going to the North East this evening, (via Oxford to drop Ned at his mum's!) for a conference Friday / Saturday in a large church , related to my Psychotherapy training. Looking forward to what God is going to do for the church, for me, and the benefit to my training.
Staying with good friends in Yarm for the weekend so will have a lot of fun, bar the driving, though will have some grooves and soulful melodies to accompany me! Long run in my new car too.
So, feeling like I'm a glass-half-full guy today. This week. Taking control. Making positive choices. Taking risks. Speaking up. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Feels good...if not a tad scary!
Hope you're having a good week. Pleased to be back to regular blogging, if not frequent!
Still thinking about 'peripheral' - see blog 6/2/07.
I am wondering how far being on the periphery is a personal decision for an adult? For me? Is feeling peripheral a glass-half-empty-response on my part? One that fails to be proactive, take initiative, and find a place of acceptance, even if that is only with myself?
Maybe that has come about without my realising it. Perhaps the view from the boundary is all I've known and I therefore don't step onto the pitch. But, I'm getting bored watching the game. Want to be fully involved.
Anyway, I have choice, right? Choice to change. Affect change. Set the course of direction. Determine the pace. Select my outfit for the journey even!
Talking of which, I am going to the North East this evening, (via Oxford to drop Ned at his mum's!) for a conference Friday / Saturday in a large church , related to my Psychotherapy training. Looking forward to what God is going to do for the church, for me, and the benefit to my training.
Staying with good friends in Yarm for the weekend so will have a lot of fun, bar the driving, though will have some grooves and soulful melodies to accompany me! Long run in my new car too.
So, feeling like I'm a glass-half-full guy today. This week. Taking control. Making positive choices. Taking risks. Speaking up. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Feels good...if not a tad scary!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Stories: You don't know you are born
My colleague was telling me today about the above ITV show today shown recently. Celebrities uncover their family's heritage and reveal the social history of the time as they explore the road they might have travelled themselves if their lives hadn't taken them into the world of show business.
Ray, who is nearing retirement after years of dedicated service to the YMCA, related the episode with Ken Stott (I think?) who pushed a plough around a field as his grandfather would have done day after day to earn a crust.
We related stories of our own grandparents and how the young people we serve in hostels have such different expectations of work today. I can't help thinking of the Monty Python sketch - "I got up this morning, before I went to bed... licked road clean...etc !!!
I do feel humbled that we do not really appreciate how generations before us have had to strive and struggle to exist, probably dying younger too.
My maternal grandparents, who have been dead 11 or more years, were entrepreneurs and grew from a corner shop to become the national mail order seed merchant Marshall's, eventually sold to a much larger firm. My auntie was pictured pushing a wheel barrow on the front cover of the seed packages.
Nan was a single parent for a few years when her husband, Moat, died suddenly. Their daughter was 12 or 13, but it didn't stop her adopting a baby girl as they had planned to do together. During the war she drove trains in Norfolk, to move essential goods around. She had plenty of tales of toil to meet deadlines and all the other problems of trying to run a small business. I used to listen to her for hours. She remembered the announcement of the first world war on the radio. I recall laughing how in Bungay, Suffolk, where she grew up, she would have to run errands to take messages for her mother because there weren't telephones (let alone mobiles!). So different to today.
Ethel was a great woman. Strong in heart and mind until the end, though her body lost to cancer, and her daughter had cut herself off from her for the remaining six years of her life, together with her other grandson. During that period she also nursed her husband with Alzeihmer's. Alone.
I miss my Nan and know she would have loved to see me now and to know her great-grandson.
I was the last to see her alive in hospital and it was a privilege to talk to her in her coma, say how I felt, pray over her, read her (trashy romantic) library book to her and share a joke about why on earth she was in to that stuff?!
I look forward to an answer when we next meet....
Ray, who is nearing retirement after years of dedicated service to the YMCA, related the episode with Ken Stott (I think?) who pushed a plough around a field as his grandfather would have done day after day to earn a crust.
We related stories of our own grandparents and how the young people we serve in hostels have such different expectations of work today. I can't help thinking of the Monty Python sketch - "I got up this morning, before I went to bed... licked road clean...etc !!!
I do feel humbled that we do not really appreciate how generations before us have had to strive and struggle to exist, probably dying younger too.
My maternal grandparents, who have been dead 11 or more years, were entrepreneurs and grew from a corner shop to become the national mail order seed merchant Marshall's, eventually sold to a much larger firm. My auntie was pictured pushing a wheel barrow on the front cover of the seed packages.
Nan was a single parent for a few years when her husband, Moat, died suddenly. Their daughter was 12 or 13, but it didn't stop her adopting a baby girl as they had planned to do together. During the war she drove trains in Norfolk, to move essential goods around. She had plenty of tales of toil to meet deadlines and all the other problems of trying to run a small business. I used to listen to her for hours. She remembered the announcement of the first world war on the radio. I recall laughing how in Bungay, Suffolk, where she grew up, she would have to run errands to take messages for her mother because there weren't telephones (let alone mobiles!). So different to today.
Ethel was a great woman. Strong in heart and mind until the end, though her body lost to cancer, and her daughter had cut herself off from her for the remaining six years of her life, together with her other grandson. During that period she also nursed her husband with Alzeihmer's. Alone.
I miss my Nan and know she would have loved to see me now and to know her great-grandson.
I was the last to see her alive in hospital and it was a privilege to talk to her in her coma, say how I felt, pray over her, read her (trashy romantic) library book to her and share a joke about why on earth she was in to that stuff?!
I look forward to an answer when we next meet....
Stories of who we are
Have snatched this from Pip (pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com) as I love it in the light of my blog below.
"Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories in all their particularity . . . that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally.”
Frederick Buechner (Telling Secrets, 1991)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Disappointments
Been having some deep, deep feelings lately about disappointments in my life. Some of them recent, some from years ago, some (I think) from before I can actually remember. Unlocking them is painful.
Counselling is often (for me) about taking me to where I least want to go, because it can be so painful to take the lid off the can. But... no pain, no gain - so true.
I am trying not to stay on the periphery of my feelings but stay with them and understand them. I am grateful for those who help me in the process, and on the journey, although it can feel like, at best, I am squirming on the end of a hook or, at worst, being machine gunned!
I have been introduced to the thought that we should grieve for that which has disappointed us in life. Some of this is obvious, like the hurt and unfulfilled expectations of a broken relationship / marriage. Other areas are less obvious....
I don't think this means moping around feeling sorry for ourselves, or inventing disappointments when, as we well know, shit happens, but it is, I believe, helpful to acknowledge and understand feelings rather than let them fester and become 'cancerous' and eat away at us. To coin another phrase: better out than in!
I hope you have good friends. People you can really be honest with and share your deepest stuff. Friends that will listen and not try to answer lifes riddles for you, but just be with you and love you.
I have some and I feel so blessed not to be on the journey alone x
Counselling is often (for me) about taking me to where I least want to go, because it can be so painful to take the lid off the can. But... no pain, no gain - so true.
I am trying not to stay on the periphery of my feelings but stay with them and understand them. I am grateful for those who help me in the process, and on the journey, although it can feel like, at best, I am squirming on the end of a hook or, at worst, being machine gunned!
I have been introduced to the thought that we should grieve for that which has disappointed us in life. Some of this is obvious, like the hurt and unfulfilled expectations of a broken relationship / marriage. Other areas are less obvious....
I don't think this means moping around feeling sorry for ourselves, or inventing disappointments when, as we well know, shit happens, but it is, I believe, helpful to acknowledge and understand feelings rather than let them fester and become 'cancerous' and eat away at us. To coin another phrase: better out than in!
I hope you have good friends. People you can really be honest with and share your deepest stuff. Friends that will listen and not try to answer lifes riddles for you, but just be with you and love you.
I have some and I feel so blessed not to be on the journey alone x
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Peripheral
Do you ever feel, like me, peripheral?
Meaning:
[1] relating to or situated on the periphery, i.e. the edge or boundary. [2] of secondary importance; marginal, of minor relevance. Concerned with the relatively minor, irrelevant, or superficial aspects of the subject in question.
The subject in question might be family, or relationships generally? May be common to those adopted? Or perhaps you feel peripheral in other ways?
Even if I feel that.... is it true? Am I of secondary importance? Of minor relevance or even irrelevant?
No. It's a lie.
It may be the way I have grown up thinking like this, even if in tiny, subtle ways.
Do like me - make a list and note down when it sometimes feels like it's true, and the other times when clearly it is not. Does the list balance? What can you discern? I found that sometimes I may feel like that, but it doesn't mean I am.
Sounds like the bleeding obvious eh? Not for everyone!!!
Meaning:
[1] relating to or situated on the periphery, i.e. the edge or boundary. [2] of secondary importance; marginal, of minor relevance. Concerned with the relatively minor, irrelevant, or superficial aspects of the subject in question.
The subject in question might be family, or relationships generally? May be common to those adopted? Or perhaps you feel peripheral in other ways?
Even if I feel that.... is it true? Am I of secondary importance? Of minor relevance or even irrelevant?
No. It's a lie.
It may be the way I have grown up thinking like this, even if in tiny, subtle ways.
Do like me - make a list and note down when it sometimes feels like it's true, and the other times when clearly it is not. Does the list balance? What can you discern? I found that sometimes I may feel like that, but it doesn't mean I am.
Sounds like the bleeding obvious eh? Not for everyone!!!
Monday, January 29, 2007
I'm back ....
Oh, it's a mad mad mad mad world. Feeling invigorated today. Happy New Year!
Had a fab weekend partying at the joint 40th birthday do of my most excellent friends Ian & Amanda out in the wilds of Wiltshire. Caught up with guys I hadn't seen for years and met some lovely people too.
Picked up a new, second hand car on Friday and enjoyed driving it. It's got all the wing mirrors, no dents, doesn't appear to leak and all the doors open (and lock!) as they should. Welcome Freddie Focus to the family. Still Ned and I did rue the demise of Larry Laguna who has served us faithfully for 10 years and 80,000 miles. Ned particularly was genuinely grieving the change, being the only car we have had in his lifetime - many happy memories, and some throwing up on long journeys!
So... where have I been for 9 weeks? Well, most of December Ned and I were in New Zealand visiting friends and exploring the North Island - what a beautiful place. Flew into Auckland on 12th then off on a whirlwind adventure: Hahei, Coromandel Peninsular, Rotorua, Taupo, Turangi, back to Auckland for Christmas, then to Russell in the Bay of Islands.
We fished on Lake Rotorua and the Pacific, quad-biked on a mountain, rafted on the Tongariro River, walked to the Huka Falls, swam in thermal pools, built huge sandcastles on white sandy beaches, snorkeled and swam in the ocean, kayaked in the Bay of Plenty, enjoyed Maori experiences, basked in glorious sunshine but also were soaked by driving rain. All good! NZ does resemble all the good of Middle Earth in LOTR and even the worst of Mordor with the volcanic impact in certain spots - beautiful. I cannot recall when we were unable to see a mountain. We met some old friends from the UK and made some new ones. Thanks to Chris & Annie, Mike & Kirsti for their hospitality.
The same applied to our stop over on the way in Singapore - thanks to Jan & Caroline - who showed us around: dragon boat racing, cable cars, beaches, foot massage, local cuisine, downhill luge at Sentosa. Marvellous. We also attended the British Cubs' Football Section Christmas Party with traditional British fare - curry! - and, while waiting to eat, felt a tap on the shoulder and was greeted by old friends - fab surprise - lovely to see Andy & Jayne.
So, life feels good today. Not without it's ups and downs however, some of which I will share in the days ahead. Hope you are surviving and thriving. Thanks for reading x
Had a fab weekend partying at the joint 40th birthday do of my most excellent friends Ian & Amanda out in the wilds of Wiltshire. Caught up with guys I hadn't seen for years and met some lovely people too.
Picked up a new, second hand car on Friday and enjoyed driving it. It's got all the wing mirrors, no dents, doesn't appear to leak and all the doors open (and lock!) as they should. Welcome Freddie Focus to the family. Still Ned and I did rue the demise of Larry Laguna who has served us faithfully for 10 years and 80,000 miles. Ned particularly was genuinely grieving the change, being the only car we have had in his lifetime - many happy memories, and some throwing up on long journeys!
So... where have I been for 9 weeks? Well, most of December Ned and I were in New Zealand visiting friends and exploring the North Island - what a beautiful place. Flew into Auckland on 12th then off on a whirlwind adventure: Hahei, Coromandel Peninsular, Rotorua, Taupo, Turangi, back to Auckland for Christmas, then to Russell in the Bay of Islands.
We fished on Lake Rotorua and the Pacific, quad-biked on a mountain, rafted on the Tongariro River, walked to the Huka Falls, swam in thermal pools, built huge sandcastles on white sandy beaches, snorkeled and swam in the ocean, kayaked in the Bay of Plenty, enjoyed Maori experiences, basked in glorious sunshine but also were soaked by driving rain. All good! NZ does resemble all the good of Middle Earth in LOTR and even the worst of Mordor with the volcanic impact in certain spots - beautiful. I cannot recall when we were unable to see a mountain. We met some old friends from the UK and made some new ones. Thanks to Chris & Annie, Mike & Kirsti for their hospitality.
The same applied to our stop over on the way in Singapore - thanks to Jan & Caroline - who showed us around: dragon boat racing, cable cars, beaches, foot massage, local cuisine, downhill luge at Sentosa. Marvellous. We also attended the British Cubs' Football Section Christmas Party with traditional British fare - curry! - and, while waiting to eat, felt a tap on the shoulder and was greeted by old friends - fab surprise - lovely to see Andy & Jayne.
So, life feels good today. Not without it's ups and downs however, some of which I will share in the days ahead. Hope you are surviving and thriving. Thanks for reading x
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Stepping up, stepping down
Hi Guys
Been really busy. Work and play. Scored a cracking header last Friday night to win the game. Leapt, on the turn, twisted headed down, sending the keeper the wrong way to tuck the ball into the corner. Not bad as it was a 5-a-side goal!
Was running a team of guys providing refreshments for 285 women at a conference on Saturday - lots of fun. Great team so everything ran really smoothly. Long day though, 7.30 to about 5.30.
I was DJ at my friends wedding a few weeks back and they popped in on Tuesday with a present. I thought it would be a CD or something but they bought me a dress watch! I was quite oversome with their generosity. I did however change it yesterday to something more appropriate for everyday wear. So I now have a watch I rally like but couldn't have afforded myself. Haven't worn one for 7/8 years since the last one broke. Oh, it's 9.35 !!!
Dinner with friends on Saturday evening (great curry L) and a family on Sunday at a fav restaurant in Ealing: prawns, ribs, skins, nachos, wings, Peroni, hmmmmm...
Have resigned from a Trust with which I've been involved for four years. I feel drawn in another direction and convinced that I have been doing too many things and not being fully effective in any of them.
It has been both difficult and exciting for me over the years to help get something started (in various ways with different ventures) as I still find it hard to step away, however the work has usually benefited from my absence by going on to greater things! Strange that I should find this so hard with stuff I am involved in 'privately' when this is so much a part of my professional role?
However, the Board has asked me to continue to as a mentor to one of the key staff so I am delighted about that. They met last night - it was odd not to be there - felt like I was bunking off!!
Getting on really well with Ned right now. He asked to share something with me recently and the way he sat me down on the sofa was brilliant! Level 5 ensued and he ended by thanking me for my advice. I stated (for the record) that I might not always be able to give advice, as I might not know what to do, but would always be there to listen and support him. I loved the moment. I love being a dad.
He will be at Buckingham Palace tomorrow with his mum who is receiving a medal for services to our Government and country. I hope they have a great day.
So, a bunch of random thoughts. Gonna try 5 words now to describe how I am feeling:
Weary
Eager
Light headed
Apprehensive
Hopeful
Have an afternoons training today as I continue my Certificate in Communication and Counselling skills - looking forward to it but the course is always challenging and I think we may be looking at my journal which I submitted last time. Gulp! "What's mine is yours, still want to know me?"
"Oh thou who lovest me, set love in order in my life" Augustine. TTFN xx
Been really busy. Work and play. Scored a cracking header last Friday night to win the game. Leapt, on the turn, twisted headed down, sending the keeper the wrong way to tuck the ball into the corner. Not bad as it was a 5-a-side goal!
Was running a team of guys providing refreshments for 285 women at a conference on Saturday - lots of fun. Great team so everything ran really smoothly. Long day though, 7.30 to about 5.30.
I was DJ at my friends wedding a few weeks back and they popped in on Tuesday with a present. I thought it would be a CD or something but they bought me a dress watch! I was quite oversome with their generosity. I did however change it yesterday to something more appropriate for everyday wear. So I now have a watch I rally like but couldn't have afforded myself. Haven't worn one for 7/8 years since the last one broke. Oh, it's 9.35 !!!
Dinner with friends on Saturday evening (great curry L) and a family on Sunday at a fav restaurant in Ealing: prawns, ribs, skins, nachos, wings, Peroni, hmmmmm...
Have resigned from a Trust with which I've been involved for four years. I feel drawn in another direction and convinced that I have been doing too many things and not being fully effective in any of them.
It has been both difficult and exciting for me over the years to help get something started (in various ways with different ventures) as I still find it hard to step away, however the work has usually benefited from my absence by going on to greater things! Strange that I should find this so hard with stuff I am involved in 'privately' when this is so much a part of my professional role?
However, the Board has asked me to continue to as a mentor to one of the key staff so I am delighted about that. They met last night - it was odd not to be there - felt like I was bunking off!!
Getting on really well with Ned right now. He asked to share something with me recently and the way he sat me down on the sofa was brilliant! Level 5 ensued and he ended by thanking me for my advice. I stated (for the record) that I might not always be able to give advice, as I might not know what to do, but would always be there to listen and support him. I loved the moment. I love being a dad.
He will be at Buckingham Palace tomorrow with his mum who is receiving a medal for services to our Government and country. I hope they have a great day.
So, a bunch of random thoughts. Gonna try 5 words now to describe how I am feeling:
Weary
Eager
Light headed
Apprehensive
Hopeful
Have an afternoons training today as I continue my Certificate in Communication and Counselling skills - looking forward to it but the course is always challenging and I think we may be looking at my journal which I submitted last time. Gulp! "What's mine is yours, still want to know me?"
"Oh thou who lovest me, set love in order in my life" Augustine. TTFN xx
Oh my word!
Another football quote: Stuart Pearce, Manager of Man City FC:
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel!"
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel!"
Monday, November 06, 2006
The genius of the TV commentator
Thanks to my good friend Mohamad Al Bazzer for sending these which are mostly concern the noble Olympian sports of Snooker & Darts:
"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."
"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed"
"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"
"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"
"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"
"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"
"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."
"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookies and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."
"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"I've got two words for you - former world champion."
"This is his last Tango in Paris... and now it's goodnight Vienna."
"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."
"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed"
"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"
"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"
"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"
"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"
"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."
"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookies and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."
"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"I've got two words for you - former world champion."
"This is his last Tango in Paris... and now it's goodnight Vienna."
Monday, October 30, 2006
The Yacoubian Building
I went to see this on Saturday with a couple of friends who both had worked in Egypt as tour leaders. The film is based on the controversial bestselling novel by Alaa El-Aswani that features a variety of Egyptian characters who are residents of a downtown Cairo apartment block - lawyer, porter, gay journalist and poorer families who literally live on the roof, etc. The lives of these seemingly disparate group of individuals hurtle towards each other with fateful consequences. Tackling everything from Islamic fundamentalism to homosexuality and corruption, the film was a cause célèbre on its release in Egypt where it proceeded to smash box office records and spark unprecedented debate.
One critic wrote: I do not lie when I say I am still drowning in thoughts about the most beautiful movie I have to date seen. My God. I was emotionally exhausted, beyond impressed, made to laugh, cry, ponder, miss, sympathize, resent, and love.. all within minutes of each other. A slap in the face than a tickle. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic but the impact it has on me is enormous. I am overwhelmed with feelings of appreciation, joy, and respect for such a work and admire the boldness and courage it took to pull all of it together. What an eye opener. The accuracy.. The contrast.. The shocks..
This is a great movie, described very ably above, and wonderfully translated through subtitles for those of us who speak neither Arabic nor Egyptian!
The film was shown as part of the BFI's London Film Festival at the Odeon Leicester Square - this was the debut in the UK with the Director (only 27 years old) and Producer present for an audience Q&A afterwards. See the film if you can.
One critic wrote: I do not lie when I say I am still drowning in thoughts about the most beautiful movie I have to date seen. My God. I was emotionally exhausted, beyond impressed, made to laugh, cry, ponder, miss, sympathize, resent, and love.. all within minutes of each other. A slap in the face than a tickle. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic but the impact it has on me is enormous. I am overwhelmed with feelings of appreciation, joy, and respect for such a work and admire the boldness and courage it took to pull all of it together. What an eye opener. The accuracy.. The contrast.. The shocks..
This is a great movie, described very ably above, and wonderfully translated through subtitles for those of us who speak neither Arabic nor Egyptian!
The film was shown as part of the BFI's London Film Festival at the Odeon Leicester Square - this was the debut in the UK with the Director (only 27 years old) and Producer present for an audience Q&A afterwards. See the film if you can.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Doing the right thing
Was just checking my bank account on-line and a pop up screen asked "Do you like Tony Blair: yes or no? Enter and get a Free* laptop."
Did you notice the fundamental flaw in the last line?
Yes, indeed, it is the asterisk after free - don't believe it!!
I heard Jim Wallis over the Bank Holiday weekend talking at a seminar called "you say tomata, I say tomato" about the 'special relationship'. In fact he spoke more frankly than the answer he had given to a question I raised with him at the Institute of Contemporary Christianity in March. Jim felt that Britain's role in support of the US intentions for Iraq meant that the world perception of the UK is the we are seen as a little tomata - I have to agree.
I heard a speaker recently talking about terrorism for around 45 minutes. I heard him in August as well at two seminars totalling three hours: Major General Tim Cross. Check out his CV online - he is a most distinguished and humble man. His seminars, on the same topic, were the most articulate I have heard on any subject, anytime, anywhere. He was speaking just after the media storm over comments on the Iraq situation made by General Sir Richard Dannatt, the new Chief of the General Staff. Reading reaction to his statement on the military websites, our armed forces seem delighted to be appropriately represented at last, indeed positive comments were posted from around the world to the newspaper websites.
The media is turning its attention to the election of the next US President - we know it won't be Bush. Meanwhile I have a horrible feeling that Blair is not going to do anything significant over Iraq that would undermine his initial decision to support the invasion, but will leave that to his predecessor. We will see.
Hilary Benn was incredible on Radio Four this morning as John Humphries interviewed him from Iraq about the state of that nation. He quite reasonably and frankly gave an honest, real and believable picture of the grim situation, without the glib spin.
Shortly afterwards Canon Andrew White based in Baghdad described how he had just returned from the Pentagon where he was discussing how the key religious / sectarian leaders might be engaged in dialogue - he rightly and bluntly stated that it was years too late for the US to have woken up to that, despite his best efforts at the time.
I spotted this quote today - rings true I think:
We should never have gone in to Iraq in my view. Tim Cross's analogy, incidentally quoted by Max Hastings in the Daily Mail, compares President Bush's recent demand for $50billion of new money for Iraq with 'the addicted Irish gambler who wrote home at the end of another long day at the race course, "Everything going well; send more money".'
How we get out and when, I don't know. With guys like Dannatt, Cross, White and Benn around I have hope that the future may be a bit brighter for all concerned, especially the people of Iraq.
We can only pray.
Did you notice the fundamental flaw in the last line?
Yes, indeed, it is the asterisk after free - don't believe it!!
I heard Jim Wallis over the Bank Holiday weekend talking at a seminar called "you say tomata, I say tomato" about the 'special relationship'. In fact he spoke more frankly than the answer he had given to a question I raised with him at the Institute of Contemporary Christianity in March. Jim felt that Britain's role in support of the US intentions for Iraq meant that the world perception of the UK is the we are seen as a little tomata - I have to agree.
I heard a speaker recently talking about terrorism for around 45 minutes. I heard him in August as well at two seminars totalling three hours: Major General Tim Cross. Check out his CV online - he is a most distinguished and humble man. His seminars, on the same topic, were the most articulate I have heard on any subject, anytime, anywhere. He was speaking just after the media storm over comments on the Iraq situation made by General Sir Richard Dannatt, the new Chief of the General Staff. Reading reaction to his statement on the military websites, our armed forces seem delighted to be appropriately represented at last, indeed positive comments were posted from around the world to the newspaper websites.
The media is turning its attention to the election of the next US President - we know it won't be Bush. Meanwhile I have a horrible feeling that Blair is not going to do anything significant over Iraq that would undermine his initial decision to support the invasion, but will leave that to his predecessor. We will see.
Hilary Benn was incredible on Radio Four this morning as John Humphries interviewed him from Iraq about the state of that nation. He quite reasonably and frankly gave an honest, real and believable picture of the grim situation, without the glib spin.
Shortly afterwards Canon Andrew White based in Baghdad described how he had just returned from the Pentagon where he was discussing how the key religious / sectarian leaders might be engaged in dialogue - he rightly and bluntly stated that it was years too late for the US to have woken up to that, despite his best efforts at the time.
I spotted this quote today - rings true I think:
Politics is a jungle: torn between doing the right thing and staying in office. John F. Kennedy
We should never have gone in to Iraq in my view. Tim Cross's analogy, incidentally quoted by Max Hastings in the Daily Mail, compares President Bush's recent demand for $50billion of new money for Iraq with 'the addicted Irish gambler who wrote home at the end of another long day at the race course, "Everything going well; send more money".'
How we get out and when, I don't know. With guys like Dannatt, Cross, White and Benn around I have hope that the future may be a bit brighter for all concerned, especially the people of Iraq.
We can only pray.
Freedom...
Saw this quote from a movie (Ali*brandi) - don't know the context but liked it:
If I could be anything but what I am, I would be tomorrow.
If I could be what my father wants me to be, then maybe I could stay for that, too. If I could be what you want me to be, I'd want to stay. But I am what I am, and all I want is freedom.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Offensive prayer
Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people.
When Rev Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:
The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.
When Rev Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:
"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.
We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.
We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbour's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"
The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
No pain, no gain?
It's two years on (4/10/04) since I wrote this poem to myself:
It's good to look back - I did the same in September when I first began to blog - you can check that out in the archives - and know how far I have travelled :o)
The line about pain has come up in conversation often - "Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?"
Sometimes we feel pain acutely (whether it be physical, emotional or psychological) and other times we are anaesthetised to our own pain - we erect barriers or develop techniques to ignore it.
For instance, once in a while I feel terribly ill with headache /stomach ache and realise that I have been working and playing too hard without sufficient rest. I am forced to bed because I feel so awful.
But in recent times, as I travel back and forth through my history, I realise that issues have lain dormant within the foundations of my soul. Mining those brings new experiences of pain, but also of release and healing. No pain, no gain - you bet!
I believe that times of evaluation and questioning (such as mid-life crisis, significant birthdays / events etc) are when we consider our lives to date and know we want the next half, or 5 / 10 / 20 years to be different... better? I hope to encourage you and others to seize moments of revelation, when they trot by, to look at your 'stuff'.
The choice comes when we (you!) have to work out what to do next to effect change?
"And who will journey with me? No one, of course."
That's not to say that others won't be supportive, but there isn't another person that can travel my road (like we could hire someone to do it for us!) only I can. That journey is distinctly and uniquely mine. Only I can refine gold from the rockiness of my past and discover the 'me' that was meant to be.
"You don't know me
And I don't expect you to.
I hardly know myself
And what I see is little understood.
I realise the Mountain I have to climb
To lose my shackles,
And I'm scared.
Beating the retreat.
Wanting out of this trench,
A lift again out of the pit,
The mire,
Because I'm sinking.
I feel isolated and exposed.
Willing, yet unable to be vulnerable.
Lost in a fog of truth, truly,
As I perceive and deceive in turn.
To my shame
Pretense consoles only momentarily,
Before loathing ushers in.
Who am I kidding? Yeah, me.
Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?
Desperate and afraid,
I grope for freedom,
And the whole of the Moon.
Dare I unfold and to whom,
When I can barely cope as it is?
And who will journey with me?
No one, of course.
Mine is the distinction.
Mine is the depths from which to rise.
Mine is the seam of gold.
What’s mine is yours – still want to know me?"
It's good to look back - I did the same in September when I first began to blog - you can check that out in the archives - and know how far I have travelled :o)
The line about pain has come up in conversation often - "Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?"
Sometimes we feel pain acutely (whether it be physical, emotional or psychological) and other times we are anaesthetised to our own pain - we erect barriers or develop techniques to ignore it.
For instance, once in a while I feel terribly ill with headache /stomach ache and realise that I have been working and playing too hard without sufficient rest. I am forced to bed because I feel so awful.
But in recent times, as I travel back and forth through my history, I realise that issues have lain dormant within the foundations of my soul. Mining those brings new experiences of pain, but also of release and healing. No pain, no gain - you bet!
I believe that times of evaluation and questioning (such as mid-life crisis, significant birthdays / events etc) are when we consider our lives to date and know we want the next half, or 5 / 10 / 20 years to be different... better? I hope to encourage you and others to seize moments of revelation, when they trot by, to look at your 'stuff'.
The choice comes when we (you!) have to work out what to do next to effect change?
"And who will journey with me? No one, of course."
That's not to say that others won't be supportive, but there isn't another person that can travel my road (like we could hire someone to do it for us!) only I can. That journey is distinctly and uniquely mine. Only I can refine gold from the rockiness of my past and discover the 'me' that was meant to be.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Taboo Rage
Been pondering this post for a couple of weeks. Haven't really got my thinking clear on it, but I figured I should type away and see what flows, so please forgive me for being hazy or inarticulate....
Anger. Rage. Spot the difference:
Rage (emotion), an extreme, energized usually explosive state of anger;
You won't know that there are times when I go from 0-60 on the rage scale for no apparent reason ... yet there must be a reason?
I have come to think of my mum's temper as volcanic - it wasn't if she would explode, but when. I realised recently that there are times when my outbursts are mirror images of her - how does that work?
I tried to check that out... it seems that maybe it is not that I replicate my mother, or have learnt that is the way to do anger (though there is something in that), but that the balance of parenting and interaction between them has influenced me. What does that mean?
Well, I think that a dominant maternal figure (wearing the trousers!) left me, the boy-child, confused about roles. I certainly felt without protection when I needed it - injustices with minor pecadillos causing a massive response from my mum, with inevitable punishment disproportionate to the apparent offence - this would include verbal and physical abuse, but also psychological torment too. The "wait 'til your father gets home" scenario hung over us, though actually offered hope because I think my sister and I both saw dad as the more reasonable and objective, however he tended to side with mum, probably to avoid bearing the brunt himself, though I guess (as I write) he may have felt that he was being a supportive husband? Nonetheless I wonder what I harbour towards my parents for being so overbearing, to put it mildly.
So, it occurred to me how much anger / rage around our children is such a taboo subject. They often tend to be around when we blow.
The problem is with us, the adult, and the unmet need that vents at times of stress, tiredness, loneliness. I have been in conversations about this lately. It has felt hugely risky to raise it, but it is reassuring that others have, or have had, similar struggles. My observation is the extent to which these issues literally remain behind closed doors.
The scary thing for me is that Ned is usually the one around when I blow. I have been working on some 'tools' that will help me to recognise the feelings as they rise and then to find an appropriate and healthy way to soothe them. And it is helpful for me to share this stuff - it helps me to acknowledge it and own the fact, and to determine to continue to work it out.
I asked him a week ago on Sunday night (when we were having one of our late night chats - we often do level 5 when one or both of us can't sleep): "Is there anything I do that upsets you, Ned?"
He thought for a few seconds and mentioned an evening a fortnight before that when we had a choice of things we could do and, in this particular moment, I hadn't appreciated his preference and been grumpy about it!!
I realised that 'grumpy' was rage on my inside, but I had at least kept a lid on it at the time, but he still noticed and remembered.
It was a cool moment as we talked and resolved that flashpoint and how we might do stuff together differently - we have had some fun times since deciding together what we do and when, which mostly means I play what he wants to, but the process of compromise is good for both of us I think! :o)
Do you experience rage?
Do you have a friend/someone you could share with?
Where can you find support to explore the underlying feelings?
Would it help to leave an anonymous post?
Can you give me any advice?!!
Thanks for listening xx
Anger. Rage. Spot the difference:
Rage (emotion), an extreme, energized usually explosive state of anger;
You won't know that there are times when I go from 0-60 on the rage scale for no apparent reason ... yet there must be a reason?
I have come to think of my mum's temper as volcanic - it wasn't if she would explode, but when. I realised recently that there are times when my outbursts are mirror images of her - how does that work?
I tried to check that out... it seems that maybe it is not that I replicate my mother, or have learnt that is the way to do anger (though there is something in that), but that the balance of parenting and interaction between them has influenced me. What does that mean?
Well, I think that a dominant maternal figure (wearing the trousers!) left me, the boy-child, confused about roles. I certainly felt without protection when I needed it - injustices with minor pecadillos causing a massive response from my mum, with inevitable punishment disproportionate to the apparent offence - this would include verbal and physical abuse, but also psychological torment too. The "wait 'til your father gets home" scenario hung over us, though actually offered hope because I think my sister and I both saw dad as the more reasonable and objective, however he tended to side with mum, probably to avoid bearing the brunt himself, though I guess (as I write) he may have felt that he was being a supportive husband? Nonetheless I wonder what I harbour towards my parents for being so overbearing, to put it mildly.
So, it occurred to me how much anger / rage around our children is such a taboo subject. They often tend to be around when we blow.
The problem is with us, the adult, and the unmet need that vents at times of stress, tiredness, loneliness. I have been in conversations about this lately. It has felt hugely risky to raise it, but it is reassuring that others have, or have had, similar struggles. My observation is the extent to which these issues literally remain behind closed doors.
The scary thing for me is that Ned is usually the one around when I blow. I have been working on some 'tools' that will help me to recognise the feelings as they rise and then to find an appropriate and healthy way to soothe them. And it is helpful for me to share this stuff - it helps me to acknowledge it and own the fact, and to determine to continue to work it out.
I asked him a week ago on Sunday night (when we were having one of our late night chats - we often do level 5 when one or both of us can't sleep): "Is there anything I do that upsets you, Ned?"
He thought for a few seconds and mentioned an evening a fortnight before that when we had a choice of things we could do and, in this particular moment, I hadn't appreciated his preference and been grumpy about it!!
I realised that 'grumpy' was rage on my inside, but I had at least kept a lid on it at the time, but he still noticed and remembered.
It was a cool moment as we talked and resolved that flashpoint and how we might do stuff together differently - we have had some fun times since deciding together what we do and when, which mostly means I play what he wants to, but the process of compromise is good for both of us I think! :o)
Do you experience rage?
Do you have a friend/someone you could share with?
Where can you find support to explore the underlying feelings?
Would it help to leave an anonymous post?
Can you give me any advice?!!
Thanks for listening xx
Friday, September 22, 2006
Nothing but ...
I love a lot of Woody Allen's movies. Annie Hall is one of my favs and it was making me laugh at the weekend. One bit made me roar anew: he is dating a 17 year old (interesting as it later turned out in reality).
She says to him: Dont you have feelings for me?
Reply: I have nothing but feelings for you.
She says to him: Dont you have feelings for me?
Reply: I have nothing but feelings for you.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Grasping the nettle
Was chatting to a mate on Sunday who chose to report a colleague for alcohol abuse.
The colleague had been part of the relief effort following the Tsunami. On his return he requested counselling from his employer who refused. He was increasingly struggling to come to terms with what he saw in Asia and turned to alcohol as an escape.
This went unnoticed for months as the man was drinking aftershave to cover the smell on his breath (Ed - I had never heard that before and am still slightly stunned)
My mate noticed and chose to jeopordise their relationship by informing a senior who took the matter on. He is now receiving the help he wanted, and is truly grateful that someone stuck their neck out for him to. A member of HR is being disciplined.
Grasping the nettle. Not easy. Risky. But worth it. Well done big man
The colleague had been part of the relief effort following the Tsunami. On his return he requested counselling from his employer who refused. He was increasingly struggling to come to terms with what he saw in Asia and turned to alcohol as an escape.
This went unnoticed for months as the man was drinking aftershave to cover the smell on his breath (Ed - I had never heard that before and am still slightly stunned)
My mate noticed and chose to jeopordise their relationship by informing a senior who took the matter on. He is now receiving the help he wanted, and is truly grateful that someone stuck their neck out for him to. A member of HR is being disciplined.
Grasping the nettle. Not easy. Risky. But worth it. Well done big man
To an adopted child
RECEIVED THIS ON EMAIL THIS WEEK - love that someone took the time to write:
When I listened to your testimony on Father's Day, I was really sad that you felt the way you did because you were adopted. Being adopted myself, I had years of mixed emotions, ranging from absolute bitterness and rage, to the deepest love for my adopted mother and father. It probably helped that I met my birth mother, who turned out to be very shallow and only interested in herself. However, by meeting my birth mother, I realised that my adopted mother was my true mother as she loved me from the moment she set eyes on me.
This poem also helped me in my deepest times of despair, because it is about the deep love that an adopted mother feels for her baby. I hope it brings you the same comfort. Depending on how I am feeling when I read it, it still normally reduces me to tears.
My favourite line is 'you are my heart's adopted part of me'.
To me, that line is so powerful of the love the mother feels towards her baby. That strength of love, is the same love that I felt for my 2 girls when they were born. Anyway, I hope you like it.
When I listened to your testimony on Father's Day, I was really sad that you felt the way you did because you were adopted. Being adopted myself, I had years of mixed emotions, ranging from absolute bitterness and rage, to the deepest love for my adopted mother and father. It probably helped that I met my birth mother, who turned out to be very shallow and only interested in herself. However, by meeting my birth mother, I realised that my adopted mother was my true mother as she loved me from the moment she set eyes on me.
This poem also helped me in my deepest times of despair, because it is about the deep love that an adopted mother feels for her baby. I hope it brings you the same comfort. Depending on how I am feeling when I read it, it still normally reduces me to tears.
'To an adopted child'
Dear, do not weep. By every act of mine
I am your mother...by my sleeples nights,
By every step in the long days's design
That I have taken, by the sweet delights
Of your blessed companionship, by the clear gaze,
By all my care in your begining days,
Your warm, soft body held against my breast
Warmed me and dried my disappointed tears,
You made a real home of our lonely nest.
Now we look forward to the fruitful years
With you beside us bearing in your hands
The love that every mother heart demands.
I am your mother, though you may not be
Flesh of my flesh. Our love goes deeper still.
You are my heart's adopted part of me.
I am your mother by the power of will.
Because I did not want to walk alone......
From the whole world, I chose you for my own.
Anne Campbell - author
My favourite line is 'you are my heart's adopted part of me'.
To me, that line is so powerful of the love the mother feels towards her baby. That strength of love, is the same love that I felt for my 2 girls when they were born. Anyway, I hope you like it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
