"Are you feeling ..... punk?"

Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on. Tragedy.

Have you ever met a survivor? Of a war? Of genocide? Sexual abuse? BIG STUFF?

Of physical or verbal abuse? Of a broken home? Of a broken heart? Of tragedy?

Have you ever heard a story that left you unmoved? Or maybe only temporarily affected before you're thinking... "yeah, whatever. Get over it." ??

I am wondering about how in touch with my feelings and emotions I really am. For myself and for others? You can either try to guess why, or mind your own business! If the latter, ask yourself this question:

" Are you FEELING ..... punk? " Get it?

Morpheus

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path"
Morpheus - The Matrix

Have watched the series again, having finally been able to afford the trilogy box set. Fab films.

I have calmed down some since the last post, though Wednesday was a day of misunderstandings, with half a dozen or so people involved. It's amazing the havoc that can be wrought and the angst created when you are operating without all the facts or the whole story. Thankfully the issues were resolved at a subesequent meeting on Wednesday night.

How do you behave in those moments of pressure and stress? Later, do you consider what you might have done differently?

I tend to be analytical and chew things over, imagining the differnet scenarios and outcomes; hypothosising, modelling, picturing; to try to make sense of things.

Trying to walk a wise path through difficult situations without jumping to conclusions, judging someone or something unfairly, being aware of my emotions but striving for objectivity - know what I could do and so trying to do it. What path are you on?

My lad turns 8 tomorrow, but will be with his mum until Sunday, when he comes back for a football party - probably in a blizzard! Have a good weekend guys.

Flip...

I've missed a whole week. Sorry Guys. Did you miss me? lol

Spinning from work, parenting, Trusteeship, youth group, mens group, counselling, mentoring, studying. Being.... Phew! :o(

Haven't touched the PS2 for 10 days so feeling pleased - I enjoy it now and again, in the privacy of my own home. I'm not hurting anyone. I can give up anytime....

Woke up to the morning service on Radio 4 yesterday and Ken Dodd (for those of you who remember him). He seems to have a Christian faith - he spoke - twice - about the God of joy and laughter, and said this:

"do you want to make God laugh?"

"then tell him your plans!"

I've been angry for a week about whether empathy and sympathy and being nice actually helps people? Not as a general rule, just sometimes. Is it ok to soothe someone to the point where the forget that what they really wanted to do was to shout their mouths off and get rid off some of their f#*!king anger? Grrrrrr

Why Blokeology?

Feeling a bit rough this morning despite an early (11.00) night. This is due to a busy working week but, I have to admit, mainly due to a 4am finish on Monday or Tuesday trying to complete a level on PS2 Rogue Agent. My the time flies when you're licensed to press buttons frenetically!

Been at this blogging lark for a couple of months now and, as I met a couple of guys this morning at a school assembly and mentioned the site, thought I better state why it's here at all. Here's what I said on day 1:

I have been reading a mate's blog for a while now (AliC) and occasionally posting some tongue in cheek comments when it occurred that it was unfair to be taking a pop at him when he was prepared to be vulnerable on-line and I wasn't. I'm trying to use this canvas to paint my thoughts on being a bloke.

I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways, but then haven't we all?

I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.

I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?

That's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan

Greet one another...

...with a brotherly kiss. Says Paul a writer in the New Testament bible. I have just been berated for including a kiss at the end of the last post! Apparently it "looks gay". Why is that so?

When I was in Vietnam in 2001 I was surprised to see guys walking down the street with their arms around one another's shoulders. When I checked this with Han, a local I had got to know, he said that was a simply a sign of friendship. I hear that in parts of the world male friends, similarly, may hold hands.

Walking to the office this morning (by strange coincidence) I followed two male Somalian college students walking so closely together, that I noticed it - there was nothing sexual about it - from the way they engaged in conversation before me, they simply seemed to be sharing, and enjoying, life....

Indeed, I kissed two male friends on the cheek on Saturday night when I met them, as I did their wives. I don't have a problem with this, and neither do the French. It's just fun to challenge the 'norms'!

Is the issue merely a cultural issue, or our preservation of boundaries, or even homophobic... I wonder?

Am I buggin' you? Don't mean to bug ya...

Stood up at the alter

Back in the office 30 mins now, having dashed between meetings all day to make a course at 2pm , convening in a local church. It's a follow up to 'The Road less Travelled' called 'Further Down the Road'.

Turned out to be the 'The Course more Cancelled' as HR (for a reason I'm hoping to discover) omitted to tell me. If I sound bitter/mad/fed up... I guess it's because I was looking forward to hanging out with some "beautiful humans" and being stretched and challenged by Pip. Doh!

I am disappointed so getting it off my chest. Rather I tell you broad shouldered fellas than I:
[a] kick the cat (I don't have a cat)
[b] go on an alcohol and drinks bender (I'm too old for an ASBO surely!)
[c] In rage drive my car like it's an Exocet (it's a Renault Laguna - some hope!!!!)

Please don't adust your blog - normal service will be resumed shortly! xx

Wanna fight?

I have a load of thoughts whizzing around my head. I feel an ache for the lonely, disenfranchised, hurting, depressed. These words struck me while I was watching some of a DVD with my son last night:

"Look, I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. They take one look at me and go,"Ahh look a big, stupid, ugly ogre." They judge me before they even know me and that's why I'm better off alone." Shrek

This somehow connects me to "you don't know me"? See my blog on 19/9/05.

I heard a suggested definition of social capital last year: "how many people know your name?"

Now turn it around - what's your postman called? The newsagent from who you buy a paper? The office cleaner? Your neighbour?

It also chimes with the life of Rosa Parks and her refusal in 1955 to give her bus seat to a white man. What an impact she made on the course of civil rights history. She wasn't known that day, except for her colour.

We draw near to Remembrance Day. We honour the Unknown soldier and the sacrifice made.

Thoughts whizzing... thinking still about Garry... taking his own life.

Talking to a friend yesterday about depression affects women, she said: you would be amazed to know how many women go through depression due to childhood traumas … subsequently struggling with acceptance, affection, approval, self-worth, self-esteem...resulting in self-mutilation, eating disorders. Even suicide.

Discussing with the guys that I meet midweek what is important to us in friendship. How we may be reticent to ask for help. How we may be equally slow to offer it?

I wonder then, following, the film quote beneath…

• What am I fighting for?
• Who am I fighting for?
• How am I doing in that?

Questions, questions. Not too many answers presently... which leaves me feeling... bereft of human warmth. Like... I need contact. So, if you are reading and thinking, maybe leave a comment? Talk to me goose...

Return to innocence

Frodo: "I can't do this, Sam." [Sam gets up and Gollum joins them.]

Sam: "I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are."
[Sam watches the Nazgûl fly away.]

Sam: "It's like in the great stories, Mister Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened."

[The Uruks flee Helm's Deep. The men shout in victory. Aragorn and Èowyn embrace.]

Sam: "But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."

[Isengard is flooded.Saruman retreats from his balcony.]

Sam: "Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mister Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. Because they were holding on to something."

[Frodo is sitting behind Sam, leaning on a wall, with tears in his eyes.]

Frodo: "What are we holding on to, Sam?" [Sam walks to Frodo and lifts him up.]

Sam: "That there's some good in this world, Mister Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

From The Two Towers - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Adapted from JRR Tolkien

For Garry

Mahler - Symphony no 2 - 'Resurrection' - Urlicht and Finale

Contralto:
Oh red rose!
Mankind lies in greatest need!
Mankind lies in greatest pain!
Much rather would I be in Heaven!

Then I came upon a broad path;
Then an angel came and wanted to dismiss me.
Ah no! I would not be dismissed!
I am from God and would go back to God!
Dear God will give me a light,
Will light me to blissful everlasting life!

Chorus and Soprano:
Rise again, yes rise again you will,
my dust, after brief repose!
Immortal life,
Will He who called you grant you.

To bloom again you are sown!
The Lord of the Harvest goes
And gathers the sheaves, even us who died!

Contralto:
O believe, my heart, o believe,
nothing of you will be lost!
What you longed for is yours,
yours what you loved,
what you championed!

Soprano:
O believe, you were not born in vain!
Have not vainly lived and suffered!

Chorus:
What was created, that must pass away!
What passed away, must rise!
Cease to tremble!
Prepare yourself to live!

Soprano and Alto, Chorus
O suffering! You that pierce all things,
From you I am wrested away!
O death! you that overcome all things,
now you are overcome!

With wings that I wrested for myself
in the fervent struggle of love
I shall fly away to the light wither no eye pierced

Chorus:
Die I shall, so as to live!

Tutti:
Rise again you will,
My heart, in a trice!
Your pulsation will carry you to God.

Uno, dos, tres....

Hi Guys, hope you are good. Back at work after half term and three of my busiest days ever! Had a great break. Hanging out in the North East with my friends ,Jon, Sandra and the kids. Good time, great to catch up - love them lots.

From there to my parents where we stayed Monday night. We went to Norwich Castle for the day on Tuesday and had a great time - my son and I that is. Mum and Dad stayed home - they don't like the city. We peaked at about level 2 - same facts and cliches - no dramas whatsoever, but then not much of a connection either. Once again I wasn't asked a single question about my personal circumstances, life, loves, interests etc. However, I did hear about the new cooker, the NHS, the weather and... I can't remember what else. Nothing of importance. So, I've no idea where that leaves me. Us. Them. I wonder what next? Ahhh for a crystal ball. I was given a Chrismas present for my lad, so won't be receiving an invite back this year I guess !!!!

Hampton Court closed so visited Polesden Lacey - a beautiful Manor house in Surrey where we had a lovely day. Thursday we chilled out at home and went to the park to play football, rugby and cricket, hooking up with some friends and other kids - Wonderful - before driving to Ned's mums to drop him off for the weekend. Miss him when he's away.

Saw a mate, Richard (see ROI below), on Saturday night for a superb meal, wine and BIG level 5 stuff. He's had a really tough time lately due to the suicide of a very close friend. We talked and talked, struggling to make sense of why anyone would totally lose hope and do such a drastic thing, leaving a wife and three kids? It's fair to say we also reflected on the positives in our own lives, despite their ups and downs. I was glad to be there for Rich and glad that he trusts me with his thoughts and feelings. I'm gonne post some lyrics in memory of Garry tomorrow I hope.

If you are reading this and are feeling totally crap - please, don't give up on yourself and everyone else. I believe, and have found it to be true, that even if no-one else (it seems) is there for you, God is.

If you are in dire straits, the Samaritans are a wonderful organisation who will listen if you need to talk through some stuff - in the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

Otherwise, post a comment here with your details and I will get in touch with you if you would like that.

Guys - if you feel you are doing ok - count your blessings and please don't take those around you for granted.

Measles, you blessed me today because of the surprise of your contact and our subsequent dialogue. Thanks.

TTFN...

Have a week off for half term. Looking forward to spending the time with my son. Seeing good friends in the North East, who I haven't seen this year yet, so excited about that. We will be listening to a 70's radio adaptation of the Hobbit on our journey and probably working our way through a bunch of Trivial Pursuit question cards, as well as some funky tunes, chatting and laughing. Love it!

Seeing my (adoptive) parents later in the week, who I haven't seen for four years - not so sure about that! Mixed feelings - may well go down the line of enquiring whether they are at all interested in maintaining a relationship? If not, then I am wondering about proposing that we call it a day. At least to have closure. Or would it be? I hadn't spoken to them since December 2003 until last week, when Ned asked whether they were still alive, so we rang!

If that goes pear-shaped then will be at Hampton Court for the day with one of Ned's best mates, and mum, who is a lovely lady, married to a good man. In a sea of insecurity I find there is something secure in having friendships with nuclear family units!

So, take care blokes.

'He who never hurt ridicules the scars of others' William Shakespeare

I would rather go blind...

... than to look at another woman and consider her solely in terms of her physical attractiveness to me...

This thought crossed my mind at the weekend. Have spent a lot of the last 72 hours lowering my gaze to something / somewhere / anything more appropriate.

Men stumble...

... and may fall... though it's not how you go down... but how you come up that counts.

The thought above was triggerred by the quote below, sent to me by a man who used to be one of my youth leaders - I love and admire him greatly, more than I've ever told him probably. He is a husband, a dad, a friend and a leadership coach.

When I see him and his wondeful wife we soon hit level 5 stuff - or at least I do - they've always been very gracious to me and listened and listened and listened. I wish I saw them more but that's the way of things sometimes isn't it? This is part of a document in which Alistair reflects on what it is to be a great leader, something I am thinking about as I consider whether to apply for a position that's come up at work, though I often feel inadequate to do this job justice as it:

“It is not the critic that counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood: who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, know the greatest enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt.

I suppose you think that's funny!!!

What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis?

The clown knows he’s wearing ridiculous clothes!

Midlife Crisis

Picking up from yesterday and my blog below "A game of two halves"…. I never thought of myself as having a 'Midlife Crisis' but I wonder as I write whether I have had one!! See ""You don't know me" beneath....

Apparently 'Midlife Crisis' is something that happens to many of us at some point during our lives (usually, at about 40, give or take 20 years). Midlife Crisis is a natural process (first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung) and it is a normal part of 'maturing'. However, Midlife Crisis can sometimes feel very uncomfortable, and cause people to seek psychotherapy or counselling, and/or to make a radical lifestyle changes that can be damaging and later regretted .

It can help to view Midlife Crisis from the perspective of differing personality types, as this will give you a greater understanding of what is happening.

Those going through midlife crisis, can experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

• Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years.
• Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life.
• Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different.
• Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before.
• Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or they can be brought on by external factors.

One external factor can be debt. The availability of credit has become easier in recent years, through credit cards and telephone/internet loans. This has made it easier to accumulate debt, and many people turn to debt consolidation or debt management services in order to find their way out of difficulty.

Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.

However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.

If you do understand the process of midlife transition, it can make it easier (though still not easy) to navigate your way through it.

If you are finding midlife difficult to deal with, it is worth considering psychotherapy or counselling, as these services can help you steer your way through difficult midlife circumstances without going off the rails.

Hmmm, the thinking man's struggle indeed - come and join me - struggle leads to strength.

Acceptance v accomplishment

On Tuesday I was discussing with a small group of friends the stages of our life when either acceptance or accomplishment is more important to us. So, for instance, the first year of life we need acceptance - that our needs be met: food, physical care and love. In the toddler years the instinct to investigate and explore is amazing! The teenage years when puberty hits and we need to know we are loved despite acne, greasy hair and the lack social skills!

And what of later life - we figured the need for acceptance never goes away, but there are periods when we are focused more on what we can accomplish in life. What drives that focus is another matter and could be healthy or otherwise.

We wondered what we might look back on and regret if and when we reach the retirement years?

I named a number of regrets in my Boys2men post below. You?

Ask and it shall be given....

Do you remember John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" I read it when married. Indeed my wife liked it so much that the follow up seemed a dead cert for a Christmas present: "How to get what you want and want what you get". Sadly times were more rocky by then. I bought it for her and she didn't want it! Humble pie for me in Waterstones....

I also love the line from U2 - " I gave her everything she wanted, it wasn't what she wanted"

Did you see the film "What women want"? Mel Gibson plays an overbearing, arrogant a*#%hole who appears to be Mr Perfect, but actually - by some bizarre twist in the plot (I use the term loosely) - can read womens minds?

Which leads me to neatly (!!!!!!) on to:

A thought about prayer from an American confederate soldier:

I asked for strength, that I might achieve

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy

I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for – but everything I had hoped for.

• What do you ask for?
• What do you hope for?
• What do you want?
• What do you need?

Boys2men

I was asked to respond to the following question early this year for a gathering of young males:

"What do you know now that you wish you had known when you were 18?"

Here are my thoughts, as passed on for their benefit:

Conversationally: sounds like a good session

Financially: the weekly lottery numbers!

Theoretically: that I would change the world (even my little bit)

Cerebrally: everything I didn't know

Circumstantially: that I was going to blog with you - I would have been so excited and so looking forward to it!

Romantically: what to say to the girl I really liked then

Lustfully: I haven't lost my eye sight but have had a bit of RSI (in the past obviously!)

Theologically: homoousius

Physiologically: to eat less pies

Helpfully: to tell Big Jon to do the same

Belatedly: In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ. [Colossians 2:11] Ouch! (not really!)

Psychologically: how insecure I was following my early years and adoption

Statistically: that I was birthed not aborted, and to value every day, as I now do since I realised that

Historically: who my parents were - don't take for granted what a blessing that is - for those who don't know.

Categorically: that I would marry a Christian girl who would later decide marriage wasn't for her and walk away

Consequentially: even more insecure

Eternally: still thinking about it

Intrinsically: the tension between being being 'alive' and 'dead' simultaneously (read the book!)

Repeatedly: how Romans 7 rings so true - all things I want to do...all the things I don't want to do.....

Sadly: the profound truths of the parable of the sower and those that are no longer walking in Christ - perhaps I could have done more?

Spiritually: amazing grace

Certainly: that Jesus really is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Athletically: to win the prize.

Influentially: that God really would use me to affect Kingdom change in a church, community, Town Centre, Borough, City

Developmentally: that God has been preparing me in the first half of my life what he will do in the second half.

Actually... I knew next to nothing, compared to the nearly next to nothing that I now know that I don't know, you know?

Briefly: this is all I've go time for.

Lovingly: I hope this helps my younger brothers.

"Wipe that smile off your face"

Do you know Billy Connelly's routine (I think it's the Billy and Albert show) where he jokes about similar sayings. Here's one I hear often - "what are you looking at me like that for?" It is one of those conundrums that is impossible to answer. Would you have any idea of the expression you were displaying at the moment this question was asked?!

On Friday I found myself in trouble. Accused of demeaning others (and myself) over emails I had written, quote: "hectoring .. a colleague with three e-mails within a couple of minutes on the same subject" and chastised for the perception in one exchange of the "petulant tone it strikes" and (allegedly) considering myself "more important than their work load or feelings"

I had originally thought of ignoring a suggestion that "if you have any other request can you please list on one email". I'll just say "No", was the second option, but decided that my colleague deserved the courtesy of an explanation, and I illustrated how at three Blue Chips where I have worked this was best practice. So, I laid out my reasons, and preference, for separate emails on individual issues (they weren't all the same subject):

• I would end up with 100's of emails all called "such and such project"
• It is therefore very difficult to monitor progress
• Finding items now, and especially later, is very time consuming
• Thus filing is tricky (electronic folders mainly)
• Where others are involved (professional consultants / contractors etc) we may inadvertently send information to them that is inappropriate or indeed confidential

Now, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with my methods, I felt devastated that anyone had received bad vibes in an email from me, because that was the last thing intended. I was upset all day.

I have reflected on this for a few days before blogging and I still cannot get around the fact that the 'voice' that speaks in the mind of an email recipient can use any tone, inflection or emphasis and never come anywhere close to the sentiments of the writer.

I feel I am on a hiding to nothing if assumptions are made of me and something I write in an email that just do not exist. Thoughts - can someboby help me out?

[Note for music anoraks - "Someboby help me out" Beggar and Co, circa 1980]

Cup of coffee?

On the first day of class, a university professor stood in front of his philosophy class with an empty jar.

Without saying a word to his students, he removed the lid of the jar and filled it with golf balls. When no more golf bars fit he closed the jar with its lid. He then asked his class, “Would you say that the jar is now full?” His students observed the jar and concluded that the jar was indeed full.

The professor then proceeded to open the jar up and started inserting marbles into the jar. The marbles started to fill the gaps between the golf balls. After sealing the jar, he asked his class once again if they thought the jar was now full. The class concluded that the jar was indeed now full.

The professor opened the jar a third time and started pouring in sand. Obviously, the sand started filling the gaps between the golf balls and the marbles. He then sealed the jar and asked his class a third time if the jar was full. His class chuckled and replied in unison, “Yes, it is now full!”

The professor opened the jar and emptied to small cups of coffee in the jar. The liquid had completely filled the gap between the golf balls, the marbles, and the grains of sand. He then began his lecture.

“I hope you realise that life is very much like this jar. The golf balls represent the important things in life, like God, family, loved ones, health, things that you care intimately about. If we lost everything else in life, our lives would still be ‘full’. The marbles are the other things in our lives that are important, but our happiness shouldn’t depend on them. Things like our work, our house, our car, etc. Finally, the sand represents everything else; the small stuff.

“If we were to have filled our jar up with sand first, there we wouldn’t have had enough room for the marbles or the golf balls. If we use all our life and energy on the small stuff, we won’t have any room for the important things.”

After a brief moment of silence one of the students asked, “Professor, what does the coffee represent?”

“Ah, I’m glad you asked,” replied the professor. “It means that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.”

Thanks Marcelo - looking forward to our coffee this afternoon....