"Are you feeling ..... punk?"

Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on. Tragedy.

Have you ever met a survivor? Of a war? Of genocide? Sexual abuse? BIG STUFF?

Of physical or verbal abuse? Of a broken home? Of a broken heart? Of tragedy?

Have you ever heard a story that left you unmoved? Or maybe only temporarily affected before you're thinking... "yeah, whatever. Get over it." ??

I am wondering about how in touch with my feelings and emotions I really am. For myself and for others? You can either try to guess why, or mind your own business! If the latter, ask yourself this question:

" Are you FEELING ..... punk? " Get it?

Morpheus

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path"
Morpheus - The Matrix

Have watched the series again, having finally been able to afford the trilogy box set. Fab films.

I have calmed down some since the last post, though Wednesday was a day of misunderstandings, with half a dozen or so people involved. It's amazing the havoc that can be wrought and the angst created when you are operating without all the facts or the whole story. Thankfully the issues were resolved at a subesequent meeting on Wednesday night.

How do you behave in those moments of pressure and stress? Later, do you consider what you might have done differently?

I tend to be analytical and chew things over, imagining the differnet scenarios and outcomes; hypothosising, modelling, picturing; to try to make sense of things.

Trying to walk a wise path through difficult situations without jumping to conclusions, judging someone or something unfairly, being aware of my emotions but striving for objectivity - know what I could do and so trying to do it. What path are you on?

My lad turns 8 tomorrow, but will be with his mum until Sunday, when he comes back for a football party - probably in a blizzard! Have a good weekend guys.

Flip...

I've missed a whole week. Sorry Guys. Did you miss me? lol

Spinning from work, parenting, Trusteeship, youth group, mens group, counselling, mentoring, studying. Being.... Phew! :o(

Haven't touched the PS2 for 10 days so feeling pleased - I enjoy it now and again, in the privacy of my own home. I'm not hurting anyone. I can give up anytime....

Woke up to the morning service on Radio 4 yesterday and Ken Dodd (for those of you who remember him). He seems to have a Christian faith - he spoke - twice - about the God of joy and laughter, and said this:

"do you want to make God laugh?"

"then tell him your plans!"

I've been angry for a week about whether empathy and sympathy and being nice actually helps people? Not as a general rule, just sometimes. Is it ok to soothe someone to the point where the forget that what they really wanted to do was to shout their mouths off and get rid off some of their f#*!king anger? Grrrrrr

Why Blokeology?

Feeling a bit rough this morning despite an early (11.00) night. This is due to a busy working week but, I have to admit, mainly due to a 4am finish on Monday or Tuesday trying to complete a level on PS2 Rogue Agent. My the time flies when you're licensed to press buttons frenetically!

Been at this blogging lark for a couple of months now and, as I met a couple of guys this morning at a school assembly and mentioned the site, thought I better state why it's here at all. Here's what I said on day 1:

I have been reading a mate's blog for a while now (AliC) and occasionally posting some tongue in cheek comments when it occurred that it was unfair to be taking a pop at him when he was prepared to be vulnerable on-line and I wasn't. I'm trying to use this canvas to paint my thoughts on being a bloke.

I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways, but then haven't we all?

I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.

I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?

That's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan

Greet one another...

...with a brotherly kiss. Says Paul a writer in the New Testament bible. I have just been berated for including a kiss at the end of the last post! Apparently it "looks gay". Why is that so?

When I was in Vietnam in 2001 I was surprised to see guys walking down the street with their arms around one another's shoulders. When I checked this with Han, a local I had got to know, he said that was a simply a sign of friendship. I hear that in parts of the world male friends, similarly, may hold hands.

Walking to the office this morning (by strange coincidence) I followed two male Somalian college students walking so closely together, that I noticed it - there was nothing sexual about it - from the way they engaged in conversation before me, they simply seemed to be sharing, and enjoying, life....

Indeed, I kissed two male friends on the cheek on Saturday night when I met them, as I did their wives. I don't have a problem with this, and neither do the French. It's just fun to challenge the 'norms'!

Is the issue merely a cultural issue, or our preservation of boundaries, or even homophobic... I wonder?

Am I buggin' you? Don't mean to bug ya...

Stood up at the alter

Back in the office 30 mins now, having dashed between meetings all day to make a course at 2pm , convening in a local church. It's a follow up to 'The Road less Travelled' called 'Further Down the Road'.

Turned out to be the 'The Course more Cancelled' as HR (for a reason I'm hoping to discover) omitted to tell me. If I sound bitter/mad/fed up... I guess it's because I was looking forward to hanging out with some "beautiful humans" and being stretched and challenged by Pip. Doh!

I am disappointed so getting it off my chest. Rather I tell you broad shouldered fellas than I:
[a] kick the cat (I don't have a cat)
[b] go on an alcohol and drinks bender (I'm too old for an ASBO surely!)
[c] In rage drive my car like it's an Exocet (it's a Renault Laguna - some hope!!!!)

Please don't adust your blog - normal service will be resumed shortly! xx

Wanna fight?

I have a load of thoughts whizzing around my head. I feel an ache for the lonely, disenfranchised, hurting, depressed. These words struck me while I was watching some of a DVD with my son last night:

"Look, I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. They take one look at me and go,"Ahh look a big, stupid, ugly ogre." They judge me before they even know me and that's why I'm better off alone." Shrek

This somehow connects me to "you don't know me"? See my blog on 19/9/05.

I heard a suggested definition of social capital last year: "how many people know your name?"

Now turn it around - what's your postman called? The newsagent from who you buy a paper? The office cleaner? Your neighbour?

It also chimes with the life of Rosa Parks and her refusal in 1955 to give her bus seat to a white man. What an impact she made on the course of civil rights history. She wasn't known that day, except for her colour.

We draw near to Remembrance Day. We honour the Unknown soldier and the sacrifice made.

Thoughts whizzing... thinking still about Garry... taking his own life.

Talking to a friend yesterday about depression affects women, she said: you would be amazed to know how many women go through depression due to childhood traumas … subsequently struggling with acceptance, affection, approval, self-worth, self-esteem...resulting in self-mutilation, eating disorders. Even suicide.

Discussing with the guys that I meet midweek what is important to us in friendship. How we may be reticent to ask for help. How we may be equally slow to offer it?

I wonder then, following, the film quote beneath…

• What am I fighting for?
• Who am I fighting for?
• How am I doing in that?

Questions, questions. Not too many answers presently... which leaves me feeling... bereft of human warmth. Like... I need contact. So, if you are reading and thinking, maybe leave a comment? Talk to me goose...

Return to innocence

Frodo: "I can't do this, Sam." [Sam gets up and Gollum joins them.]

Sam: "I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are."
[Sam watches the Nazgûl fly away.]

Sam: "It's like in the great stories, Mister Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened."

[The Uruks flee Helm's Deep. The men shout in victory. Aragorn and Èowyn embrace.]

Sam: "But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."

[Isengard is flooded.Saruman retreats from his balcony.]

Sam: "Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mister Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. Because they were holding on to something."

[Frodo is sitting behind Sam, leaning on a wall, with tears in his eyes.]

Frodo: "What are we holding on to, Sam?" [Sam walks to Frodo and lifts him up.]

Sam: "That there's some good in this world, Mister Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

From The Two Towers - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Adapted from JRR Tolkien

For Garry

Mahler - Symphony no 2 - 'Resurrection' - Urlicht and Finale

Contralto:
Oh red rose!
Mankind lies in greatest need!
Mankind lies in greatest pain!
Much rather would I be in Heaven!

Then I came upon a broad path;
Then an angel came and wanted to dismiss me.
Ah no! I would not be dismissed!
I am from God and would go back to God!
Dear God will give me a light,
Will light me to blissful everlasting life!

Chorus and Soprano:
Rise again, yes rise again you will,
my dust, after brief repose!
Immortal life,
Will He who called you grant you.

To bloom again you are sown!
The Lord of the Harvest goes
And gathers the sheaves, even us who died!

Contralto:
O believe, my heart, o believe,
nothing of you will be lost!
What you longed for is yours,
yours what you loved,
what you championed!

Soprano:
O believe, you were not born in vain!
Have not vainly lived and suffered!

Chorus:
What was created, that must pass away!
What passed away, must rise!
Cease to tremble!
Prepare yourself to live!

Soprano and Alto, Chorus
O suffering! You that pierce all things,
From you I am wrested away!
O death! you that overcome all things,
now you are overcome!

With wings that I wrested for myself
in the fervent struggle of love
I shall fly away to the light wither no eye pierced

Chorus:
Die I shall, so as to live!

Tutti:
Rise again you will,
My heart, in a trice!
Your pulsation will carry you to God.

Uno, dos, tres....

Hi Guys, hope you are good. Back at work after half term and three of my busiest days ever! Had a great break. Hanging out in the North East with my friends ,Jon, Sandra and the kids. Good time, great to catch up - love them lots.

From there to my parents where we stayed Monday night. We went to Norwich Castle for the day on Tuesday and had a great time - my son and I that is. Mum and Dad stayed home - they don't like the city. We peaked at about level 2 - same facts and cliches - no dramas whatsoever, but then not much of a connection either. Once again I wasn't asked a single question about my personal circumstances, life, loves, interests etc. However, I did hear about the new cooker, the NHS, the weather and... I can't remember what else. Nothing of importance. So, I've no idea where that leaves me. Us. Them. I wonder what next? Ahhh for a crystal ball. I was given a Chrismas present for my lad, so won't be receiving an invite back this year I guess !!!!

Hampton Court closed so visited Polesden Lacey - a beautiful Manor house in Surrey where we had a lovely day. Thursday we chilled out at home and went to the park to play football, rugby and cricket, hooking up with some friends and other kids - Wonderful - before driving to Ned's mums to drop him off for the weekend. Miss him when he's away.

Saw a mate, Richard (see ROI below), on Saturday night for a superb meal, wine and BIG level 5 stuff. He's had a really tough time lately due to the suicide of a very close friend. We talked and talked, struggling to make sense of why anyone would totally lose hope and do such a drastic thing, leaving a wife and three kids? It's fair to say we also reflected on the positives in our own lives, despite their ups and downs. I was glad to be there for Rich and glad that he trusts me with his thoughts and feelings. I'm gonne post some lyrics in memory of Garry tomorrow I hope.

If you are reading this and are feeling totally crap - please, don't give up on yourself and everyone else. I believe, and have found it to be true, that even if no-one else (it seems) is there for you, God is.

If you are in dire straits, the Samaritans are a wonderful organisation who will listen if you need to talk through some stuff - in the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

Otherwise, post a comment here with your details and I will get in touch with you if you would like that.

Guys - if you feel you are doing ok - count your blessings and please don't take those around you for granted.

Measles, you blessed me today because of the surprise of your contact and our subsequent dialogue. Thanks.