How strange

Remembered this from M. Scott Peck (who died last week) after writing my blog below - he writes rather more articulately than I !!

"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."

View from the hole!

Er hmmm!

Considering R's comments on Monday. Am I stuck up my own arsehole?

I feel that analysis is a part of who I am. Thinking and feeling my way ahead is what comes most naturally to me, and I am not going to deny that side of my character. Can it be unhealthy? Of course, if done to the extreme and without a broader outlook/perspective.

I have been working this year on making the unconscious conscious, realising things I never knew about myself before. Knowledge can bring understanding.

But I want to be a man who is deep as well as wide. This refelctive process is, I think, moving me in that direction. There are no short cuts to maturity. Therefore to chew stuff over and work it through is, for me, healthy. It feels as though it is for a purpose too when people ask me a question and then listen to what I have to say. I haven't sought that in itself, but it is a beautiful bi-product when what I've learnt from my slimy pit (rhyming) experiences can help someone else when they are in theirs. So, this is (literally) the view from the hole!

Am I stuck there? When I have decided to be there alongside a friend. - yes.

Will I get stuck there unintentionally? Well, the journey I am on is to try to prevent that...

Surely life is meant to be about carrying one another? I've needed people to do that for me - Richard you've been one of those in the past.

So perhaps a question for all of us is: "Whose arsehole are you stuck in?
Whose shit are you in just so they don't have to be there on their own?"

Still want to know me? (see "You don't know me" 19/09/05)

Don't Give Up

Though it is one of the most haunting and beautiful in the history of music, I had forgotten about this song. The lyrics are very real right now, and also remind me of Garry (see Uno, dos, tres.... 2/11/05).

Stayed with wonderful friends over the weekend and Chris was reliving how he helped a suicidal woman leave her position on a bridge over the M25, and climb back over the barrier to safety, to life. Remarkable. Life is precious. Life hurts. Shit happens - yep, fair enough. The way it happens sometimes though...

Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one
Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy
Don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong.

Pip writes: "Alicia Keys and Bono have recorded Peter Gabriel’s ‘Don’t Give Up’ to benefit families in Africa living with AIDS. It’s exclusively available as a download from iTunes with proceeds going to the charity Keep A Child Alive." Thanks Pip for blogging about this and helping me see this song again.

"You are getting too stuck...

...up your own arsehole. " Is a comment made by my old mate Richard to my blog below!

Level 5? Absolutely! I really appreciate what Richard has said and want to think about it and respond in due course. Please add your own comments. Love ya Rich.

Bad to worse

Have blogged less the worse I've been feeling, and since 29/11 (below) things have been really up and down.

I seem to be more prone than ever to feeling pain for those close to me. A friend and colleague has just had a roller coaster time - it's not my place to say why at the moment - and it rocked my world last week. Another friend and colleague had similar, grim news on the very same day, and yet another friend has fallen foul of temptation and his marriage is hanging together by a thread. See him this week to talk over...

I started the morning with prayer, reflecting that the very fact of being alive today means that whatever purpose I am here for remains incomplete. There is something I am meant to do today that will make a difference. I hope it will be to bring light into someone's darkness.

I feel I have become isolated of late. I have been so busy with parenting, work, Trusts, meetings, study and exams as to have neglected to be out with and meeting new people. Gonna change that. Had a 'blind' coffee with a friend of a friend on Saturday, who herself has had a tough time. Bit scary but good to get on and do it and it was fun. The Greenbelt thing last weekend would have been great but didn't feel up to it. Still fighting off this cold - damn tickly cough that has me choking and wretching sometimes.

On the up side, recently I got to spend time with a dear friend who (again) has been struggling with various issues. We prayed together and the feedback is of healing - physical and emotional/pyschological. God is good.

Not what I wanted for the weekend

To feel ill and miss football, but not looking good for tonight.

Some good stuff on Sunday hopefully - seeing my sister and two nephews and later one of my god sons to whom I'm known as Uncle Vito - he's called Little Dan - after me! How cool is that !!!!! Feeling better just thinking about it.

Hope to get to a Greenbelt planning session tomorrow too.... Enjoy every breath you take bro'

"Are you feeling ..... punk?"

Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on. Tragedy.

Have you ever met a survivor? Of a war? Of genocide? Sexual abuse? BIG STUFF?

Of physical or verbal abuse? Of a broken home? Of a broken heart? Of tragedy?

Have you ever heard a story that left you unmoved? Or maybe only temporarily affected before you're thinking... "yeah, whatever. Get over it." ??

I am wondering about how in touch with my feelings and emotions I really am. For myself and for others? You can either try to guess why, or mind your own business! If the latter, ask yourself this question:

" Are you FEELING ..... punk? " Get it?

Morpheus

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path"
Morpheus - The Matrix

Have watched the series again, having finally been able to afford the trilogy box set. Fab films.

I have calmed down some since the last post, though Wednesday was a day of misunderstandings, with half a dozen or so people involved. It's amazing the havoc that can be wrought and the angst created when you are operating without all the facts or the whole story. Thankfully the issues were resolved at a subesequent meeting on Wednesday night.

How do you behave in those moments of pressure and stress? Later, do you consider what you might have done differently?

I tend to be analytical and chew things over, imagining the differnet scenarios and outcomes; hypothosising, modelling, picturing; to try to make sense of things.

Trying to walk a wise path through difficult situations without jumping to conclusions, judging someone or something unfairly, being aware of my emotions but striving for objectivity - know what I could do and so trying to do it. What path are you on?

My lad turns 8 tomorrow, but will be with his mum until Sunday, when he comes back for a football party - probably in a blizzard! Have a good weekend guys.

Flip...

I've missed a whole week. Sorry Guys. Did you miss me? lol

Spinning from work, parenting, Trusteeship, youth group, mens group, counselling, mentoring, studying. Being.... Phew! :o(

Haven't touched the PS2 for 10 days so feeling pleased - I enjoy it now and again, in the privacy of my own home. I'm not hurting anyone. I can give up anytime....

Woke up to the morning service on Radio 4 yesterday and Ken Dodd (for those of you who remember him). He seems to have a Christian faith - he spoke - twice - about the God of joy and laughter, and said this:

"do you want to make God laugh?"

"then tell him your plans!"

I've been angry for a week about whether empathy and sympathy and being nice actually helps people? Not as a general rule, just sometimes. Is it ok to soothe someone to the point where the forget that what they really wanted to do was to shout their mouths off and get rid off some of their f#*!king anger? Grrrrrr

Why Blokeology?

Feeling a bit rough this morning despite an early (11.00) night. This is due to a busy working week but, I have to admit, mainly due to a 4am finish on Monday or Tuesday trying to complete a level on PS2 Rogue Agent. My the time flies when you're licensed to press buttons frenetically!

Been at this blogging lark for a couple of months now and, as I met a couple of guys this morning at a school assembly and mentioned the site, thought I better state why it's here at all. Here's what I said on day 1:

I have been reading a mate's blog for a while now (AliC) and occasionally posting some tongue in cheek comments when it occurred that it was unfair to be taking a pop at him when he was prepared to be vulnerable on-line and I wasn't. I'm trying to use this canvas to paint my thoughts on being a bloke.

I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways, but then haven't we all?

I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.

I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?

That's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan

Greet one another...

...with a brotherly kiss. Says Paul a writer in the New Testament bible. I have just been berated for including a kiss at the end of the last post! Apparently it "looks gay". Why is that so?

When I was in Vietnam in 2001 I was surprised to see guys walking down the street with their arms around one another's shoulders. When I checked this with Han, a local I had got to know, he said that was a simply a sign of friendship. I hear that in parts of the world male friends, similarly, may hold hands.

Walking to the office this morning (by strange coincidence) I followed two male Somalian college students walking so closely together, that I noticed it - there was nothing sexual about it - from the way they engaged in conversation before me, they simply seemed to be sharing, and enjoying, life....

Indeed, I kissed two male friends on the cheek on Saturday night when I met them, as I did their wives. I don't have a problem with this, and neither do the French. It's just fun to challenge the 'norms'!

Is the issue merely a cultural issue, or our preservation of boundaries, or even homophobic... I wonder?

Am I buggin' you? Don't mean to bug ya...

Stood up at the alter

Back in the office 30 mins now, having dashed between meetings all day to make a course at 2pm , convening in a local church. It's a follow up to 'The Road less Travelled' called 'Further Down the Road'.

Turned out to be the 'The Course more Cancelled' as HR (for a reason I'm hoping to discover) omitted to tell me. If I sound bitter/mad/fed up... I guess it's because I was looking forward to hanging out with some "beautiful humans" and being stretched and challenged by Pip. Doh!

I am disappointed so getting it off my chest. Rather I tell you broad shouldered fellas than I:
[a] kick the cat (I don't have a cat)
[b] go on an alcohol and drinks bender (I'm too old for an ASBO surely!)
[c] In rage drive my car like it's an Exocet (it's a Renault Laguna - some hope!!!!)

Please don't adust your blog - normal service will be resumed shortly! xx

Wanna fight?

I have a load of thoughts whizzing around my head. I feel an ache for the lonely, disenfranchised, hurting, depressed. These words struck me while I was watching some of a DVD with my son last night:

"Look, I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. They take one look at me and go,"Ahh look a big, stupid, ugly ogre." They judge me before they even know me and that's why I'm better off alone." Shrek

This somehow connects me to "you don't know me"? See my blog on 19/9/05.

I heard a suggested definition of social capital last year: "how many people know your name?"

Now turn it around - what's your postman called? The newsagent from who you buy a paper? The office cleaner? Your neighbour?

It also chimes with the life of Rosa Parks and her refusal in 1955 to give her bus seat to a white man. What an impact she made on the course of civil rights history. She wasn't known that day, except for her colour.

We draw near to Remembrance Day. We honour the Unknown soldier and the sacrifice made.

Thoughts whizzing... thinking still about Garry... taking his own life.

Talking to a friend yesterday about depression affects women, she said: you would be amazed to know how many women go through depression due to childhood traumas … subsequently struggling with acceptance, affection, approval, self-worth, self-esteem...resulting in self-mutilation, eating disorders. Even suicide.

Discussing with the guys that I meet midweek what is important to us in friendship. How we may be reticent to ask for help. How we may be equally slow to offer it?

I wonder then, following, the film quote beneath…

• What am I fighting for?
• Who am I fighting for?
• How am I doing in that?

Questions, questions. Not too many answers presently... which leaves me feeling... bereft of human warmth. Like... I need contact. So, if you are reading and thinking, maybe leave a comment? Talk to me goose...

Return to innocence

Frodo: "I can't do this, Sam." [Sam gets up and Gollum joins them.]

Sam: "I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are."
[Sam watches the Nazgûl fly away.]

Sam: "It's like in the great stories, Mister Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened."

[The Uruks flee Helm's Deep. The men shout in victory. Aragorn and Èowyn embrace.]

Sam: "But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."

[Isengard is flooded.Saruman retreats from his balcony.]

Sam: "Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mister Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. Because they were holding on to something."

[Frodo is sitting behind Sam, leaning on a wall, with tears in his eyes.]

Frodo: "What are we holding on to, Sam?" [Sam walks to Frodo and lifts him up.]

Sam: "That there's some good in this world, Mister Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

From The Two Towers - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Adapted from JRR Tolkien

For Garry

Mahler - Symphony no 2 - 'Resurrection' - Urlicht and Finale

Contralto:
Oh red rose!
Mankind lies in greatest need!
Mankind lies in greatest pain!
Much rather would I be in Heaven!

Then I came upon a broad path;
Then an angel came and wanted to dismiss me.
Ah no! I would not be dismissed!
I am from God and would go back to God!
Dear God will give me a light,
Will light me to blissful everlasting life!

Chorus and Soprano:
Rise again, yes rise again you will,
my dust, after brief repose!
Immortal life,
Will He who called you grant you.

To bloom again you are sown!
The Lord of the Harvest goes
And gathers the sheaves, even us who died!

Contralto:
O believe, my heart, o believe,
nothing of you will be lost!
What you longed for is yours,
yours what you loved,
what you championed!

Soprano:
O believe, you were not born in vain!
Have not vainly lived and suffered!

Chorus:
What was created, that must pass away!
What passed away, must rise!
Cease to tremble!
Prepare yourself to live!

Soprano and Alto, Chorus
O suffering! You that pierce all things,
From you I am wrested away!
O death! you that overcome all things,
now you are overcome!

With wings that I wrested for myself
in the fervent struggle of love
I shall fly away to the light wither no eye pierced

Chorus:
Die I shall, so as to live!

Tutti:
Rise again you will,
My heart, in a trice!
Your pulsation will carry you to God.

Uno, dos, tres....

Hi Guys, hope you are good. Back at work after half term and three of my busiest days ever! Had a great break. Hanging out in the North East with my friends ,Jon, Sandra and the kids. Good time, great to catch up - love them lots.

From there to my parents where we stayed Monday night. We went to Norwich Castle for the day on Tuesday and had a great time - my son and I that is. Mum and Dad stayed home - they don't like the city. We peaked at about level 2 - same facts and cliches - no dramas whatsoever, but then not much of a connection either. Once again I wasn't asked a single question about my personal circumstances, life, loves, interests etc. However, I did hear about the new cooker, the NHS, the weather and... I can't remember what else. Nothing of importance. So, I've no idea where that leaves me. Us. Them. I wonder what next? Ahhh for a crystal ball. I was given a Chrismas present for my lad, so won't be receiving an invite back this year I guess !!!!

Hampton Court closed so visited Polesden Lacey - a beautiful Manor house in Surrey where we had a lovely day. Thursday we chilled out at home and went to the park to play football, rugby and cricket, hooking up with some friends and other kids - Wonderful - before driving to Ned's mums to drop him off for the weekend. Miss him when he's away.

Saw a mate, Richard (see ROI below), on Saturday night for a superb meal, wine and BIG level 5 stuff. He's had a really tough time lately due to the suicide of a very close friend. We talked and talked, struggling to make sense of why anyone would totally lose hope and do such a drastic thing, leaving a wife and three kids? It's fair to say we also reflected on the positives in our own lives, despite their ups and downs. I was glad to be there for Rich and glad that he trusts me with his thoughts and feelings. I'm gonne post some lyrics in memory of Garry tomorrow I hope.

If you are reading this and are feeling totally crap - please, don't give up on yourself and everyone else. I believe, and have found it to be true, that even if no-one else (it seems) is there for you, God is.

If you are in dire straits, the Samaritans are a wonderful organisation who will listen if you need to talk through some stuff - in the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

Otherwise, post a comment here with your details and I will get in touch with you if you would like that.

Guys - if you feel you are doing ok - count your blessings and please don't take those around you for granted.

Measles, you blessed me today because of the surprise of your contact and our subsequent dialogue. Thanks.

TTFN...

Have a week off for half term. Looking forward to spending the time with my son. Seeing good friends in the North East, who I haven't seen this year yet, so excited about that. We will be listening to a 70's radio adaptation of the Hobbit on our journey and probably working our way through a bunch of Trivial Pursuit question cards, as well as some funky tunes, chatting and laughing. Love it!

Seeing my (adoptive) parents later in the week, who I haven't seen for four years - not so sure about that! Mixed feelings - may well go down the line of enquiring whether they are at all interested in maintaining a relationship? If not, then I am wondering about proposing that we call it a day. At least to have closure. Or would it be? I hadn't spoken to them since December 2003 until last week, when Ned asked whether they were still alive, so we rang!

If that goes pear-shaped then will be at Hampton Court for the day with one of Ned's best mates, and mum, who is a lovely lady, married to a good man. In a sea of insecurity I find there is something secure in having friendships with nuclear family units!

So, take care blokes.

'He who never hurt ridicules the scars of others' William Shakespeare

I would rather go blind...

... than to look at another woman and consider her solely in terms of her physical attractiveness to me...

This thought crossed my mind at the weekend. Have spent a lot of the last 72 hours lowering my gaze to something / somewhere / anything more appropriate.

Men stumble...

... and may fall... though it's not how you go down... but how you come up that counts.

The thought above was triggerred by the quote below, sent to me by a man who used to be one of my youth leaders - I love and admire him greatly, more than I've ever told him probably. He is a husband, a dad, a friend and a leadership coach.

When I see him and his wondeful wife we soon hit level 5 stuff - or at least I do - they've always been very gracious to me and listened and listened and listened. I wish I saw them more but that's the way of things sometimes isn't it? This is part of a document in which Alistair reflects on what it is to be a great leader, something I am thinking about as I consider whether to apply for a position that's come up at work, though I often feel inadequate to do this job justice as it:

“It is not the critic that counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood: who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, know the greatest enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt.

I suppose you think that's funny!!!

What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis?

The clown knows he’s wearing ridiculous clothes!

Midlife Crisis

Picking up from yesterday and my blog below "A game of two halves"…. I never thought of myself as having a 'Midlife Crisis' but I wonder as I write whether I have had one!! See ""You don't know me" beneath....

Apparently 'Midlife Crisis' is something that happens to many of us at some point during our lives (usually, at about 40, give or take 20 years). Midlife Crisis is a natural process (first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung) and it is a normal part of 'maturing'. However, Midlife Crisis can sometimes feel very uncomfortable, and cause people to seek psychotherapy or counselling, and/or to make a radical lifestyle changes that can be damaging and later regretted .

It can help to view Midlife Crisis from the perspective of differing personality types, as this will give you a greater understanding of what is happening.

Those going through midlife crisis, can experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

• Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years.
• Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life.
• Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different.
• Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before.
• Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or they can be brought on by external factors.

One external factor can be debt. The availability of credit has become easier in recent years, through credit cards and telephone/internet loans. This has made it easier to accumulate debt, and many people turn to debt consolidation or debt management services in order to find their way out of difficulty.

Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.

However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.

If you do understand the process of midlife transition, it can make it easier (though still not easy) to navigate your way through it.

If you are finding midlife difficult to deal with, it is worth considering psychotherapy or counselling, as these services can help you steer your way through difficult midlife circumstances without going off the rails.

Hmmm, the thinking man's struggle indeed - come and join me - struggle leads to strength.

Acceptance v accomplishment

On Tuesday I was discussing with a small group of friends the stages of our life when either acceptance or accomplishment is more important to us. So, for instance, the first year of life we need acceptance - that our needs be met: food, physical care and love. In the toddler years the instinct to investigate and explore is amazing! The teenage years when puberty hits and we need to know we are loved despite acne, greasy hair and the lack social skills!

And what of later life - we figured the need for acceptance never goes away, but there are periods when we are focused more on what we can accomplish in life. What drives that focus is another matter and could be healthy or otherwise.

We wondered what we might look back on and regret if and when we reach the retirement years?

I named a number of regrets in my Boys2men post below. You?

Ask and it shall be given....

Do you remember John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" I read it when married. Indeed my wife liked it so much that the follow up seemed a dead cert for a Christmas present: "How to get what you want and want what you get". Sadly times were more rocky by then. I bought it for her and she didn't want it! Humble pie for me in Waterstones....

I also love the line from U2 - " I gave her everything she wanted, it wasn't what she wanted"

Did you see the film "What women want"? Mel Gibson plays an overbearing, arrogant a*#%hole who appears to be Mr Perfect, but actually - by some bizarre twist in the plot (I use the term loosely) - can read womens minds?

Which leads me to neatly (!!!!!!) on to:

A thought about prayer from an American confederate soldier:

I asked for strength, that I might achieve

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy

I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for – but everything I had hoped for.

• What do you ask for?
• What do you hope for?
• What do you want?
• What do you need?

Boys2men

I was asked to respond to the following question early this year for a gathering of young males:

"What do you know now that you wish you had known when you were 18?"

Here are my thoughts, as passed on for their benefit:

Conversationally: sounds like a good session

Financially: the weekly lottery numbers!

Theoretically: that I would change the world (even my little bit)

Cerebrally: everything I didn't know

Circumstantially: that I was going to blog with you - I would have been so excited and so looking forward to it!

Romantically: what to say to the girl I really liked then

Lustfully: I haven't lost my eye sight but have had a bit of RSI (in the past obviously!)

Theologically: homoousius

Physiologically: to eat less pies

Helpfully: to tell Big Jon to do the same

Belatedly: In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ. [Colossians 2:11] Ouch! (not really!)

Psychologically: how insecure I was following my early years and adoption

Statistically: that I was birthed not aborted, and to value every day, as I now do since I realised that

Historically: who my parents were - don't take for granted what a blessing that is - for those who don't know.

Categorically: that I would marry a Christian girl who would later decide marriage wasn't for her and walk away

Consequentially: even more insecure

Eternally: still thinking about it

Intrinsically: the tension between being being 'alive' and 'dead' simultaneously (read the book!)

Repeatedly: how Romans 7 rings so true - all things I want to do...all the things I don't want to do.....

Sadly: the profound truths of the parable of the sower and those that are no longer walking in Christ - perhaps I could have done more?

Spiritually: amazing grace

Certainly: that Jesus really is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Athletically: to win the prize.

Influentially: that God really would use me to affect Kingdom change in a church, community, Town Centre, Borough, City

Developmentally: that God has been preparing me in the first half of my life what he will do in the second half.

Actually... I knew next to nothing, compared to the nearly next to nothing that I now know that I don't know, you know?

Briefly: this is all I've go time for.

Lovingly: I hope this helps my younger brothers.

"Wipe that smile off your face"

Do you know Billy Connelly's routine (I think it's the Billy and Albert show) where he jokes about similar sayings. Here's one I hear often - "what are you looking at me like that for?" It is one of those conundrums that is impossible to answer. Would you have any idea of the expression you were displaying at the moment this question was asked?!

On Friday I found myself in trouble. Accused of demeaning others (and myself) over emails I had written, quote: "hectoring .. a colleague with three e-mails within a couple of minutes on the same subject" and chastised for the perception in one exchange of the "petulant tone it strikes" and (allegedly) considering myself "more important than their work load or feelings"

I had originally thought of ignoring a suggestion that "if you have any other request can you please list on one email". I'll just say "No", was the second option, but decided that my colleague deserved the courtesy of an explanation, and I illustrated how at three Blue Chips where I have worked this was best practice. So, I laid out my reasons, and preference, for separate emails on individual issues (they weren't all the same subject):

• I would end up with 100's of emails all called "such and such project"
• It is therefore very difficult to monitor progress
• Finding items now, and especially later, is very time consuming
• Thus filing is tricky (electronic folders mainly)
• Where others are involved (professional consultants / contractors etc) we may inadvertently send information to them that is inappropriate or indeed confidential

Now, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with my methods, I felt devastated that anyone had received bad vibes in an email from me, because that was the last thing intended. I was upset all day.

I have reflected on this for a few days before blogging and I still cannot get around the fact that the 'voice' that speaks in the mind of an email recipient can use any tone, inflection or emphasis and never come anywhere close to the sentiments of the writer.

I feel I am on a hiding to nothing if assumptions are made of me and something I write in an email that just do not exist. Thoughts - can someboby help me out?

[Note for music anoraks - "Someboby help me out" Beggar and Co, circa 1980]

Cup of coffee?

On the first day of class, a university professor stood in front of his philosophy class with an empty jar.

Without saying a word to his students, he removed the lid of the jar and filled it with golf balls. When no more golf bars fit he closed the jar with its lid. He then asked his class, “Would you say that the jar is now full?” His students observed the jar and concluded that the jar was indeed full.

The professor then proceeded to open the jar up and started inserting marbles into the jar. The marbles started to fill the gaps between the golf balls. After sealing the jar, he asked his class once again if they thought the jar was now full. The class concluded that the jar was indeed now full.

The professor opened the jar a third time and started pouring in sand. Obviously, the sand started filling the gaps between the golf balls and the marbles. He then sealed the jar and asked his class a third time if the jar was full. His class chuckled and replied in unison, “Yes, it is now full!”

The professor opened the jar and emptied to small cups of coffee in the jar. The liquid had completely filled the gap between the golf balls, the marbles, and the grains of sand. He then began his lecture.

“I hope you realise that life is very much like this jar. The golf balls represent the important things in life, like God, family, loved ones, health, things that you care intimately about. If we lost everything else in life, our lives would still be ‘full’. The marbles are the other things in our lives that are important, but our happiness shouldn’t depend on them. Things like our work, our house, our car, etc. Finally, the sand represents everything else; the small stuff.

“If we were to have filled our jar up with sand first, there we wouldn’t have had enough room for the marbles or the golf balls. If we use all our life and energy on the small stuff, we won’t have any room for the important things.”

After a brief moment of silence one of the students asked, “Professor, what does the coffee represent?”

“Ah, I’m glad you asked,” replied the professor. “It means that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.”

Thanks Marcelo - looking forward to our coffee this afternoon....

A game of two halves

Following on from Monday's blog…. The next most significant thing that encouraged that year me was in the autumn of 2001.

A few years before I had resigned a management position that I really enjoyed. Despite the fact it was the corporate treadmill, with all the political bull, posturing and positioning, I enjoyed the film industry we were in, the customers and clients (mostly!), the company, the staff and my team. I left to stay at home as primary carer for my son and stepson, while my wife returned to a high-flying career. I also joined the staff of my church - fantastic - all of it - I loved it. Problem - my marriage went down the pan - and though I returned to work, partly in an effort to save my marriage, the toilet flushed in early 2001, as described below.

So, here's how I'm feeling at that time: as a partner rejected, as a husband bereft, as a parent divided, as a provider inadequate, as a potential employee pessimistic, as a leader discredited, as a Christian ashamed, as a man…surviving.

It was perhaps the greatest relief of my life to date - there I was at half time (on a three score plus ten basis) feeling totally trashed... I felt that any achievement or sense of significance in life was now beyond me. Not so…

I read a book (as you do!) called The Making of a Leader, by Dr J Robert Clinton, or Bobby to his friends. In it he told me that God had primarily been working in me, in the first half of my life, to prepare me for what He was going to do in the second. Wow! All my experience, as crap as it was, would be useful somehow.

Question: what does that say about our impatience for maturity? Avoiding risk for fear of failure? About covering up our mistakes and so not learning the lessons of them? About deciding to be self-contained or independent? About what we communicate - with whom and when? More to follow….

Turn off the lights!

"Character is what a man is in the dark" D.L. Moody

At what age did you become an adult?

This question was put to me last year and has come up again twice during the last month. What do you think it means? Here's what it means for me:

I have had significant responsibilities for nearly twenty years - professionally during my times in banking and credit management - marrying at 21 and getting a cheap mortgage from work, which meant I was a home owner pretty young - a flat at 21 and a house at 23 (they're not the street numbers but my age!).

However, in 2001, aged 36, I think I became an adult. Within the space of a few months my wife and I separated, I lost my job, I lost my house and became a single parent - the marital home was sold and my son and I moved in with friends for nine months. Not only did now I have to do everything on my own - parent, buy a house (with a mortgage in my name only) and hold down a job (or else!), but there were some other choices to make - choices no less significant but less obvious.

The bible has a wonderful passage about love which often gets read at weddings:

1 Corinthians 13 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy,
it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it
is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres. "

The verse that really bugged me was "Love keeps no record of wrongs". I had a lot of anger and disappointment over the break up of my marriage, and our family, which affected my son and my step-son.

My wife had moved to a different city so most telephone conversations would end up with me finding fault, picking a fight, and dragging up my hurt to unleash upon her. But ... "Love keeps no record of wrongs"...

Meanwhile I was being challenged from a similar but different angle. "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us".

Oh...you mean I have to forgive ...if I want to be forgiven?

Yes....And (by the way)..."Love keeps no record of wrongs".

Oh...you mean...I have to stop arguing about that stuff...I can't bring it up at all...ever...not even...

Yes, that is what it means...

The practical steps I have listed, plus this intentional change on part to not assume a high moral ground (as I was it) was a maturing in my life - it lead to a great deal of healing and peace that I believe would otherwise have alluded me for sometime. They were a couple of key stages that lasted about a year in my life journey and represented a rite of passage for me.

At what age did you become an adult, and how did it happen?

Prince Charming

Lots of blokes are charming, right? We don't charm one another of course (!) but there are a few of us who can sure charm the ladies. That's not to say we are jumping into bed with a different babe every weekend, that's a separate kind of animal whose powers are beyond me. But we know how to chat to a lady and make her feel good about herself. We are really interested in her and give her some signals that indicate that.

I've been wondering what the root of charm is?
I am wondering whether charm can be harm?

Having been a single, married, separated, divorced, single guy ... :o(
...I am rethinking my boundaries. I think that I, me, myself (and probably some of you guys in the past) have used charm to harm, and here's how….

We want to be liked. We want to be loved. We also want to know that we (still) have the charisma… the persuasion… the technique… to make a girl interested in us. Why? Because we can. It makes us feel good about ourselves. With me so far?

How many of us, every now and then, are mentally digging an escape tunnel out of our marriages and thinking, mate, you've still got it! And even if you haven't, or never had it, you still dig, right?

So, we are our boundaries guys? Have you used charm that may have harmed?
Do you still? And ... who are we harming? Talk to me - post a thought....

As for me, I am guilty of all of the above. I've wanted to connect in intimate relationships but have pinged back to my place of mistrust a number of times. So maybe my motives were genuine, maybe not, it doesn't negate the fact that I may have drawn women into the inferrence or 'promise' of relationship and then withdrawn. Therein lies the harm. Let's be carefull out there.

The ultimate measure of a man...

".... is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience,
but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy...."

Dr.Martin Luther King, Jr.

The despised

Still processing my new 'reality' but have been feeling great since the course ended at the weekend. Smacked a golf ball around 18 holes yesterday and (deep joy) beat Mark to level the series! Seriously had to hold back some level 5 gloating !!

However, this afternoon someone from my past unexpectedly made contact. I have clearly hurt this person (as have others) and apparently now fit into a category known as 'the despised'. I probably deserve this praise. Saying sorry seemed empty, inadequate and, indeed, was not well received. It is difficult to hear... though [it seems] not as hard as it is for them. I wonder why they emailed? The person I remember was one of the loveliest I knew, and was genuinely there for me.

I hope they have not, or will not, become one of the untouchables whose hearts are hard - unable to trust.

"Just like old Daniel felt(?)" Please... don't become like me.

"You don't know me"

I wrote this down on the 4th October last year - I remembered it this morning. Writing it was my A.A. moment. "Hi, I am Dan, and I have a problem".

"You don't know me
And I don't expect you to.
I hardly know myself
And what I see is little understood.

I realise the Mountain I have to climb
To lose my shackles,
And I'm scared.
Beating the retreat.

Wanting out of this trench,
A lift again out of the pit,
The mire,
Because I'm sinking.

I feel isolated and exposed.
Willing, yet unable to be vulnerable.
Lost in a fog of truth, truly,
As I perceive and deceive in turn.

To my shame
Pretense consoles only momentarily,
Before loathing ushers in.
Who am I kidding? Yeah, me.

Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?
Desperate and afraid,
I grope for freedom,
And the whole of the Moon.

Dare l unfold and to whom,
When I can barely cope as it is?
And who will journey with me?
No one, of course.

Mine is the distinction.
Mine is the depths from which to rise.
Mine is the seam of gold.
What’s mine is yours – still want to know me?"

.

Writing helped me to clarify and own some very strong but confused feelings. The preceding few weeks were as though God, who had been carrying me for a few years, was showing me that I wasn't as sorted as I thought. The next morning the heartache had gone and hasn't returned. I determined to seek help.

A year on, after another weekend of tilling the soil of my childhood, I think perhaps I am starting to know me?

Compelled to Hide?

"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded!

Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."

M. Scott Peck

Another brick in the wall

Today a friend unwittingly directed me to something else that has been bugging me, he wrote/quoted:
""Don't build walls until you know what you are walling out - and what you are walling in?"

I remember being in Toronto in 1994 and catching a bus from the suburbs into the city to watch the Blue Jays and Red Sox play baseball at the Sky Dome. The thing that struck me was that hardly any front gardens had fences.

How often now in this country and others (South Africa and America spring to mind) are housing estates, or individual properties, being built with boundary walls and security gates. What are we afraid of? If there is a very real danger of burglary or even physical attack then is it fair to comment upon the societal issues of the have's and have-nots? Taking from the rich to feed the poor maybe… no, not going there today. This is what I want to say:

I realise I do have walls that keep people out and stuff in. For instance - walling out - following on from yesterday, there are times when I keep people at arms length because to be open and vulnerable is to risk rejection.

Walling in - sometimes I cannot display my emotions (anger, frustration, loneliness, random thoughts, unclear feelings) so I keep them in, because to share them is to risk rejection. Funny…the root is the same - insecurity - right?

Now, I'm not a macho type who wouldn't shed a tear under any circumstances short of my Niagara Falls (slang) being ground through a mangle! However, in the area of personal confrontation, when I should stand up for myself, I have often set aside my concerns because I can't face conflict. There are other reasons for that, but again the assumption I'm making seems to be that "if I stand up for myself you will dismiss me"? I can't trust my thoughts and feelings to you because I can't trust. Therefore I compromise, of sorts. I suppress my feelings ... only to have them fester where they are. Who gains from that?!

So, with this in mind, can I leave you with a question to think about with respect to your nearest and dearest – Can I love you without losing me?

Firing squad

Some first thoughts following my "Learning to Live, Learning to Love" course last Monday and Tuesday....

Felt like I'd been machine gunned after two days of delving into my past. Couldn't write yesterday, just too exhausted. It really has been uncomfortable seeing who I am now in the light of the environment in which I was nurtured. I hadn't realised the EXTENT to which past events, even in the primary care stage (first year), are playing a significant role in my present.

This is mainly around my (in)ability to trust and form intimate relationships. Released to foster care at 8 weeks, first foster home for a few months, another foster home for a few months, then adoption at 8 months. So at least 4 primary carers in my first year of life. No pity needed, mate - just stating the facts.

Friendships aren't so much a problem, but I have realised over the last year that my basic assumption regarding past and potential partners is that they will, and have, walked away from me - sooner or later I'm going to be rejected. No wonder then that I blow hot and cold. I've been told I am "inconsistent" and am beginning to understand why.

I am hoping and praying that the "no pain, no gain" theory is going to pay off in the long run. Even talking to you about it, confessing it if you like, is therapeutic. The process helps to articulate the thoughts and feelings that are whizzing around in my head and heart. Writing some of it down for you seems to bring a realisation of who I am. Making the unconscious conscious.

By 5pm Tuesday I was feeling utterly crap. I was asked to complete a feedback form for the day but couldn't do it. I was out of there. Had a stranger on the street offered me a hug I probably would have grabbed them and held on for a while. I felt totally unloved at that moment. That's not the fault of the program or the people leading it - but the bi-product of some of the 'open heart surgery'.

It leaves me with questions….

• Does it mean I am unlovable? No. But I think it means that my behaviour can make it hard to do so.
• Can I ever trust someone sufficiently to love them unconditionally? I think/hope I could?
• Indeed, would I know unconditional love if it was staring me in the face? Hmmm.... don't know, but hope so.

Will try to share more as I understand more. Dan

ROI

Yeah, did some level 4.5 with Pip over carrot cake this morning! We agree that level 5 is possible on a regular / weekly / frequent basis as, for instance, marriages can model this. In purely friendship terms it still applies. However, if we hope for level 5 while watching Match of the Day at the pub, or in the coffee and donut queue at church, then it may be a struggle.

I was going to add to the list “or on the school run”, but actually I have a good friend, Richard, with whom I walk for about 15 minutes, a few times a week, after dropping our kids, before we go our separate ways. Sometimes we stand and talk for another 15 minutes because we have got into some life stuff. So, I guess, that’s one of the most regular level 5 relationships I have and I really appreciate it, and him.

Appreciate Pip too - his encouragement and willingness to explore feelings. We agreed to meet once a month to catch up and eat carrot cake…errr….level 5!

Met with the men’s group at lunch time - reviewed our summers and where we are now. Great to see everyone again, but missed a few guys who couldn’t be there today.

In conclusion then, accountants will recognise ROI – Return on Investment. Gardeners will know “the grass is greener where you water it”. ‘Nuff said for now?

Some level 5 sharing: I am apprehensive about a course I will be at on Monday and Tuesday. It’s a continuation of my counselling, but in an intense form, with 18 sessions squeezed into 4 days. [Another time I’ll share why I’m there at all]

It’s called “Learning to Live, Learning to Love. We will, apparently, be covering: conflict, self-destructive/reactive patterns from childhood, addictions, respecting self and others, intimacy, managing stress, anger management, breaking the bonds of shame, learning to forgive and developing trust and ...(I quote)... “amongst other life changing skills” !!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend people – won’t be blogging again until Wednesday as I'm on a management away day tomorrow.

Level 5 communication

When I was running a youth group (about 10 years ago), my 'bible' was the “Read this First” section of the Spectacular Stinking Rolling Magazine Book, by Pip Wilson.

I had seen Pip in action a number of times in the 80's, at a Christian Arts Festival called Greenbelt. Pip is a purveyor of personal interaction, personal development and growth and the inter-connectedness of human beings, all of whom are “beautiful”. Pip is part of a group that have met for over 20 years, 2 or 3 times a year, to share their life journeys.

Within that ethos is a level 5 framework - I’ll list the levels another time, but they start and finish with these:

Level 1 is when people talk in clichés – the weather etc (boring small talk)
Level 5 is complete openness in a trusting environment (thoughts/feelings/fears/hopes)

When I met Chris last night it transpired he had heard Pip at Greenbelt over the August Bank Holiday at a seminar about Level 5 stuff. So we discussed whether we had any such relationships, who they are and how they operate - most instructive.

Earlier in August I was helping lead a house party for 11-14 year olds and was involved in the (inevitable) relationships discussion which, by the way, was so popular we had to run twice to keep the groups small enough to allow everyone to participate. One of the key issues for the young people was how often confidences were broken, trust abused, how fickle their ‘friends’ were and how, for so many, they were now getting their revenge in first! I found myself (almost on my soapbox!) saying that, if this cycle was ever to be broken, if they wanted a best friend, they needed to be a best friend. And we talked about what that might look like – ok, it would continue to be risky but what were the options?

You know how when you sound off about something how later it comes back and challenges you (not necessarily for the first time) to consider whether you are a complete hypocrite or actually putting the stuff into practice? Yeah, you guessed it!

I have met with three of my good mates since then, each time for dinner, and have chosen to ask them “what more could I do for you as a friend?” Interesting, no-one has identified anything yet. Which could mean I’m a crap mate and they would prefer not to get involved, or, it might mean that as blokes we are just not wired for level 5? Actually, I don’t believe that – I think we are wired that way but not trained / coached / experienced in it. See my teenage example above. Are their experiences like ours? I think a lot like mine.

I’m fortunate enough to be meeting Pip today for a coffee and have promised to put a question to him from Chris – can people operate at level 5 because you meet only 2/3 times a year, or can those relationships develop and be sustained when you meet frequently, weekly even?

Watch this space….. meanwhile you might like to check out http://www.pipwilson.com/

Avoided the treadmill...

...last night as went to the pub for dinner with my son. We were really there to meet with a group of folks who run a Tuesday night club for years 3, 4, and 5. I'm going to help out because what else would I be doing between 6.30 and 8pm and the inevitable taxi service? Go to the supermarket I suppose! So, might as well join in the fun - there will be about 80 kids there, says Dan, talking to himself - oh, might as well join in the chaos then.

Had a good meeting this morning with a friend responsible for developing Dads + Lads for the YMCA nationally, and a top man from Kingston YMCA who is starting a fab Saturday morning drop in for D+L's. Good to hear/share ideas. We thought about how much of our work requires numerical measurements to detemine success, but how much more important it is to consider relationships in terms of their depth, not in the number we merely pass the time of day with.

So, I'm thinking about the D+L's course coming up. I've put out some feelers about the need to re-write the material for single mums, who might appreciate input on raising boys, to create a new course. Had a long conversation this afternoon about teenage mums and how to work with them on parenting skills (reaching their childs heart) without appearing condescending or critical. Only a tentative way forward identified.

Had a heart wrenching letter from a Dad who appears to have been screwed every which way by his ex, her lawyer and the CSA. Hang in there, Brian. As the Apostle Bono says: "don't let the bastards grind you down".

But also some kind messages about the site - thanks - appreciate it.

Looking forward to seeing a mate of mine for a curry tonight - Chris, my old youth leader. He is pretty old now, but a hero of mine nonetheless! Hopefully we can plumb some depth and try to work out some of our stuff together - we've both had our lows since 1981 and have come through....just about!

Oh no!
I feel a Jerry Springer moment coming on....
So....take care of yourself and.... (if you have a mate like Chris) ..... each other.

Talking to yourself!

Interesting twice in so many days two separate friends have raised talking to yourself! I quote:

"I felt feelings of ............. tension, conflict, and more. Then I relaxed. I named the feelings as I steered the car to Kent ......... naming the feelings is so vital because 'otherwise' we get caught up in the feelings without knowing what they are ...... and how they got in the gut and start twisting life and soul.. ................Attitudes and feelings feed behaviour:- - and I believe we need to search out the source of our behaviour - not just lash ourselves because of our imperfection"

Then at the weekend, a friend who paces the room talking to God. Telling Him what's going on in his mind, his circumstances. Working them through, outloud.

So?

My son started back at school yesterday. That means back to the treadmill after a summer recess. Picking him up by 6pm from after school club, cooking, eating dinner, sorting out the laundry, running the bath, bedtime and a story. All this with barely anytime to play PS2! (currently Shrek 2!)

The treadmill - the pressure I feel at the lowest point of my day - when I'm tired from work and haven't yet eaten - the interruptions that can cause me to explode - "can I have a drink? I'm hungry what's for dinner. Look at this! Dad...come here a minute please".

So, about two months ago I started to have an inner conversation when I feel the pressure growing and the anger rising. But I've only just started. And I'm only just learning. And I'm not good at it yet.

Ring any bells?

(By the way, it would have been my 19th wedding anniversary today, first time around)

'Being Real'

I see there's a day for men at St Paul's Church in Ealing on Saturday 15th October - called 'Being Real'. The speaker is a guy called David White who I think I've heard before and is worth hearing.

Why Blokeology?

Well, I have been reading a mate's blog for a while now (AliC) and occasionally posting some tongue in cheek comments when it occurred that it was unfair to be taking a pop at him when he was prepared to be vulnerable on-line and I wasn't.

Ali has the kids and youth stuff covered - that's his job - so I've pinched his name format to create a canvas for my thoughts on being a bloke.

I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways but then, hey, haven't we all? I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.

I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?

I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?

So.... that's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan