Stepping up, stepping down

Hi Guys

Been really busy. Work and play. Scored a cracking header last Friday night to win the game. Leapt, on the turn, twisted headed down, sending the keeper the wrong way to tuck the ball into the corner. Not bad as it was a 5-a-side goal!

Was running a team of guys providing refreshments for 285 women at a conference on Saturday - lots of fun. Great team so everything ran really smoothly. Long day though, 7.30 to about 5.30.

I was DJ at my friends wedding a few weeks back and they popped in on Tuesday with a present. I thought it would be a CD or something but they bought me a dress watch! I was quite oversome with their generosity. I did however change it yesterday to something more appropriate for everyday wear. So I now have a watch I rally like but couldn't have afforded myself. Haven't worn one for 7/8 years since the last one broke. Oh, it's 9.35 !!!

Dinner with friends on Saturday evening (great curry L) and a family on Sunday at a fav restaurant in Ealing: prawns, ribs, skins, nachos, wings, Peroni, hmmmmm...

Have resigned from a Trust with which I've been involved for four years. I feel drawn in another direction and convinced that I have been doing too many things and not being fully effective in any of them.

It has been both difficult and exciting for me over the years to help get something started (in various ways with different ventures) as I still find it hard to step away, however the work has usually benefited from my absence by going on to greater things! Strange that I should find this so hard with stuff I am involved in 'privately' when this is so much a part of my professional role?

However, the Board has asked me to continue to as a mentor to one of the key staff so I am delighted about that. They met last night - it was odd not to be there - felt like I was bunking off!!

Getting on really well with Ned right now. He asked to share something with me recently and the way he sat me down on the sofa was brilliant! Level 5 ensued and he ended by thanking me for my advice. I stated (for the record) that I might not always be able to give advice, as I might not know what to do, but would always be there to listen and support him. I loved the moment. I love being a dad.

He will be at Buckingham Palace tomorrow with his mum who is receiving a medal for services to our Government and country. I hope they have a great day.

So, a bunch of random thoughts. Gonna try 5 words now to describe how I am feeling:

Weary
Eager
Light headed
Apprehensive
Hopeful

Have an afternoons training today as I continue my Certificate in Communication and Counselling skills - looking forward to it but the course is always challenging and I think we may be looking at my journal which I submitted last time. Gulp! "What's mine is yours, still want to know me?"

"Oh thou who lovest me, set love in order in my life" Augustine. TTFN xx

Oh my word!

Another football quote: Stuart Pearce, Manager of Man City FC:

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel!"

The genius of the TV commentator

Thanks to my good friend Mohamad Al Bazzer for sending these which are mostly concern the noble Olympian sports of Snooker & Darts:

"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."

"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."

"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed"

"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"He is as slick as minestrone soup"

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"

"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"

"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."

"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookies and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."

"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

"I've got two words for you - former world champion."

"This is his last Tango in Paris... and now it's goodnight Vienna."

The Yacoubian Building

I went to see this on Saturday with a couple of friends who both had worked in Egypt as tour leaders. The film is based on the controversial bestselling novel by Alaa El-Aswani that features a variety of Egyptian characters who are residents of a downtown Cairo apartment block - lawyer, porter, gay journalist and poorer families who literally live on the roof, etc. The lives of these seemingly disparate group of individuals hurtle towards each other with fateful consequences. Tackling everything from Islamic fundamentalism to homosexuality and corruption, the film was a cause célèbre on its release in Egypt where it proceeded to smash box office records and spark unprecedented debate.

One critic wrote: I do not lie when I say I am still drowning in thoughts about the most beautiful movie I have to date seen. My God. I was emotionally exhausted, beyond impressed, made to laugh, cry, ponder, miss, sympathize, resent, and love.. all within minutes of each other. A slap in the face than a tickle. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic but the impact it has on me is enormous. I am overwhelmed with feelings of appreciation, joy, and respect for such a work and admire the boldness and courage it took to pull all of it together. What an eye opener. The accuracy.. The contrast.. The shocks..

This is a great movie, described very ably above, and wonderfully translated through subtitles for those of us who speak neither Arabic nor Egyptian!

The film was shown as part of the BFI's London Film Festival at the Odeon Leicester Square - this was the debut in the UK with the Director (only 27 years old) and Producer present for an audience Q&A afterwards. See the film if you can.

Doing the right thing

Was just checking my bank account on-line and a pop up screen asked "Do you like Tony Blair: yes or no? Enter and get a Free* laptop."

Did you notice the fundamental flaw in the last line?

Yes, indeed, it is the asterisk after free - don't believe it!!

I heard Jim Wallis over the Bank Holiday weekend talking at a seminar called "you say tomata, I say tomato" about the 'special relationship'. In fact he spoke more frankly than the answer he had given to a question I raised with him at the Institute of Contemporary Christianity in March. Jim felt that Britain's role in support of the US intentions for Iraq meant that the world perception of the UK is the we are seen as a little tomata - I have to agree.

I heard a speaker recently talking about terrorism for around 45 minutes. I heard him in August as well at two seminars totalling three hours: Major General Tim Cross. Check out his CV online - he is a most distinguished and humble man. His seminars, on the same topic, were the most articulate I have heard on any subject, anytime, anywhere. He was speaking just after the media storm over comments on the Iraq situation made by General Sir Richard Dannatt, the new Chief of the General Staff. Reading reaction to his statement on the military websites, our armed forces seem delighted to be appropriately represented at last, indeed positive comments were posted from around the world to the newspaper websites.

The media is turning its attention to the election of the next US President - we know it won't be Bush. Meanwhile I have a horrible feeling that Blair is not going to do anything significant over Iraq that would undermine his initial decision to support the invasion, but will leave that to his predecessor. We will see.

Hilary Benn was incredible on Radio Four this morning as John Humphries interviewed him from Iraq about the state of that nation. He quite reasonably and frankly gave an honest, real and believable picture of the grim situation, without the glib spin.

Shortly afterwards Canon Andrew White based in Baghdad described how he had just returned from the Pentagon where he was discussing how the key religious / sectarian leaders might be engaged in dialogue - he rightly and bluntly stated that it was years too late for the US to have woken up to that, despite his best efforts at the time.

I spotted this quote today - rings true I think:

Politics is a jungle: torn between doing the right thing and staying in office. John F. Kennedy

We should never have gone in to Iraq in my view. Tim Cross's analogy, incidentally quoted by Max Hastings in the Daily Mail, compares President Bush's recent demand for $50billion of new money for Iraq with 'the addicted Irish gambler who wrote home at the end of another long day at the race course, "Everything going well; send more money".'

How we get out and when, I don't know. With guys like Dannatt, Cross, White and Benn around I have hope that the future may be a bit brighter for all concerned, especially the people of Iraq.

We can only pray.

Freedom...

Saw this quote from a movie (Ali*brandi) - don't know the context but liked it:

If I could be anything but what I am, I would be tomorrow.
If I could be what my father wants me to be, then maybe I could stay for that, too. If I could be what you want me to be, I'd want to stay. But I am what I am, and all I want is freedom.

Offensive prayer

Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people.

When Rev Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.

We have abused power and called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbour's possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.

No pain, no gain?

It's two years on (4/10/04) since I wrote this poem to myself:

"You don't know me
And I don't expect you to.
I hardly know myself
And what I see is little understood.

I realise the Mountain I have to climb
To lose my shackles,
And I'm scared.
Beating the retreat.

Wanting out of this trench,
A lift again out of the pit,
The mire,
Because I'm sinking.

I feel isolated and exposed.
Willing, yet unable to be vulnerable.
Lost in a fog of truth, truly,
As I perceive and deceive in turn.

To my shame
Pretense consoles only momentarily,
Before loathing ushers in.
Who am I kidding? Yeah, me.

Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?
Desperate and afraid,
I grope for freedom,
And the whole of the Moon.

Dare I unfold and to whom,
When I can barely cope as it is?
And who will journey with me?
No one, of course.

Mine is the distinction.
Mine is the depths from which to rise.
Mine is the seam of gold.
What’s mine is yours – still want to know me?"

It's good to look back - I did the same in September when I first began to blog - you can check that out in the archives - and know how far I have travelled :o)

The line about pain has come up in conversation often - "Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?"

Sometimes we feel pain acutely (whether it be physical, emotional or psychological) and other times we are anaesthetised to our own pain - we erect barriers or develop techniques to ignore it.

For instance, once in a while I feel terribly ill with headache /stomach ache and realise that I have been working and playing too hard without sufficient rest. I am forced to bed because I feel so awful.

But in recent times, as I travel back and forth through my history, I realise that issues have lain dormant within the foundations of my soul. Mining those brings new experiences of pain, but also of release and healing. No pain, no gain - you bet!

I believe that times of evaluation and questioning (such as mid-life crisis, significant birthdays / events etc) are when we consider our lives to date and know we want the next half, or 5 / 10 / 20 years to be different... better? I hope to encourage you and others to seize moments of revelation, when they trot by, to look at your 'stuff'.

The choice comes when we (you!) have to work out what to do next to effect change?

"And who will journey with me? No one, of course."

That's not to say that others won't be supportive, but there isn't another person that can travel my road (like we could hire someone to do it for us!) only I can. That journey is distinctly and uniquely mine. Only I can refine gold from the rockiness of my past and discover the 'me' that was meant to be.

Taboo Rage

Been pondering this post for a couple of weeks. Haven't really got my thinking clear on it, but I figured I should type away and see what flows, so please forgive me for being hazy or inarticulate....

Anger. Rage. Spot the difference:

Rage (emotion), an extreme, energized usually explosive state of anger;

You won't know that there are times when I go from 0-60 on the rage scale for no apparent reason ... yet there must be a reason?

I have come to think of my mum's temper as volcanic - it wasn't if she would explode, but when. I realised recently that there are times when my outbursts are mirror images of her - how does that work?

I tried to check that out... it seems that maybe it is not that I replicate my mother, or have learnt that is the way to do anger (though there is something in that), but that the balance of parenting and interaction between them has influenced me. What does that mean?

Well, I think that a dominant maternal figure (wearing the trousers!) left me, the boy-child, confused about roles. I certainly felt without protection when I needed it - injustices with minor pecadillos causing a massive response from my mum, with inevitable punishment disproportionate to the apparent offence - this would include verbal and physical abuse, but also psychological torment too. The "wait 'til your father gets home" scenario hung over us, though actually offered hope because I think my sister and I both saw dad as the more reasonable and objective, however he tended to side with mum, probably to avoid bearing the brunt himself, though I guess (as I write) he may have felt that he was being a supportive husband? Nonetheless I wonder what I harbour towards my parents for being so overbearing, to put it mildly.

So, it occurred to me how much anger / rage around our children is such a taboo subject. They often tend to be around when we blow.

The problem is with us, the adult, and the unmet need that vents at times of stress, tiredness, loneliness. I have been in conversations about this lately. It has felt hugely risky to raise it, but it is reassuring that others have, or have had, similar struggles. My observation is the extent to which these issues literally remain behind closed doors.

The scary thing for me is that Ned is usually the one around when I blow. I have been working on some 'tools' that will help me to recognise the feelings as they rise and then to find an appropriate and healthy way to soothe them. And it is helpful for me to share this stuff - it helps me to acknowledge it and own the fact, and to determine to continue to work it out.

I asked him a week ago on Sunday night (when we were having one of our late night chats - we often do level 5 when one or both of us can't sleep): "Is there anything I do that upsets you, Ned?"

He thought for a few seconds and mentioned an evening a fortnight before that when we had a choice of things we could do and, in this particular moment, I hadn't appreciated his preference and been grumpy about it!!

I realised that 'grumpy' was rage on my inside, but I had at least kept a lid on it at the time, but he still noticed and remembered.

It was a cool moment as we talked and resolved that flashpoint and how we might do stuff together differently - we have had some fun times since deciding together what we do and when, which mostly means I play what he wants to, but the process of compromise is good for both of us I think! :o)

Do you experience rage?
Do you have a friend/someone you could share with?
Where can you find support to explore the underlying feelings?
Would it help to leave an anonymous post?
Can you give me any advice?!!

Thanks for listening xx

Nothing but ...

I love a lot of Woody Allen's movies. Annie Hall is one of my favs and it was making me laugh at the weekend. One bit made me roar anew: he is dating a 17 year old (interesting as it later turned out in reality).

She says to him: Dont you have feelings for me?

Reply: I have nothing but feelings for you.

Grasping the nettle

Was chatting to a mate on Sunday who chose to report a colleague for alcohol abuse.

The colleague had been part of the relief effort following the Tsunami. On his return he requested counselling from his employer who refused. He was increasingly struggling to come to terms with what he saw in Asia and turned to alcohol as an escape.

This went unnoticed for months as the man was drinking aftershave to cover the smell on his breath (Ed - I had never heard that before and am still slightly stunned)

My mate noticed and chose to jeopordise their relationship by informing a senior who took the matter on. He is now receiving the help he wanted, and is truly grateful that someone stuck their neck out for him to. A member of HR is being disciplined.

Grasping the nettle. Not easy. Risky. But worth it. Well done big man

To an adopted child

RECEIVED THIS ON EMAIL THIS WEEK - love that someone took the time to write:

When I listened to your testimony on Father's Day, I was really sad that you felt the way you did because you were adopted. Being adopted myself, I had years of mixed emotions, ranging from absolute bitterness and rage, to the deepest love for my adopted mother and father. It probably helped that I met my birth mother, who turned out to be very shallow and only interested in herself. However, by meeting my birth mother, I realised that my adopted mother was my true mother as she loved me from the moment she set eyes on me.

This poem also helped me in my deepest times of despair, because it is about the deep love that an adopted mother feels for her baby. I hope it brings you the same comfort. Depending on how I am feeling when I read it, it still normally reduces me to tears.

'To an adopted child'

Dear, do not weep. By every act of mine
I am your mother...by my sleeples nights,
By every step in the long days's design
That I have taken, by the sweet delights
Of your blessed companionship, by the clear gaze,
By all my care in your begining days,
Your warm, soft body held against my breast
Warmed me and dried my disappointed tears,
You made a real home of our lonely nest.
Now we look forward to the fruitful years
With you beside us bearing in your hands
The love that every mother heart demands.
I am your mother, though you may not be
Flesh of my flesh. Our love goes deeper still.
You are my heart's adopted part of me.
I am your mother by the power of will.
Because I did not want to walk alone......
From the whole world, I chose you for my own.

Anne Campbell - author

My favourite line is 'you are my heart's adopted part of me'.

To me, that line is so powerful of the love the mother feels towards her baby. That strength of love, is the same love that I felt for my 2 girls when they were born. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Never gonna change

I kinda like the fact that I get told off for not blogging!

I was informed yesterday that someone 'wastes' two seconds of every day clicking my way to see if I've blogged. And that someone they know, but I don't, checks things out and was wondering what I was up to! Phew - no pressure!!

As you can see from the blog beneath I've been non-stop. Sorry. Please don't give up on me.

Saw a good mate last night and we do level 5 together. He hasn't given up on someone who had said to him "we're never gonna change". My take on the context being - this is how it is - take it or leave it - don't expect anything different than how its been for years - you're not going to influence anything in our lives.

This struck me as incredibly hard. Hard to hear, but also hard to say.

I may disappear up my own arse on occasions (as mentioned by a mate some months back!) but its the journey I'm on. Moving. Forward. Learning. Stumbling. Backwards. Falling. Getting back up. Challenge. Change. Revision. Pain. Achievement. Satisfaction. Growth... I hope. I think. I believe.

What is there in my life that is never gonna change. I wonder?

I am experiencing new things right now. Some of that is about "grasping the risk" I think? I am learning about care and being cared about. Told I am loveable. Hearing I am love-able. Feels great. Hopeful. :o)

What is there in your life that is never gonna change. Do you wonder?

I love my job! :o)

I have spent over a year working on a housing scheme for homeless people in West London. Not that I undertake any of the construction work myself, but I project manage the thing from concept to opening.

The scheme provides 10 additional self-contained studio flats in an annexe / extension to the existing building, and these are intended for young homeless people who are more independent than those living in the Phase I bedsits. The new wing gives the guys potential to move from Phase I into Phase II.

Additionally there is a residents lounge, IT suite, laundry, interview room, with the relocation of the office (with a small kitchen area) and staff to a new secure reception. Two flats and the communal areas will be designed to support clients with sensory impairment.

Last Monday we should have received the keys from the Building Contractor (following delays in June and August) and I had a timetable to prepare the flats and common areas for residence. This would include placing in the rooms: beds and bedding, all the furniture, curtains / blinds, office equipment, kitting out the kitchens with everything normally found in a kitchen, and so on. It's like moving flat 10 times in 6 days!

However, my week has 'gone pear-shaped' for a variety of reasons, but overall because not a single contractor has meet the agreed deadlines so far. Grrrrrrrr....

I have tried to manage my frustration, irritation and incredulity at the incompetence of some organisations to deliver on their commitments. I have had extremes of peace and calm, when I managed very well I think, and private despair!

Now looking at a final date of Friday next week.... maybe... if everyone does what they should. I love my job! :o)

Grasping the risk

Today is 21/9 - I read the above recently and posted it as a draft ready to blog as I didn't have time to comment on 15th - can barely remember where I picked it up (probably Pip's blog... http://pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com/...) nor even what I was gonna say!!!

Maybe it's just for you...unadulterated by comment from me?

So often we build prisons for ourselves. We blame others for our confines, but it us who constrict ourselves all along. Most of the walls in our lives we build ourselves.

But sometimes, just once in a while, we get a glimpse of the infinity of the universe and know that God is at work. That's when we must choose to stay in the prison or grasp the risk

John Donaghue (from 'Anam Cara').

9/11 - Five years on

I watched an amazing film documentary on Saturday night about a 3-man camera crew following a rookie fire-fighter as he graduated from the Training Academy to being posted to a Fire Station. The footage began in June 2001 and showed life behind the scenes and how he (Tony) fared in the early days. What was striking, as we saw footage from the summer months, was the camaraderie between the guys in the battalion, their commitment to training and professionalism, and how they felt they were contributing to society.

In the early morning of Tuesday 11th September a unit was called out to attend a gas leak. One of the film crew (one of two brothers [who were French]) was, as usual, present. The job was just about resolved when they heard an airplane, flying low, pass over them. The camera man panned left and upwards to focus on the jet, just before it hit the World Trade Centre.

The programme from there on was incredible, as the events unfolded, and very moving.

That anyone should have been filming as the first plan hit the WTC was unbelievable, but the camera man followed the crew into the lobby and continued to shoot as the attempted 'rescue' mission unfolded. We witnessed the fire-fighters at the command post try to grapple with the situation and respond appropriately. We met briefly the first recorded casualty - the Chaplain, pacing the lobby, praying.

We heard crashes from outside, loud enough to be picked up by the camera mic inside the building, that were, it transpired, people jumping from the upper floors as the fire raged where the airplanes fuel had ignited - you will remember the terrible smoke pouring from the tower.

The action switched between the lobby (of tower 1) and the other brother who was trying to get to the scene and was, also, still filming. So we had two views of the second plan hitting the other tower.

Later, as the second tower collapsed into a mound of rubble we, as all in the lobby did, heard and 'felt' the rumble as the foundations shattered and concrete descended. Everyone ran.

In the street they ran too. The camera continued to record even as the cameraman was tackled by a fireman from behind to save him from the tidal wave of debris - we saw clouds of dust and grime breaking across the pavement, papers from the former offices sticking and blowing away from the lens... It must have lasted a couple of minutes.

It is miraculous that such a record exists. Perhaps more so that none of the Battalion from that Station lost a life. Though the Chief's brother lost his.

Often the horror and the drama of an event is portrayed in theatrical mode - not so here. This was live footage, later mixed with interviews. Stunning. One officer, who retired six months later, shared that he thinks about 9/11 everyday.

I wrote a poem on 17/09/01 with the comment: Moved by, and a reflection on, recent global events. I haven't thought about this poem for years - I print it here for you now, though I am pondering whether it was a valid comment for then, or for now? What do you think?

-------------------------------------
Tears weigh heavy on my heart
-------------------------------------

When I think of all the life wasted,
Not here by famine or flood.
By some who took it so easy jet.
And look at your hands - is that blood?

Why do we cry now so freely?
With tears, for injustice; in pain.
I sense the moment surreally,
My senses doused andinflamedd just the same.

I wonder quite how we arrived here?
For we the High way was long.
Our carriage decidedly comfy?
We were much too alright to see wrong.

Afar the thousands pass through,
This world, in a moment alone.
Not wished for by us, that's true.
But if we could change it - wouldn't you?

So where do we queue and whom do we call?
To amend the worldly constitution.
There is nowhere perhaps, except the "I will",
To pass a new resolution.

Come the next chance to alter the course,
Of the path that we walk everyday.
Don't add or subtract, duck or detour,
When the traffic is coming your way.

For we had no idea,
Of suffering that's clear.
When ours is minutely...theirs secondly.
The multiple for many more dear.

Shall we still, wash our hands,
Or our neighbours feet,
Consider each soul as a grain of sand?
Thus, in time, who knows where next we'll meet?

Wait! "Someone must pay!"
What again; not again. Evermore?
Why can't we dismount this cycle?
Forgiveness would even the score.

History notes: one man resolved with His breath.
Settled the wages of war, and of death.
Be not liable for investment in stealth. Instead,
Share the dividend. Lives saved. Oh wealth!

So today may our voices be yelled,
Against global revenge and spillage.
Or the hope that tomorrow held,
May never shake, as yesterdays city nee Village.

Am I....

... loveable?

It seems to me that this is one of the defining questions of our lives.
How we answer will shape much of our behaviour, whether we perceive it or not. The answer will shape what we do and how we act, intentionally or subconsciously. Moreover, that will determine the answer to this question: "Am I love-able?"

Ask yourself (you may want to reflect on your initial response):

Am I loveable?

Am I love-able?

Redemption Songs - Greenbelt 06

This Poem/Prayer was written by Martin Wroe for the moment Greenbelt opened on Friday. I only got to read it later when Pip showed it to me as he was blogging (see http://pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com/) and think it's amazing - love the way Marley and Micah are woven together. Met Martin briefly on Monday but it was just before Pete Rollins so no time to say thanks.

Redemption Song for Greenbelt 06

We are not on our own this weekend
We are together
We are not singing solo
We are a massed choir
We are not singing songs for ourselves
We are singing songs for each other
Songs of freedom
Because none of us is free
Until all of us are free
Songs of hope
About a movement of Jah people
Away from a land of war and greed
Away from a world policed by soldiers
From the heart of America
We are going to Exodus land
Where the song of redemption
Is not just for ourselves
But for our sisters and brothers in every country

Redemption songs
From South Africa to the Lebanon
From the Middle East to middle England
From the West Wing to the West Bank
From the House of Commons to the House of Big Brother
Songs of freedom, anthems of liberation
At Greenbelt 06
The sweet melody of emancipation
To hear how the hand of the Almighty
Can free this world from mental slavery
From physical slavery,
From emotional, political and economic slavery
From the slavery of the self
Into the freedom of Love
The freedom of Truth
Who will set us free
Give us your help good Lord
To sing these songs of freedom
We want to be
One Love, One Heart
We want to
Get together and feel alright
Cus way down inside us
And way out beyond us
All we ever knew was redemption songs
Songs of freedom Redemption songs
Redemption to what we were made for
Dreamed for
Loved into being for
Redemption from slavery and drudgery
From envy and vanity
Redemption from materialism and consumerism
From sectarianism, pessimism and
Loony fundamentalism

Redemption Songs
Where all of us are free
Where we can
Get up, Stand up,
Stand up for the rights
Of the people that Jesus Christ remembers
Even if everyone else forgets them
A song of Redemption in the poor world
From slavery to the rich world
A song of redemption in the rich world
From slavery to false dreams
We want to hear how the hand of the Almighty
Can free this world from mental slavery
We want to
Get up, Stand up
And not give up the fight
A song about a world where
No woman, no man, no child
Does no crying no more
A song of redemption where all people choose to
Do justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly and
Live generously
On the good earth
You have
Loaned us
A song of freedom from addiction
To substances which are choking our planet to death
A song of redemption where
Every little thing’s gonna be alright
A song saying thanks and praise to the Lord
And we will feel alright
Saying let’s get together and feel alright
Cus our hands will be made strong
by the hand of the Almighty
All we ever had

Redemption Songs
Won’t you help to sing these songs of freedom
All we ever had
Redemption songs
One love, one heart
Let’s get together and feel alright
Give thanks and praise to the lord
And it will be alright
Give thanks and praise to the lord
Cus all we ever had was songs of freedoms
Redemption songs

5 more words, 2 more songs, and a hymn of thanks

Let's do this....

1. tired
2. unsettled
3. restless
4. thoughtful (but process murky!)
5. lonely

Two more slow grooves to curdle your soul and your tonsils:

The Thrill is Gone - B.B. King
Ball and Chain - Big Mama Thornton

Popped into see Ned on the way home from Greenbelt, Cheltenham, last night. Hadn't seen him for 10 days. His mom called him from the 3rd floor bedroom. He came pounding down the stairs, ran down the hall and threw himself at me.

Reminds me of a question Claudia asked me Saturday night - what was the most important lesson I had learnt as a dad the last five years. I admit it took me a few minutes to answer and rather tentatively I offerred the power of love - particularly that I find in, and for, and from my son.

And,
as I dwell on that now,
unconditional love.
Charges at you after a time of separation.
Kisses your forehead as you awake to a new day.
Buys you a present on holiday.
Insists on spending entire pocket money, on Father's Day,
to buy England memorabilia for the World Cup.
That wants to just sit,
play a game,
or read a book,
simply to be together.

6. Dan - you lucky, lucky bastard

"Frankie says, no more"

Finally I have got around to blogging again. Probably to an audience of one now (me!) as you've given up checking.

Funny how things ground to a halt over the World Cup! Have been mega busy since - will try to fill in the gaps later - was at the Greenbelt Arts Festival over the weekend so gonna start there.

Was managing a seminar and talk venue (Sovereign). I really enjoy doing this venue - the programme changed from last year so I got to stay put, but see some different stuff:

FRIDAY
Bill Drummond (ex KLF art-ironist) - session ran 2.5 hours until midnight [called "The 17"] open to only the first 34 people! Closed, no spectators. Bill explained his thought processes and why he thinks music needs to start again. Fascinating concept - what if there were no music? We could recall that there used to be, and that it was important to us, but that was all. What would we do? Bill had an option....

SATURDAY
Claudia May - What Christians can learn from the blues. A really interesting woman who delivered a thought-provoking talk with some fab CD clips from Big Mama Thornton. Caught up with Claudia in the Contributors lounge late in the evening and we slipped into level 4.5 real quick. Loved chatting over a mug of tea and noodles!

Harold Hoyle
Religious education painful? Not anymore. Was busy / distracted for much of the session, but liked this guy who works with kids or on the edges of society, excluded, or in prison.

Born Again - with Glen Patterson, the author/reason behind the film/documentary, introduced by Gareth Higgins. Most of the session was a Q&A between Gareth and Glen as the latter forgot to bring the film on DVD! Nonetheless it was an absorbing discussion about the term "Born Again" and what it means to different people. Glen professes no Christian faith now - would have liked to see the DVD as the anecdotes ranged from hilarious to big-time cringe. Glen had some disturbing insights about religion / faith / sectarianism and people who confess conversion experiences.

Life Art - featuring a naked man and 27 artists keen to sketch him! Saw lots of the drawings afterwards and they were very good. Wish I had that gift.

[Glad to have been introduced to Ian Long (artist behind the 'Blobs') by Pip Wilson earlier in the day and strike a conversation as squeezing this session into the schedule was problematic. I don't think any of the punters were any the wiser and I was able to thank Ian for the Dads + Lads blob drawing so that's cool !!]

SUNDAY
Michael Symmons Roberts - Bodies, loved and wounded, dead and risen. Michael is a poet and he read his work for about 45 minutes - it was excellent and I thoroughly enjoyed hearing it. Meant to get to the bookshop to buy his book but bumped into an old friend and settled for a brew instead.

Ibrahim Hewitt - From mission hall to mosque: a journey of faith. A Geordie, this man converted to Islam and told his story to a packed, respectful audience. I was impressed with his narrative and reflections on being a British Muslim. May God / Allah bless him (may His name be praised).

Jean-Claude Bragard and Anna Cox - these guys are the producers of the series shown on BBC1 in July "Miracles of Jesus". I saw some on TV, but not much, so was glad to see 4 clips from it which brought informed debate and feedback. This session was typical of one that I would not chose to go to but was glad I was there to hear the issues around broadcasting religious programmes. This department is responsible for Songs of Praise, the Heaven and Earth show, Son of God on BBC1 and Noah's Ark on BBC2 and more. Similarly on:

MONDAY
Christina Morgan and Trevor Barnes - Religion on radio. These guys have been involved with BBC Radio for decades between them, and involved with (as I recall) Thought for the Day and Beyond Belief on Radio 4 amongst many other programmes etc. The delicacies of trying to position debate and draw articulate contributions from all faith communitiess was well conveyed when the 'facts' (truth?) are so highly emotive and open to broad interpretation and application.

I just looked at the BBC's website on religion where they have a comments section for different faiths. Gob smacked how often listeners are posting on this site, but then at some point Trevor quoted someone as saying "religion is the new history". http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbreligion/

Pete Rollins - The fidelity of betrayal: what would Judas do? Another session with people turned away. A few shenanigans (!!!) as we tried to switch venue at the last moment to try to accommodate everyone, however a downpour put paid to that. Pete was quite a guy - about 30 (?), from Northern Ireland, involved with Icon (sounded like an alternative worship thing [won't say emerging though, Pete, in case you ever read this!!!] exploring faith and worship through questions rather than providing answers - my interpretation of what I heard!).

Pete talked at a million miles an hour (much to the chagrin of the deaf signers!) and had an impressive grasp of theology and philosophy that he conveyed thoughtfully and provocatively in relation to his subject, which I just about kept up with, maybe, I couldn't tell you much more of what he said! He drew the youngest, coolest support of the weekend and told a couple of the best jokes I've heard in ages!

Vic Thiessen - I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Taking his title from Apocalypse Now, Vic spoke on Redemptive Violence in Cinema - good stuff, good DVD clips. He did well juggling the technology!

So there, that was my 'day job' at the weekend. Loved it :o)

Football quotes

Have seen or received these via a couple or sources today. Enjoy:

''My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry

5 more words + 2 more songs

Realised that I am having some backlash from speaking Sunday (and perhaps my blog here on Friday?) - have spent lots of time on the PS2 over last two nights - last being 3am

1. Escaping
2. Weary (there's a surprise!)
3. Numb
4. Unfocussed
5. Uneasy

Don't feel entirely downcast as I think about this. Guess it's a short term coping mechanism which has slightly crept up on me, but feels ok to have spotted it. What else might I have done? PS2 is a filthy habit, but there are worse!! It is, or can be, addictive however.

Ned left his current game at his mum's place at the weekend and has decided not to play this week - so far so good - and it's great to see him tuning out of it - he's a better man than me at times!!!

Helpful to blog as the feelings were felt. TTFN x

Oh, and two more beautiful songs:

• Mabe tomorrow - Stereophonics
• I want you back for good - Take That

Belly up

Saw this today on http://www.youthblog.org/ which I read occasionally - this first one made me belly laugh!

DAV1NC1 C0DE
A Theologian was asked by Radio 4 to comment on the book and his reply was rather dismissive, consisting merely of, "Did you ask a marine Biologist to comment on Finding Nemo?"

Second, Tom Hanks when asked if he and his wife had any qualms about the story. His reply, "No, absolutely not. My heritage, and that of my wife, suggests that our sins have been taken away, not our brains."

High Hopes

Indeed it was a cracking weekend - work, rest and play!

Enjoying the World Cup - job done by England last night to win the group undefeated. Plenty of folks bemoaning that, which I don't understand. I think we have played ok - the standard of the lesser teams is certainly improving, and they seem to have less fear than in past tournaments. The aim of many teams, ours too, used to be secure a draw, then another, and hope to snatch a victory to qualify. Therefore the football in Germany has been much more open I think.

Pleased to share some of my story twice in church on Sunday - haven't had a backlash personally or felt insecure about doing it. People seemed receptive to the service with a couple in tears over my bit - seemed to touch a nerve and I will try to follow up with them. I did get a few hugs too, one from a bear of a man who is 6' 6" - felt in danger for my life! Nonetheless a touching and surprising moment in public.

I do feel called to use my past experiences to be real like that and hopefully to open a window for others to receive God's love and healing - goodness knows I need it!

P.S. wanna check out the England v Paraguay event we ran @ St Paul's? See http://www.christiansinsport.org.uk/

Zippin' up my boots...

... going back to my roots (Odyssey - circa 1979?) in case you wondered why I am quoting a pyschologist below and talking about discovering who I am! See my last two posts.

My first year was thus: given up for adoption at 8 weeks. In a foster home. In another foster home. Adopted at 8 months.

My son said to me at the weekend "so Dad, you were an orphan." I never called myself that before. We talked and I was able to tell him that I now know who my birth mum is and that he has met her.

"Oh" he said!

Thanks J for bringing me into the world - I am truly thankful :o)

My life isn't big news in the global village in which we live, but it's important to me! And to my God. I will saying a little about my story this Sunday in church for Father's Day. Putting together some car chase DVD action for the big screens and base-busting tunes to back that up. There'll be a couple of motorbikes on stage too! No stereotyping here!!!!!!

So, bring on the weekend... football, breakfast with a friend, beers with a mate, landscape gardening, Hanwell carnival and some sun-baked chillin' too I hope. Love ya.

Stage 1

ER1KS0N'S 8 stages of life - his theory states that the needs of the psyche (mind) must be met or imbalance will occur. The basic pycychological needs during the 8 stages are:

• Acceptance and Accomplishment

The first stage is the first year of life and the need is for acceptance.

In early infancy we learn trust or mistrust. We either gain a balance between trust and the risk of being let down, or are suspicious, mustrustful and unable to relate fully to others.

Babies have one way of communicating - they cry - for food (hunger), attention (love / security / bonding) or in pain (relief / comfort).

The important event in the birth to one year old stage is feeding.

According to Erikson, an infant will develop a sense of trust only if the parent or care-giver is responsive and consistent with the basic needs being met. The need for care and food must be met with comforting regularity. The infant must first form a trusting relationship with the parent or caregiver, otherwise a sense of mistrust will develop.

Elements for a positive outcome:

• The infant's need for care, familiarity, comfort and nourishment are met.
• Parental consistency and responsiveness is essential for trust to develop.

Elements for a negative outcome:

• Babies who are not securely attached to their mothers are less cooperative and more aggressive in their interactions with their mothers.
• As they grow older, they become less competent and sympathetic with peers. They also explore their environment with less enthusiasm and persistence.

Examples: Babies will begin to understand that objects and people exist even when they cannot see them. This is where trust becomes important.

Up, up and away

Well, I am pleased to say that the depression experienced last week was temporary and lifted over the weekend. I feel fine again now. Strange that an anniversary that has barely registered with me over so many years affected me so?

I guess it is related to the counselling work I am undertaking and not only thinking but feeling much more about how I am with 'stuff' and how it affects me.

I am developing a greated perception not only of who I was (how my behaviour was defined by mistrust, suspicion, an inability to receive love and an uncanny knack of rejecting love), but also who I AM.

Some don't understand at all that I was ignorant of my emotions. It has left me open to accusations which haven't been pleasant.

Not out of the woods yet - still a long way to travel on this journey - but I'm sure that I would rather be on this path than any other. Complete healing may be far away, but that's where I'm headed :o)

Heart of kindness

Was out of the office yesterday at a Dads + Lads conference. In the afternoon I had been asked to present two workshops highlighting my program and how it runs.

I introduced myself, part of which was to state my aim as a parent - to reach my sons heart.

Can you imagine my pride and pleasure when last week Ned came home with a school certificate for outstanding achievement, awarded for "the kindness he always shows to others" :o)

Closing remarks...

... as the week ends... Been a difficult one emotionally - been in a pit for reasons explored beneath, (Out of sorts? + Jury still out), but still not fully discerned.

Feeling on the up now, especially going into the weekend: football and 3 Peaks reunion tonight (see below).

England's World Cup starts tomorrow. Come on England!

Sunday - receiving my graduation certificate and then to the pub for lunch with my course mates and their families.

Ned home too and looking forward to referee-ing his friends 8th birthday football party. Hopefully with now sending offs this time!!

Moreover, I have had many encouraging comments this week from you guys.

For you, and others, those who prayed for me - thanks. I really appreciate it.

Hope it wasn't too excruciating to read of my struggles. If you don't experience that yourself - thank God! If you do, and could relate, hope you were reminded you're not alone. Love ya. xox

3 Peaks - first anniversary

A year ago this weekend a group of 9 mates and I undertook the Three Peaks Challenge - to climb Ben Nevis, Scarfell Pike & Snowdon in 24 hours or under - supported by 2 guys who drove / cooked for us.

The reason? In 2004 we shared a journey through cancer with a very special lad. Ed, aged 19, died on 22nd January 2005.

We wanted to do something for teenagers who suffer in this way. We aimed to raise £10,000 for the Teenage Cancer Trust - we raised £15,000 - completing the task on 23 hours, 17 minutes.

Tonight we will be celebrating the pleasure, the pain and the comraderie of the Challenge with a curry, and raising a glass of beer in fond memory of our friend, Ed - missed but not forgotten.

You can check out the highs and lows of our 3 peaks by clicking here:

Video: http://s117403556.websitehome.co.uk/Lists/Announcements/DispForm.aspx?ID=12

Photos: http://s117403556.websitehome.co.uk/3%20Peaks%20Challenge/Forms/AllItems.aspx

You can spot me sporting shades, a fetching stubble, and (usually) a wide-brimmed hat, or a woolly one with my IQ on it !! :o)

England v Brasil :o)

It is just before the England v Brasil match.

Ronaldinho goes into the Brasilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be bothered.

"Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down the bierkeller."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself, and the rest of the Brasilian team go off for a few steins.

After a couple they wonder how the game is going, so they ask mine host to check teletext. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brasil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few lagers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put teletext back on."Result from the Stadium 'Brasil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 mins) - England 1 (Lampard 89 mins)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands weeping inconsolably. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be loco, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 72 minutes."

Jury still out

Feeling crap again today and still haven't put a finger on why. My 10 year anniversary would have been on Thursday and, while I don't think that's the main thing, it may be contributing?

Have been apart (and now divorced) longer than we were together, but who knows how these things work? I know I don't have any yearning at all to go back into that relationship, which didn't benefit me a great deal (!!!) but, having mentioned loneliness yesterday, guess that I am feeling bereft of a soul mate - on my own now 5 years. :o(

However, having a confusing time thinking about a lady with whom I was friends a couple of years ago - a truly wonderful woman. She was really keen on me but I couldn't reciprocate, for all sorts of simple and complicated reasons. She is now in another relationship and likely to move country to be with and marry her beloved. Genuinely delighted for her, but can't help feeling regret that a cracking gal may have passed me over because I was too emotionally f*#ked up to recognise her worth and pursue her.

Have told people today that have asked how I am that "I am out of sorts" which, bless them, is followed up by a question concerning my health and, when I say that isn't it that, the conversation flounders somewhat! Interesting.

Honesty? Trying to be honest but wonder if I have now said more here than I should? Other days I don't care so much, but vulnerable today. Bugger.

Out of sorts?

The weekend lived up to its billing and I had a good time with Ned. Did everything except cycle, though we did walk to the canal to feed the ducks instead, and got caught in a shower!

However, I find myself today quite out of sorts, and I'm not sure why?

Saw various friends yesterday - one struggling with acute loneliness which, apart from the pain of empathy, reminded me of my own situation somewhat. Two other wonderful friends who have had 20 years of struggle - can't say more here - but lovely to have lunch with them and hang out for the afternoon. If I had 3 'wishes' I think they would get one of them.

Church was a struggle - felt hard-hearted, unreceptive, remote from God.

Wondering whether I am still recovering from Thursdays session and the dip into my childhood? I don't know....

If you are inclined to pray please say one for me. Thanks.

Coming up this weekend...

... is very little, except free time PLANNED, to be with my son.

Chilled time in the mornings. Getting up s l o w l y !!

To the park: to kick a ball, to cycle, run, laugh, celebrate goals scored and saves made. New distances travelled in the bike. Seeing friends. Reading. Homework. Birthdays. Church.

I love being a dad. Trying to let Ned make more decisions for himself. Learning ... gradually... both of us. Sometimes he doesn't want to think, just let me choose... what to wear... to eat... etc.

If Ned can get used to making choices now in the little things, making mistakes and working through them, then he should be better equipped for the bigger stuff that comes with adolescence.

Praying for him cos I find it scary. Ned, I think, is cool !!

Have a great weekend, whatever you do.

Love is a drug - be a dealer then an addict :o)

"Underneath the arches...

...I dream my dreams away"

Summons up memories for me - particularly of John Le Carre's "A Perfect Spy". Bud Flanagan tugging at the heart strings, leading us to remember days gone by?

Pip took us on an amazing journey this morning. We heard and told each others stories from around the time we were 7 years old.

Such a privilege to hear tales from Chile to Nigeria, Southall to Harrow. All so different. All so unique and special. Many memories shared. It was an emotional time.

I realise now that I have, in a way, read a chapter of autobiographies that will never be written - yet could be bestsellers... for they are... memories... real, not fiction. Today was, in a small way, life-changing.

Highbury Match Report

Received today from the sponsors - I was in the white team:

Barc1ays Highbury experience

Introduced by Bob Wilson as “two of the most terrifying team managers” Sammy Nelson (blue) & Charlie George (white) led their teams into one of the last ever football battles to be played at Highbury.

With the Highbury pitch calling, the teams ran out to begin their warm ups. While the whites began their well organised drills (by luck of the draw) a more youthful looking blue side passed the ball around the park.

This youthful strength showed in the fourth minute with the blue’s centre forward pouncing on a defensive error by the whites to chalk up the first goal of the game.

The lead was extended shortly after as Danny Houghton rounded the keeper and slotted the ball into the back of the net.

The whites struck back with some intricate passing across the middle of the park but couldn’t make it count in the final third.

The blues pressed hard, using the wings well, Shaun el-Alwal going down the right and putting in a cross for Gary Edwards to nod home, only for the effort to be ruled offside.

The whites fought on and some nice passing put the centre forward (Me!) through one on one with the keeper. ‘Almunia’ in goal had a ‘Lehman esc’ rush of blood to the head, raced out and brought the striker down outside the box.

The ref showed a football sense that some UEFA officials could learn from and didn’t send the keeper from the pitch. John Fisher stepped up to take the subsequent free kick and a great effort was only denied by the cross bar.

A third goal from the blues came soon after as el-Alwal broke once again beating his man and delivering a ball to the far post for Houghton to score his second.

The second half picked up where the first ended, with the blues once again pressing and several chances went begging.

Daniel Haigh showed some fine individual skill for the whites beating a number of players on several occasions but the team couldn’t convert any of their chances.

Searching for a goal left the team in white short at the back and a fine back, heel from Sutton, put King in space to thunder in a forth for the Blues.

Some determined defending, confident keeping and the woodwork kept the score line to 4-0 at full time

Match two report omitted - blues won on penalties.

POST MATCH interviews

Commenting on his blue team’s two match win Sammy Nelson said “I only had them for five minutes imagine what I could have done if I’d had ten!”

“Played two, lost two, that’s why I never went into management” was Charlie George’s response to the performance of his side.

5 words, 2 songs, honesty and a carrot

One of my heroes is a man called Pip Wilson. Watched him strut his stuff in the Greenbelt venue 'Rolling Magazine' 20-25 years ago and now feel privileged to call him a friend.

We will be working together again tomorrow with a small group of people and I am looking forward to it. Have an idea to ask each person there to hold out their hands to receive two gifts. One will be a carrot which will be placed in their right palm. The other will not be given, nor even be there with us, nor will it ever be given. Can you guess what it is? Answers on a postcard, or just post a comment.....

Pip has a question he likes to ask - name five words to describe your life at the moment?

A couple of weeks ago we were having a beer and I selected these:

1. pressing
2. determined
3. needy
4. honest?
5. still

Unfortunately, when Pip blogged them (http://www.pipwilson.com/) he omitted the question mark - unintentional I'm sure.

It changes the meaning considerably doesn't it. I was wondering if, when and how often I am really honest with myself. Still pondering that one...will get back to you.

Today:

1. Honest?
2. Tired
3. Secure
4. Unchallenged
5. Uneasy

Meanwhile, Pip's friend Julie Benson has posed this one: (Hope I am not breaking any copyright here, Pip?) "What are two of the most beautiful songs you know?"

I think I will opt for: [1] Walk On - U2 [2] Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae (because it's current)

So, take your pick:

• five words
• two beautiful songs
• honest?
• what's the withheld present?

"Up the Arse"

I'm gonna get in trouble for that one, but it is used advisedly as I played at Arsenal (yes, Highbury, home of the Champions League Finalists) last week. This was due to an invite to a corporate event by Barclays who sponsor the Premiership.

There were two squads of 30 players who were split into smaller teams to each play a game of 40 minutes. The opposition manager was Irish international Sammy Nelson and mine the legendary Charlie George. Not that he looks like a footballer now, more like the hen-pecked husband from George and Mildred!

Anyway, the luck of the draw was that we had a team of total duffers and were stuffed 4-0 by a good side.

I didn't mind losing but it was disappointing that, with a minute to go, the Ref gave offside when I was 'sprinting' onto a through ball with only the keeper to beat and a consolation goal. The said goalie had fouled me in the same position in the first half but stayed on the pitch (ironic eh Arsenal fans!) - the subsequent freekick struck the crossbar which would have levelled the scores - ah, funny old game ...

The evening was hosted by Bob (near-post) Wilson and it was great to be there, great fun and a shame that there were only a smattering of supporters not 38,000 to witness it !!

Convergence (starts with blood, sweat and tears?)

Hi Blog-fans

Sorry I have been away sooooooo long - about a month - I'm bad, I know. Hope to get back into the groove. Want to share this though…..

Sometimes need time away on my own though. Sometimes thoughts too random too blog. Sometimes stuff too confused in my mind to articulate. Sometimes nothing to say. Sometimes my stuff seems too intimate to share - even with you! Would leave me too vulnerable.

Travelled 500 miles this weekend. Saturday in Sheffield for a youth house party planning day. Wakefield overnight - dinner with my birth-mum and lovely walks at Cannon Hall and around a lake Sunday morning. Drove through a village called Haigh! Good to see her and catch up; to coach her in the delicacies of Thai food and also to meet again my half-brother and his wife. Don't feel entirely connected to 'mum' but our friendship is growing and heading in the right direction I think - making memories is right! ;o)

From there to Nottingham to see friends of 25 years and their grown up (nearly) children. Wonderful to see how the kids are 'turning' out with plans, dreams, gap-year intentions, exam concerns, Uni places, long hair, grunting, smells and smiles. I hope I am as special to them as they are to me, but probably not!! I can live with that. Time when they sat with me and we read a story are long gone - if they chose to sit on me now I could do little about it!!

Alistair and Julie themselves still set the world alight in their own understated way (apart from being fab parents).

Viewed Julie's art and loved it. Daring. Personal. Layered. Revealing. Challenging. Just beginning….

It reminded me that there is a stage in life called Convergence when our talents, gifts, passions, efforts all come together and we find ourselves starting to do what we were always meant to do. This is not to deny the earlier periods of learning and output, but felt a privilege to see Julie at this stage, assuming I am right, but no doubt the best is to come…

I am looking forward to that day for myself, though wonder whether we ever stop stretching?

Similarly, Alistair is taking a PHD in Leadership, which I find inspiring, especially to hear that a man as bright and experienced in his field as he is still reviewing his thinking and application in order to grow.

A lowlight was watching one of the worst (but therefore funniest) sci-fi films ever - A0N FLUX - rented by the 'kids'! The film starts with the premise that in 400 years time the man running the planet is called Trevor - belief was suspended from there on and I never quite recovered !!

From Nottingham drove to Oxford to collect Ned - lovely to see him after a long weekend and home late last night. Good news on the door step - passed my diploma in Leadership and Theology - two and a half years of blood, sweat and tears and doing just enough to get through !!! Haven't passed much in my life - I prefer to 'do' - so delighted.

If ok with you, I will do is post some news retrospectively to fill you in and give me some time to remember what I've been doing !!

Thanks for reading. Love ya, Dan x

World Cup - The 'Rules' and advice

Just received this from Man of the World, Steve; this post is sub-titled (by me) Misogynists of the World Cup Unite!!

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year...

LIST OF 'RULES'
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games.
In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO N OT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Men of the World

Abseiling

Going down ... to upload... an image to my profile!!

How green is my valley....

How busy is my week! Another week of my life gone and my absence from Blog world has been noted.

Busy you say? Indeed, went to Manchester on Saturday afternoon after a very strange Friday night. Played footie and actually scored a couple of crackers (first for a while!) and came home to chill out in front of Have I got news for you, Mel & Griff and then Eric Morecombe - laughed lots.

Bath and bed by midnight, but feeling really ill - nothing particularly. Slept 3 lovely hours then woke for no reason and dozed for an hour and a half. So got up at 4.30 and started making music compilations for the journey North!

Just as well, leaving at midday, I forgot that the FA Cup semi-final was at Old Trafford and spent ages on the M6 with Chelsea motorists. Ignored the very long queue for the direct route on the M56, kept going North, eventually looped back South on the clear ring road - bizarre.

Anyway, Saturday's party - joint birthday do for Helen and Melissa - only knew one person there before 5pm that day but had a lot of fun meeting friends and family - almost all in fancy dress! Have never seen so many superheroes in one venue! The Incredibles and Buzz Lightyear won the prizes. Duff Man stole the show, closely followed be He-Man and She-La !!!!

Sunday lunch spent in glorious sunshine outside the Slug and Lettuce in Didsbury laughing at the toilet escapades of Harry P0tter's wand - you had to be there !!!

Spinning lots of plates at work - had meetings yesterday at the GLA building on the South Bank and at Brentford FC concerning the Olympics and, funnily enough, football - the latter with the Chaplain from Manchester United FC - check out http://www.kicklondon.org.uk/

Last night I was DJ at a YMCA Cultural Evening featuring sets as follows: Polish dance ‘Krakowiak’; South Indian Classical Dance ‘Bharatanatyam’; American Hip-hop; Spanish Salsa workshop; Punjabi Bhangra Mix; plus traditional food from various countries, an African clothes fashion show and an International Auction.

Have to admit this is not usually my bag (unless I'm in the country at the time then I will actively explore the culture) but the evening was fab. Organised by our International Volunteer from the Ukraine. Proceeds will sponsor children from one of our projects to visit Kiev.

Broken news - still feeling on the up after last week. Conversations since all positive. Looks like the study won't happen until the autumn though?

May Day - Gonna be busy again this Bank Holiday weekend with a wedding, seeing friends; more daredevil cycling from Ned (I hope!), and some time to chill too.

Can I leave you with a thought? Questions first.....

• What do you hope for?
• Are you suffering in any way?
• Do you need to keep going with something?

"Rejoice in hope
be patient in suffering
persevere in prayer! ... Romans 12:12 from the New Testament

I have a hope; personal experience that prayer works, and my life is relatively free of suffering (though requiring patience!). Hope that's not a gloat, but I must say...

How green is my valley.

Breaking news...

Making enquiries at the moment about registering for a Certificate in Communication and Counselling skills, the course being an introduction to counselling and psychotherapy.

This is primarily about attaining skills with sufficient theory (to underpin) to give an understanding of the three broad streams of psychotherapy: humanistic, cognitive-behavioural and psychodynamic. Will tell you what that all means when I find out !!!!

This feels like the right direction for me following on from my Leadership and Theology course, the personal therapy work I have been doing, the pastoral work I already undertake and, above all, God's calling on my life to use my soap-opera past (!) for the benefit of others. This seems to be affirmed by those I respect too.

This isn't a career change, yet. Though it is possible that this could lead to formal training and a qualification, I am not sure whether it is probable. One step at a time, eh!

The long weekend was great - lots of work, rest and play (as predicted). Ned learning to ride his bike without stablisers was great fun and we had a great time over 6 days seeing lots of friends, finishing the garden pergola, chilling out, and quality time to remember and celebrate Easter.

Only downside is that having stopped work I seem to have come down with a cold or something so not 100%. However, seeing my old mucker Bazzer tonight for a yarn. Will be talking until the proverbial cows come home!! Level 5 all the way, no doubt.

By his stripes

Well - what a gap since I lost blogged - 12 days - sorry blog fans.

Things have been just as hectic despite the fact that my course has finished, Dads + Lads too, and the talk I was going to give at a church is done and dusted. That went well - even had a round of applause - most embarrassing!!

Anyway it is a relief not to have those 3 locos coming down the tracks at me!

It was my birthday last Thursday - I was 30/11 :o)
Was out to dinner with Ned - had a rack of ribs - fab!

Ned (with some prompting from me) got his mum to fund a birthday present (for once), so I was expecting a picture frame or candle!

To my surprise the wrapped parcel was the C4 box set of the Ashes series last year. Yeeeee haaaaaa.

Ned was with mum at the weekend so I spent an a.m. delighting in:

• Simon Jones's reverse swing
• Freddie - the Aussie nightmare (what a player)
• Trescothick's class
• Vaughan's captaincy
• Pietersen's power with the bat (slippery fingers though)
• the Straus diving flying slip catch - unbelievable
• and the sheer joy of seeing sport played in such a good spirit (all bar Ponting's run out - keep running Ricky !!!).

Given I have been running Dads + Lads the last six Saturday mornings I figured I was owed a chill?

Saturday night I was out clubbing with friends - it was a good evening ... mostly ... a cool band playing live, called 'Bosh' or something like that.

Saw a girl in there - thought "Wow she's lovely". Had a fab smile.

However, I was too shy to go and say hello. Chicken. :o(

Kinda still thinking about her. I was disappointed with myself, but guess I was afraid (as ever) of rejection - for not being handsome nor witty enough, not smart enough, too old (!), too clumsy... inarticulate, lacking confidence.....

On the other hand, it was partly that everyone was dancing and she had a girl friend stuck to her like glue, so the opportunity was hard to spot - was also near the end of the evening but even then I would have had to shout at her to be heard !!! Tried to work out an opportunity but never happened and I couldn't quite see how to ... bugger.

'Ads' chatted to her for her a while (ignorant of my interest) but later remembered nothing about her except her leather strides - DOH!

Sunday night spent with T & T - roast chicken (hmmmm) and some gorgeous NZ wine. Boy, did we laugh at ... pretty much everything under the sun. The ground we covered in a 3 hours - phew!

Looking forward to Easter - special time. Got a couple of days off - Ned not away this holiday for once - so nice mix of work, rest and play.

Gonna watch the Passion of the Christ again with friends on Friday night - blows my mind. I hadn't really understood "by his stripes we are healed" until I watched the flogging scene. Harrowing is an understatement.

Praying for healing for myself - of the fear, doubt etc. described above.

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see

Like Neo (meaning new) I am "starting to believe" despite the evidence of Saturday night.

That one event does not define who I am.

I am more than that 'failure' and growing such that I do feel more confident in myself. Setbacks are ok, ne? We learn. We move forward. We stretch and, in doing, so we are stretched.

Some victories are greater even than the Ashes.

Some resurrections more amazing even than the England team.