Following on from Monday's blog…. The next most significant thing that encouraged that year me was in the autumn of 2001.
A few years before I had resigned a management position that I really enjoyed. Despite the fact it was the corporate treadmill, with all the political bull, posturing and positioning, I enjoyed the film industry we were in, the customers and clients (mostly!), the company, the staff and my team. I left to stay at home as primary carer for my son and stepson, while my wife returned to a high-flying career. I also joined the staff of my church - fantastic - all of it - I loved it. Problem - my marriage went down the pan - and though I returned to work, partly in an effort to save my marriage, the toilet flushed in early 2001, as described below.
So, here's how I'm feeling at that time: as a partner rejected, as a husband bereft, as a parent divided, as a provider inadequate, as a potential employee pessimistic, as a leader discredited, as a Christian ashamed, as a man…surviving.
It was perhaps the greatest relief of my life to date - there I was at half time (on a three score plus ten basis) feeling totally trashed... I felt that any achievement or sense of significance in life was now beyond me. Not so…
I read a book (as you do!) called The Making of a Leader, by Dr J Robert Clinton, or Bobby to his friends. In it he told me that God had primarily been working in me, in the first half of my life, to prepare me for what He was going to do in the second. Wow! All my experience, as crap as it was, would be useful somehow.
Question: what does that say about our impatience for maturity? Avoiding risk for fear of failure? About covering up our mistakes and so not learning the lessons of them? About deciding to be self-contained or independent? About what we communicate - with whom and when? More to follow….
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
At what age did you become an adult?
This question was put to me last year and has come up again twice during the last month. What do you think it means? Here's what it means for me:
I have had significant responsibilities for nearly twenty years - professionally during my times in banking and credit management - marrying at 21 and getting a cheap mortgage from work, which meant I was a home owner pretty young - a flat at 21 and a house at 23 (they're not the street numbers but my age!).
However, in 2001, aged 36, I think I became an adult. Within the space of a few months my wife and I separated, I lost my job, I lost my house and became a single parent - the marital home was sold and my son and I moved in with friends for nine months. Not only did now I have to do everything on my own - parent, buy a house (with a mortgage in my name only) and hold down a job (or else!), but there were some other choices to make - choices no less significant but less obvious.
The bible has a wonderful passage about love which often gets read at weddings:
My wife had moved to a different city so most telephone conversations would end up with me finding fault, picking a fight, and dragging up my hurt to unleash upon her. But ... "Love keeps no record of wrongs"...
Meanwhile I was being challenged from a similar but different angle. "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us".
Oh...you mean I have to forgive ...if I want to be forgiven?
Yes....And (by the way)..."Love keeps no record of wrongs".
Oh...you mean...I have to stop arguing about that stuff...I can't bring it up at all...ever...not even...
Yes, that is what it means...
The practical steps I have listed, plus this intentional change on part to not assume a high moral ground (as I was it) was a maturing in my life - it lead to a great deal of healing and peace that I believe would otherwise have alluded me for sometime. They were a couple of key stages that lasted about a year in my life journey and represented a rite of passage for me.
At what age did you become an adult, and how did it happen?
I have had significant responsibilities for nearly twenty years - professionally during my times in banking and credit management - marrying at 21 and getting a cheap mortgage from work, which meant I was a home owner pretty young - a flat at 21 and a house at 23 (they're not the street numbers but my age!).
However, in 2001, aged 36, I think I became an adult. Within the space of a few months my wife and I separated, I lost my job, I lost my house and became a single parent - the marital home was sold and my son and I moved in with friends for nine months. Not only did now I have to do everything on my own - parent, buy a house (with a mortgage in my name only) and hold down a job (or else!), but there were some other choices to make - choices no less significant but less obvious.
The bible has a wonderful passage about love which often gets read at weddings:
1 Corinthians 13 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy,The verse that really bugged me was "Love keeps no record of wrongs". I had a lot of anger and disappointment over the break up of my marriage, and our family, which affected my son and my step-son.
it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it
is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres. "
My wife had moved to a different city so most telephone conversations would end up with me finding fault, picking a fight, and dragging up my hurt to unleash upon her. But ... "Love keeps no record of wrongs"...
Meanwhile I was being challenged from a similar but different angle. "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us".
Oh...you mean I have to forgive ...if I want to be forgiven?
Yes....And (by the way)..."Love keeps no record of wrongs".
Oh...you mean...I have to stop arguing about that stuff...I can't bring it up at all...ever...not even...
Yes, that is what it means...
The practical steps I have listed, plus this intentional change on part to not assume a high moral ground (as I was it) was a maturing in my life - it lead to a great deal of healing and peace that I believe would otherwise have alluded me for sometime. They were a couple of key stages that lasted about a year in my life journey and represented a rite of passage for me.
At what age did you become an adult, and how did it happen?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Prince Charming
Lots of blokes are charming, right? We don't charm one another of course (!) but there are a few of us who can sure charm the ladies. That's not to say we are jumping into bed with a different babe every weekend, that's a separate kind of animal whose powers are beyond me. But we know how to chat to a lady and make her feel good about herself. We are really interested in her and give her some signals that indicate that.
I've been wondering what the root of charm is?
I am wondering whether charm can be harm?
Having been a single, married, separated, divorced, single guy ... :o(
...I am rethinking my boundaries. I think that I, me, myself (and probably some of you guys in the past) have used charm to harm, and here's how….
We want to be liked. We want to be loved. We also want to know that we (still) have the charisma… the persuasion… the technique… to make a girl interested in us. Why? Because we can. It makes us feel good about ourselves. With me so far?
How many of us, every now and then, are mentally digging an escape tunnel out of our marriages and thinking, mate, you've still got it! And even if you haven't, or never had it, you still dig, right?
So, we are our boundaries guys? Have you used charm that may have harmed?
Do you still? And ... who are we harming? Talk to me - post a thought....
As for me, I am guilty of all of the above. I've wanted to connect in intimate relationships but have pinged back to my place of mistrust a number of times. So maybe my motives were genuine, maybe not, it doesn't negate the fact that I may have drawn women into the inferrence or 'promise' of relationship and then withdrawn. Therein lies the harm. Let's be carefull out there.
I've been wondering what the root of charm is?
I am wondering whether charm can be harm?
Having been a single, married, separated, divorced, single guy ... :o(
...I am rethinking my boundaries. I think that I, me, myself (and probably some of you guys in the past) have used charm to harm, and here's how….
We want to be liked. We want to be loved. We also want to know that we (still) have the charisma… the persuasion… the technique… to make a girl interested in us. Why? Because we can. It makes us feel good about ourselves. With me so far?
How many of us, every now and then, are mentally digging an escape tunnel out of our marriages and thinking, mate, you've still got it! And even if you haven't, or never had it, you still dig, right?
So, we are our boundaries guys? Have you used charm that may have harmed?
Do you still? And ... who are we harming? Talk to me - post a thought....
As for me, I am guilty of all of the above. I've wanted to connect in intimate relationships but have pinged back to my place of mistrust a number of times. So maybe my motives were genuine, maybe not, it doesn't negate the fact that I may have drawn women into the inferrence or 'promise' of relationship and then withdrawn. Therein lies the harm. Let's be carefull out there.
The ultimate measure of a man...
".... is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience,
but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy...."
Dr.Martin Luther King, Jr.
but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy...."
Dr.Martin Luther King, Jr.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The despised
Still processing my new 'reality' but have been feeling great since the course ended at the weekend. Smacked a golf ball around 18 holes yesterday and (deep joy) beat Mark to level the series! Seriously had to hold back some level 5 gloating !!
However, this afternoon someone from my past unexpectedly made contact. I have clearly hurt this person (as have others) and apparently now fit into a category known as 'the despised'. I probably deserve this praise. Saying sorry seemed empty, inadequate and, indeed, was not well received. It is difficult to hear... though [it seems] not as hard as it is for them. I wonder why they emailed? The person I remember was one of the loveliest I knew, and was genuinely there for me.
I hope they have not, or will not, become one of the untouchables whose hearts are hard - unable to trust.
"Just like old Daniel felt(?)" Please... don't become like me.
However, this afternoon someone from my past unexpectedly made contact. I have clearly hurt this person (as have others) and apparently now fit into a category known as 'the despised'. I probably deserve this praise. Saying sorry seemed empty, inadequate and, indeed, was not well received. It is difficult to hear... though [it seems] not as hard as it is for them. I wonder why they emailed? The person I remember was one of the loveliest I knew, and was genuinely there for me.
I hope they have not, or will not, become one of the untouchables whose hearts are hard - unable to trust.
"Just like old Daniel felt(?)" Please... don't become like me.
Monday, September 19, 2005
"You don't know me"
I wrote this down on the 4th October last year - I remembered it this morning. Writing it was my A.A. moment. "Hi, I am Dan, and I have a problem".
"You don't know me
And I don't expect you to.
I hardly know myself
And what I see is little understood.
I realise the Mountain I have to climb
To lose my shackles,
And I'm scared.
Beating the retreat.
Wanting out of this trench,
A lift again out of the pit,
The mire,
Because I'm sinking.
I feel isolated and exposed.
Willing, yet unable to be vulnerable.
Lost in a fog of truth, truly,
As I perceive and deceive in turn.
To my shame
Pretense consoles only momentarily,
Before loathing ushers in.
Who am I kidding? Yeah, me.
Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?
Desperate and afraid,
I grope for freedom,
And the whole of the Moon.
Dare l unfold and to whom,
When I can barely cope as it is?
And who will journey with me?
No one, of course.
Mine is the distinction.
Mine is the depths from which to rise.
Mine is the seam of gold.
What’s mine is yours – still want to know me?"
.
Writing helped me to clarify and own some very strong but confused feelings. The preceding few weeks were as though God, who had been carrying me for a few years, was showing me that I wasn't as sorted as I thought. The next morning the heartache had gone and hasn't returned. I determined to seek help.
A year on, after another weekend of tilling the soil of my childhood, I think perhaps I am starting to know me?
Compelled to Hide?
"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded!
Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."
M. Scott Peck
Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness."
M. Scott Peck
Friday, September 16, 2005
Another brick in the wall
Today a friend unwittingly directed me to something else that has been bugging me, he wrote/quoted:
""Don't build walls until you know what you are walling out - and what you are walling in?"
I remember being in Toronto in 1994 and catching a bus from the suburbs into the city to watch the Blue Jays and Red Sox play baseball at the Sky Dome. The thing that struck me was that hardly any front gardens had fences.
How often now in this country and others (South Africa and America spring to mind) are housing estates, or individual properties, being built with boundary walls and security gates. What are we afraid of? If there is a very real danger of burglary or even physical attack then is it fair to comment upon the societal issues of the have's and have-nots? Taking from the rich to feed the poor maybe… no, not going there today. This is what I want to say:
I realise I do have walls that keep people out and stuff in. For instance - walling out - following on from yesterday, there are times when I keep people at arms length because to be open and vulnerable is to risk rejection.
Walling in - sometimes I cannot display my emotions (anger, frustration, loneliness, random thoughts, unclear feelings) so I keep them in, because to share them is to risk rejection. Funny…the root is the same - insecurity - right?
Now, I'm not a macho type who wouldn't shed a tear under any circumstances short of my Niagara Falls (slang) being ground through a mangle! However, in the area of personal confrontation, when I should stand up for myself, I have often set aside my concerns because I can't face conflict. There are other reasons for that, but again the assumption I'm making seems to be that "if I stand up for myself you will dismiss me"? I can't trust my thoughts and feelings to you because I can't trust. Therefore I compromise, of sorts. I suppress my feelings ... only to have them fester where they are. Who gains from that?!
So, with this in mind, can I leave you with a question to think about with respect to your nearest and dearest – Can I love you without losing me?
""Don't build walls until you know what you are walling out - and what you are walling in?"
I remember being in Toronto in 1994 and catching a bus from the suburbs into the city to watch the Blue Jays and Red Sox play baseball at the Sky Dome. The thing that struck me was that hardly any front gardens had fences.
How often now in this country and others (South Africa and America spring to mind) are housing estates, or individual properties, being built with boundary walls and security gates. What are we afraid of? If there is a very real danger of burglary or even physical attack then is it fair to comment upon the societal issues of the have's and have-nots? Taking from the rich to feed the poor maybe… no, not going there today. This is what I want to say:
I realise I do have walls that keep people out and stuff in. For instance - walling out - following on from yesterday, there are times when I keep people at arms length because to be open and vulnerable is to risk rejection.
Walling in - sometimes I cannot display my emotions (anger, frustration, loneliness, random thoughts, unclear feelings) so I keep them in, because to share them is to risk rejection. Funny…the root is the same - insecurity - right?
Now, I'm not a macho type who wouldn't shed a tear under any circumstances short of my Niagara Falls (slang) being ground through a mangle! However, in the area of personal confrontation, when I should stand up for myself, I have often set aside my concerns because I can't face conflict. There are other reasons for that, but again the assumption I'm making seems to be that "if I stand up for myself you will dismiss me"? I can't trust my thoughts and feelings to you because I can't trust. Therefore I compromise, of sorts. I suppress my feelings ... only to have them fester where they are. Who gains from that?!
So, with this in mind, can I leave you with a question to think about with respect to your nearest and dearest – Can I love you without losing me?
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Firing squad
Some first thoughts following my "Learning to Live, Learning to Love" course last Monday and Tuesday....
Felt like I'd been machine gunned after two days of delving into my past. Couldn't write yesterday, just too exhausted. It really has been uncomfortable seeing who I am now in the light of the environment in which I was nurtured. I hadn't realised the EXTENT to which past events, even in the primary care stage (first year), are playing a significant role in my present.
This is mainly around my (in)ability to trust and form intimate relationships. Released to foster care at 8 weeks, first foster home for a few months, another foster home for a few months, then adoption at 8 months. So at least 4 primary carers in my first year of life. No pity needed, mate - just stating the facts.
Friendships aren't so much a problem, but I have realised over the last year that my basic assumption regarding past and potential partners is that they will, and have, walked away from me - sooner or later I'm going to be rejected. No wonder then that I blow hot and cold. I've been told I am "inconsistent" and am beginning to understand why.
I am hoping and praying that the "no pain, no gain" theory is going to pay off in the long run. Even talking to you about it, confessing it if you like, is therapeutic. The process helps to articulate the thoughts and feelings that are whizzing around in my head and heart. Writing some of it down for you seems to bring a realisation of who I am. Making the unconscious conscious.
By 5pm Tuesday I was feeling utterly crap. I was asked to complete a feedback form for the day but couldn't do it. I was out of there. Had a stranger on the street offered me a hug I probably would have grabbed them and held on for a while. I felt totally unloved at that moment. That's not the fault of the program or the people leading it - but the bi-product of some of the 'open heart surgery'.
Felt like I'd been machine gunned after two days of delving into my past. Couldn't write yesterday, just too exhausted. It really has been uncomfortable seeing who I am now in the light of the environment in which I was nurtured. I hadn't realised the EXTENT to which past events, even in the primary care stage (first year), are playing a significant role in my present.
This is mainly around my (in)ability to trust and form intimate relationships. Released to foster care at 8 weeks, first foster home for a few months, another foster home for a few months, then adoption at 8 months. So at least 4 primary carers in my first year of life. No pity needed, mate - just stating the facts.
Friendships aren't so much a problem, but I have realised over the last year that my basic assumption regarding past and potential partners is that they will, and have, walked away from me - sooner or later I'm going to be rejected. No wonder then that I blow hot and cold. I've been told I am "inconsistent" and am beginning to understand why.
I am hoping and praying that the "no pain, no gain" theory is going to pay off in the long run. Even talking to you about it, confessing it if you like, is therapeutic. The process helps to articulate the thoughts and feelings that are whizzing around in my head and heart. Writing some of it down for you seems to bring a realisation of who I am. Making the unconscious conscious.
By 5pm Tuesday I was feeling utterly crap. I was asked to complete a feedback form for the day but couldn't do it. I was out of there. Had a stranger on the street offered me a hug I probably would have grabbed them and held on for a while. I felt totally unloved at that moment. That's not the fault of the program or the people leading it - but the bi-product of some of the 'open heart surgery'.
It leaves me with questions….
- Does it mean I am unlovable? No. But I think it means that my behaviour can make it hard to do so.
- Can I ever trust someone sufficiently to love them unconditionally? I think/hope I could?
- Indeed, would I know unconditional love if it was staring me in the face? Hmmm.... don't know, but hope so.
Will try to share more as I understand more. Dan
Thursday, September 08, 2005
ROI
Yeah, did some level 4.5 with Pip over carrot cake this morning! We agree that level 5 is possible on a regular / weekly / frequent basis as, for instance, marriages can model this. In purely friendship terms it still applies. However, if we hope for level 5 while watching Match of the Day at the pub, or in the coffee and donut queue at church, then it may be a struggle.
I was going to add to the list “or on the school run”, but actually I have a good friend, Richard, with whom I walk for about 15 minutes, a few times a week, after dropping our kids, before we go our separate ways. Sometimes we stand and talk for another 15 minutes because we have got into some life stuff. So, I guess, that’s one of the most regular level 5 relationships I have and I really appreciate it, and him.
Appreciate Pip too - his encouragement and willingness to explore feelings. We agreed to meet once a month to catch up and eat carrot cake…errr….level 5!
Met with the men’s group at lunch time - reviewed our summers and where we are now. Great to see everyone again, but missed a few guys who couldn’t be there today.
In conclusion then, accountants will recognise ROI – Return on Investment. Gardeners will know “the grass is greener where you water it”. ‘Nuff said for now?
Some level 5 sharing: I am apprehensive about a course I will be at on Monday and Tuesday. It’s a continuation of my counselling, but in an intense form, with 18 sessions squeezed into 4 days. [Another time I’ll share why I’m there at all]
It’s called “Learning to Live, Learning to Love. We will, apparently, be covering: conflict, self-destructive/reactive patterns from childhood, addictions, respecting self and others, intimacy, managing stress, anger management, breaking the bonds of shame, learning to forgive and developing trust and ...(I quote)... “amongst other life changing skills” !!!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend people – won’t be blogging again until Wednesday as I'm on a management away day tomorrow.
I was going to add to the list “or on the school run”, but actually I have a good friend, Richard, with whom I walk for about 15 minutes, a few times a week, after dropping our kids, before we go our separate ways. Sometimes we stand and talk for another 15 minutes because we have got into some life stuff. So, I guess, that’s one of the most regular level 5 relationships I have and I really appreciate it, and him.
Appreciate Pip too - his encouragement and willingness to explore feelings. We agreed to meet once a month to catch up and eat carrot cake…errr….level 5!
Met with the men’s group at lunch time - reviewed our summers and where we are now. Great to see everyone again, but missed a few guys who couldn’t be there today.
In conclusion then, accountants will recognise ROI – Return on Investment. Gardeners will know “the grass is greener where you water it”. ‘Nuff said for now?
Some level 5 sharing: I am apprehensive about a course I will be at on Monday and Tuesday. It’s a continuation of my counselling, but in an intense form, with 18 sessions squeezed into 4 days. [Another time I’ll share why I’m there at all]
It’s called “Learning to Live, Learning to Love. We will, apparently, be covering: conflict, self-destructive/reactive patterns from childhood, addictions, respecting self and others, intimacy, managing stress, anger management, breaking the bonds of shame, learning to forgive and developing trust and ...(I quote)... “amongst other life changing skills” !!!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend people – won’t be blogging again until Wednesday as I'm on a management away day tomorrow.
Level 5 communication
When I was running a youth group (about 10 years ago), my 'bible' was the “Read this First” section of the Spectacular Stinking Rolling Magazine Book, by Pip Wilson.
I had seen Pip in action a number of times in the 80's, at a Christian Arts Festival called Greenbelt. Pip is a purveyor of personal interaction, personal development and growth and the inter-connectedness of human beings, all of whom are “beautiful”. Pip is part of a group that have met for over 20 years, 2 or 3 times a year, to share their life journeys.
Within that ethos is a level 5 framework - I’ll list the levels another time, but they start and finish with these:
Level 1 is when people talk in clichés – the weather etc (boring small talk)
Level 5 is complete openness in a trusting environment (thoughts/feelings/fears/hopes)
When I met Chris last night it transpired he had heard Pip at Greenbelt over the August Bank Holiday at a seminar about Level 5 stuff. So we discussed whether we had any such relationships, who they are and how they operate - most instructive.
Earlier in August I was helping lead a house party for 11-14 year olds and was involved in the (inevitable) relationships discussion which, by the way, was so popular we had to run twice to keep the groups small enough to allow everyone to participate. One of the key issues for the young people was how often confidences were broken, trust abused, how fickle their ‘friends’ were and how, for so many, they were now getting their revenge in first! I found myself (almost on my soapbox!) saying that, if this cycle was ever to be broken, if they wanted a best friend, they needed to be a best friend. And we talked about what that might look like – ok, it would continue to be risky but what were the options?
You know how when you sound off about something how later it comes back and challenges you (not necessarily for the first time) to consider whether you are a complete hypocrite or actually putting the stuff into practice? Yeah, you guessed it!
I have met with three of my good mates since then, each time for dinner, and have chosen to ask them “what more could I do for you as a friend?” Interesting, no-one has identified anything yet. Which could mean I’m a crap mate and they would prefer not to get involved, or, it might mean that as blokes we are just not wired for level 5? Actually, I don’t believe that – I think we are wired that way but not trained / coached / experienced in it. See my teenage example above. Are their experiences like ours? I think a lot like mine.
I’m fortunate enough to be meeting Pip today for a coffee and have promised to put a question to him from Chris – can people operate at level 5 because you meet only 2/3 times a year, or can those relationships develop and be sustained when you meet frequently, weekly even?
Watch this space….. meanwhile you might like to check out http://www.pipwilson.com/
I had seen Pip in action a number of times in the 80's, at a Christian Arts Festival called Greenbelt. Pip is a purveyor of personal interaction, personal development and growth and the inter-connectedness of human beings, all of whom are “beautiful”. Pip is part of a group that have met for over 20 years, 2 or 3 times a year, to share their life journeys.
Within that ethos is a level 5 framework - I’ll list the levels another time, but they start and finish with these:
Level 1 is when people talk in clichés – the weather etc (boring small talk)
Level 5 is complete openness in a trusting environment (thoughts/feelings/fears/hopes)
When I met Chris last night it transpired he had heard Pip at Greenbelt over the August Bank Holiday at a seminar about Level 5 stuff. So we discussed whether we had any such relationships, who they are and how they operate - most instructive.
Earlier in August I was helping lead a house party for 11-14 year olds and was involved in the (inevitable) relationships discussion which, by the way, was so popular we had to run twice to keep the groups small enough to allow everyone to participate. One of the key issues for the young people was how often confidences were broken, trust abused, how fickle their ‘friends’ were and how, for so many, they were now getting their revenge in first! I found myself (almost on my soapbox!) saying that, if this cycle was ever to be broken, if they wanted a best friend, they needed to be a best friend. And we talked about what that might look like – ok, it would continue to be risky but what were the options?
You know how when you sound off about something how later it comes back and challenges you (not necessarily for the first time) to consider whether you are a complete hypocrite or actually putting the stuff into practice? Yeah, you guessed it!
I have met with three of my good mates since then, each time for dinner, and have chosen to ask them “what more could I do for you as a friend?” Interesting, no-one has identified anything yet. Which could mean I’m a crap mate and they would prefer not to get involved, or, it might mean that as blokes we are just not wired for level 5? Actually, I don’t believe that – I think we are wired that way but not trained / coached / experienced in it. See my teenage example above. Are their experiences like ours? I think a lot like mine.
I’m fortunate enough to be meeting Pip today for a coffee and have promised to put a question to him from Chris – can people operate at level 5 because you meet only 2/3 times a year, or can those relationships develop and be sustained when you meet frequently, weekly even?
Watch this space….. meanwhile you might like to check out http://www.pipwilson.com/
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Avoided the treadmill...
...last night as went to the pub for dinner with my son. We were really there to meet with a group of folks who run a Tuesday night club for years 3, 4, and 5. I'm going to help out because what else would I be doing between 6.30 and 8pm and the inevitable taxi service? Go to the supermarket I suppose! So, might as well join in the fun - there will be about 80 kids there, says Dan, talking to himself - oh, might as well join in the chaos then.
Had a good meeting this morning with a friend responsible for developing Dads + Lads for the YMCA nationally, and a top man from Kingston YMCA who is starting a fab Saturday morning drop in for D+L's. Good to hear/share ideas. We thought about how much of our work requires numerical measurements to detemine success, but how much more important it is to consider relationships in terms of their depth, not in the number we merely pass the time of day with.
So, I'm thinking about the D+L's course coming up. I've put out some feelers about the need to re-write the material for single mums, who might appreciate input on raising boys, to create a new course. Had a long conversation this afternoon about teenage mums and how to work with them on parenting skills (reaching their childs heart) without appearing condescending or critical. Only a tentative way forward identified.
Had a heart wrenching letter from a Dad who appears to have been screwed every which way by his ex, her lawyer and the CSA. Hang in there, Brian. As the Apostle Bono says: "don't let the bastards grind you down".
But also some kind messages about the site - thanks - appreciate it.
Looking forward to seeing a mate of mine for a curry tonight - Chris, my old youth leader. He is pretty old now, but a hero of mine nonetheless! Hopefully we can plumb some depth and try to work out some of our stuff together - we've both had our lows since 1981 and have come through....just about!
Oh no!
I feel a Jerry Springer moment coming on....
So....take care of yourself and.... (if you have a mate like Chris) ..... each other.
Had a good meeting this morning with a friend responsible for developing Dads + Lads for the YMCA nationally, and a top man from Kingston YMCA who is starting a fab Saturday morning drop in for D+L's. Good to hear/share ideas. We thought about how much of our work requires numerical measurements to detemine success, but how much more important it is to consider relationships in terms of their depth, not in the number we merely pass the time of day with.
So, I'm thinking about the D+L's course coming up. I've put out some feelers about the need to re-write the material for single mums, who might appreciate input on raising boys, to create a new course. Had a long conversation this afternoon about teenage mums and how to work with them on parenting skills (reaching their childs heart) without appearing condescending or critical. Only a tentative way forward identified.
Had a heart wrenching letter from a Dad who appears to have been screwed every which way by his ex, her lawyer and the CSA. Hang in there, Brian. As the Apostle Bono says: "don't let the bastards grind you down".
But also some kind messages about the site - thanks - appreciate it.
Looking forward to seeing a mate of mine for a curry tonight - Chris, my old youth leader. He is pretty old now, but a hero of mine nonetheless! Hopefully we can plumb some depth and try to work out some of our stuff together - we've both had our lows since 1981 and have come through....just about!
Oh no!
I feel a Jerry Springer moment coming on....
So....take care of yourself and.... (if you have a mate like Chris) ..... each other.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Talking to yourself!
Interesting twice in so many days two separate friends have raised talking to yourself! I quote:
"I felt feelings of ............. tension, conflict, and more. Then I relaxed. I named the feelings as I steered the car to Kent ......... naming the feelings is so vital because 'otherwise' we get caught up in the feelings without knowing what they are ...... and how they got in the gut and start twisting life and soul.. ................Attitudes and feelings feed behaviour:- - and I believe we need to search out the source of our behaviour - not just lash ourselves because of our imperfection"
Then at the weekend, a friend who paces the room talking to God. Telling Him what's going on in his mind, his circumstances. Working them through, outloud.
So?
My son started back at school yesterday. That means back to the treadmill after a summer recess. Picking him up by 6pm from after school club, cooking, eating dinner, sorting out the laundry, running the bath, bedtime and a story. All this with barely anytime to play PS2! (currently Shrek 2!)
The treadmill - the pressure I feel at the lowest point of my day - when I'm tired from work and haven't yet eaten - the interruptions that can cause me to explode - "can I have a drink? I'm hungry what's for dinner. Look at this! Dad...come here a minute please".
So, about two months ago I started to have an inner conversation when I feel the pressure growing and the anger rising. But I've only just started. And I'm only just learning. And I'm not good at it yet.
Ring any bells?
(By the way, it would have been my 19th wedding anniversary today, first time around)
"I felt feelings of ............. tension, conflict, and more. Then I relaxed. I named the feelings as I steered the car to Kent ......... naming the feelings is so vital because 'otherwise' we get caught up in the feelings without knowing what they are ...... and how they got in the gut and start twisting life and soul.. ................Attitudes and feelings feed behaviour:- - and I believe we need to search out the source of our behaviour - not just lash ourselves because of our imperfection"
Then at the weekend, a friend who paces the room talking to God. Telling Him what's going on in his mind, his circumstances. Working them through, outloud.
So?
My son started back at school yesterday. That means back to the treadmill after a summer recess. Picking him up by 6pm from after school club, cooking, eating dinner, sorting out the laundry, running the bath, bedtime and a story. All this with barely anytime to play PS2! (currently Shrek 2!)
The treadmill - the pressure I feel at the lowest point of my day - when I'm tired from work and haven't yet eaten - the interruptions that can cause me to explode - "can I have a drink? I'm hungry what's for dinner. Look at this! Dad...come here a minute please".
So, about two months ago I started to have an inner conversation when I feel the pressure growing and the anger rising. But I've only just started. And I'm only just learning. And I'm not good at it yet.
Ring any bells?
(By the way, it would have been my 19th wedding anniversary today, first time around)
'Being Real'
I see there's a day for men at St Paul's Church in Ealing on Saturday 15th October - called 'Being Real'. The speaker is a guy called David White who I think I've heard before and is worth hearing.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Why Blokeology?
Well, I have been reading a mate's blog for a while now (AliC) and occasionally posting some tongue in cheek comments when it occurred that it was unfair to be taking a pop at him when he was prepared to be vulnerable on-line and I wasn't.
Ali has the kids and youth stuff covered - that's his job - so I've pinched his name format to create a canvas for my thoughts on being a bloke.
I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways but then, hey, haven't we all? I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.
I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?
I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?
So.... that's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan
Ali has the kids and youth stuff covered - that's his job - so I've pinched his name format to create a canvas for my thoughts on being a bloke.
I've been a male for all of my 40 years, but think I probably only became an adult about 5 years ago. Have a had a roller-coaster / soap opera journey in many ways but then, hey, haven't we all? I know I've got stacks of issues and have been undertaking some counselling this year to think them through - making the unconscious conscious. It's been a fascinating time. Thinking about my adoption, how I was subsequently parented, marriage, divorce, ANGER!, fathering, relationships, insecurity, significance and so on.
I wonder where men get their support? How do you work stuff out? Arrive at a decision? React under pressure? Are you aware of what has moulded you and whether it's positive or negative? What are the consequences of your actions on your partner, children, colleagues etc?
I really want to work these things out in my life, but find that so many guys are happy to go it alone - zipped into straight jackets of silent denial..... True/False?
So.... that's my starter for 10 - thanks for reading - feel free to comment. Dan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
