"You don't know me"

I wrote this down on the 4th October last year - I remembered it this morning. Writing it was my A.A. moment. "Hi, I am Dan, and I have a problem".

"You don't know me
And I don't expect you to.
I hardly know myself
And what I see is little understood.

I realise the Mountain I have to climb
To lose my shackles,
And I'm scared.
Beating the retreat.

Wanting out of this trench,
A lift again out of the pit,
The mire,
Because I'm sinking.

I feel isolated and exposed.
Willing, yet unable to be vulnerable.
Lost in a fog of truth, truly,
As I perceive and deceive in turn.

To my shame
Pretense consoles only momentarily,
Before loathing ushers in.
Who am I kidding? Yeah, me.

Is pain a numbing ache, or lack of it?
Desperate and afraid,
I grope for freedom,
And the whole of the Moon.

Dare l unfold and to whom,
When I can barely cope as it is?
And who will journey with me?
No one, of course.

Mine is the distinction.
Mine is the depths from which to rise.
Mine is the seam of gold.
What’s mine is yours – still want to know me?"

.

Writing helped me to clarify and own some very strong but confused feelings. The preceding few weeks were as though God, who had been carrying me for a few years, was showing me that I wasn't as sorted as I thought. The next morning the heartache had gone and hasn't returned. I determined to seek help.

A year on, after another weekend of tilling the soil of my childhood, I think perhaps I am starting to know me?