Felt like I'd been machine gunned after two days of delving into my past. Couldn't write yesterday, just too exhausted. It really has been uncomfortable seeing who I am now in the light of the environment in which I was nurtured. I hadn't realised the EXTENT to which past events, even in the primary care stage (first year), are playing a significant role in my present.
This is mainly around my (in)ability to trust and form intimate relationships. Released to foster care at 8 weeks, first foster home for a few months, another foster home for a few months, then adoption at 8 months. So at least 4 primary carers in my first year of life. No pity needed, mate - just stating the facts.
Friendships aren't so much a problem, but I have realised over the last year that my basic assumption regarding past and potential partners is that they will, and have, walked away from me - sooner or later I'm going to be rejected. No wonder then that I blow hot and cold. I've been told I am "inconsistent" and am beginning to understand why.
I am hoping and praying that the "no pain, no gain" theory is going to pay off in the long run. Even talking to you about it, confessing it if you like, is therapeutic. The process helps to articulate the thoughts and feelings that are whizzing around in my head and heart. Writing some of it down for you seems to bring a realisation of who I am. Making the unconscious conscious.
By 5pm Tuesday I was feeling utterly crap. I was asked to complete a feedback form for the day but couldn't do it. I was out of there. Had a stranger on the street offered me a hug I probably would have grabbed them and held on for a while. I felt totally unloved at that moment. That's not the fault of the program or the people leading it - but the bi-product of some of the 'open heart surgery'.
It leaves me with questions….
- Does it mean I am unlovable? No. But I think it means that my behaviour can make it hard to do so.
- Can I ever trust someone sufficiently to love them unconditionally? I think/hope I could?
- Indeed, would I know unconditional love if it was staring me in the face? Hmmm.... don't know, but hope so.
Will try to share more as I understand more. Dan
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